ladidadum. =l
9:10 PM
i dunno whether im acting tough or not. like shoving averyting into the cupboard and pretend nth's wrong liaddat.
i guess, life have to go on, whether im like upset, angry, hurt or happy. i spent like almost 1 day moping ard and it's not effective. like it's so tiring and the worst thing is that no one actually noes abt it/ or maybe they did, but decided to turn a blind eye.
it's not as if i haven't tread thru this path before. okies, well, maybe not happening at the same time, but ya, im gonna be a survivor.
im going to spend the last 18 days trying to live up to my name GILLIAN--meaning lively. (okies, well, chinese name also can la.)
anyways, thanks to cm and serene for caring! love u guys loads. =) i had enough of ranting already.
Labels: happenings.
wishing....
10:55 AM
no rain for me to cry in, but i wished there was.
my mind's in a whirl. really. and i feel like puking.
there's nthing i can do now. i feel so sick that i feel like doing the unfinished business that i did years back and go to hell.
dun cry for me if i should disappear one day, because u didn't care for me when i needed help most and even if u did, it was too late, because u have already lost my trust in you.
Labels: rants.
debjkgywcd.
1:06 AM
not a very pleasant day either....
but anyways, THE POSTERS AND BANNERS HAVE BEEN PRINTED OUT!!! yay. publicity officially be up tml. =)
thnx terence for walking ard with mi today to get them done. =)
okies, other than that, im feeling very upset and even till the point of intense anger.
will not elaborate further other than to say i'm really on an emotion roller-coaster and i need someone to stop me before i do something really stupid. like really
stupid. bye.
;i'll do my crying in the rain.Labels: happenings.
ctydfy.
11:01 PM
darn. i hate you you you you!
bloody idiots.
forget it. ranting anywhere's not going to help.
darn. i feel just so tired. really exhausted. sometimes i just wonder have i ever been myself for all these years. i suddenly feel like all these layers of fakness cracking up. and i dun like it. like im loosing my security, my everything.
i dun even noe wad's the real me anymore. like this pathetic lil soul has all the fakness evolved into her so much she can't tell it anymore. like pathetic. oh my goodness.
sometimes i just wonder if the center of my belief has actually existed. like yeah, i noe it's true, it's just the believing part. i just can't believe that i actually believed. like at times, i feel like a fraud. a huge liar, like my life is a big lie, all interwinded together for the past 18 yrs of my life.
then head knowlegde comes in. i noe God's the Almighty, but im lost, or at least i feel like it. i dun noe where to find Him anymore. i dun hear anything when i call upon him. i can't feel. the moment of dread's here: im starting to numb, getting cynical, self- defensive, self- abusive(psycologically).
i just feel like getting an ammesia and starting life afresh where no one noes me. poor lil twit.
Labels: happenings., rants., sian, tired.
Love was....
1:32 AM
saw this clip that jerry sent to me. =) decided not to embed cos my template might get distorted. go watch okies?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-RqoR6UqWnE saw this off shanely's blog and thought it was v appropriate with the video, so i took the whole post and chuck it here.
As you read, refuse to let the scene be familiar. Let its reality shock you and break your heart.- boy meets girl, joshua harris
The face that Moses had begged to see-- was forbidden to see-- was slapped bloody(Exodus 33:19-20). The thorns that God had sent to curse the earth's rebellion now twisted around his brow...
"On your back with you!" One raises a mallet to sink in the spike. But the soldier's heart
must continue pumping as he readies the prisoner's wrist. Someone must sustain the soldier's life minute by minute for no man has this power on his own. Who supplies breath to his lungs? Who gives energy to his cells? Who holds his molecules together? Only by the Son do "all things hold together" (Colossians 1:17). The victim wills that the soldier live on-- he grants the warriors continued existence. The man swings.
As the man swings, the Son recalls how he and the Father first designed the medial nerve of the human forearm-- the sensations it would be capable of. The design proves flawless--the nerves perform exquisitely. "Up you go!" They lift the cross. God is on display in his underwear and can scarcely breathe.
But these pains are a mere warm-up to his other and growing dread. He begins to feel a foreign sensation. Somewhere during this day an unearthly foul odor began to waft, not around his nose, but his heart. He feels dirty. Human wickedness starts to crawl upon his spotless being--the living excrement from our souls. The apple of his Father's eye turns brown with rot. His Father! He must face his Father like this!
From heaven the Father now rouses himself like a lion disturbed, shakes his mane, and roars against the shriveling remnant of a man hanging on a cross. Never has the Son seen the Father look at him so, never felt even the least of his hot breath. But the roar shakes the unseen world and darkens the visible sky. The Son does not recognize these eyes.
"Son of Man! Why have you behaved so? YOu have cheated, lusted, stolen, gossiped--murdered, envied, hated, lied. You have cursed, robbed, overspent, overeaten--fornicated, disobeyed, embezzled, and blasphemed. Oh, the duties you have shirked, the children you have abandoned! Who has ever so ignored the poor, so played the coward, so belittled my name?
Have you ever held your razor tongue? What a self-righteous, pitiful drunk--you, who molest young boys, peddle killer drugs, travel in cliques and mock your parents. Who gave you the boldness to rig elections, foment revolutions, torture animals, and worship demons? Does the list never end! Splitting families, raping virgins, acting smugly, playing the pimp--buying politicians, practising extortion, filming pornography, accepting bribes. You have burned down buildings, perfected terrorist tactics, founded false religions, traded in slaves--relishing each morsel and bragging about it all. I hate, loathe these things in you! Disgust for everthing about you consumes me! Can you not feel my wrath?"
Of course the Son is innocent. He is blamelessness itself. The Father knows this, But the divine pair have an agreement, and the unthinkable must now take place.
Jesus will be treated as if personally responsible for every sin ever commited.The Father watches as his heart's treasure, the mirror-image of himself, sinks drowning into raw, liquid sin. Jehovah's stored rage against humankind from every century explodes in a single direction.
"Father! Father! Why have you forsaken me?!"
But heaven stops its ears. The Son stares up at the One who cannot, who will not, reach down or reply.
The Trinity had planned it. The Son endured it. The Spirit enabled him. The Father rejected the Son whom he loved. Jesus, the God-man from Nazareth, perished. The Father accepted his sacrifice for sin and was satisfied. The Rescue was accomplished. When God weeps. (steven estes, joni eareckson.)
it will and never fail to amaze me how God would let His precious be marred, mocked, tortured, etc, by His enemies- one who He can just wipe up within jiffies/ or even less. we can never be able to fathom that out. really. not with human logic except for that word-
LOVE.Labels: musings.
hmm.
2:59 PM
was just talking to daryl cos i overslept for church (again) and he was like asking me like wad i feel towards wad ppl thinking of me. okies. i really dun care wad ppl think of me. and he was like saying he needs more of that trait of personality.
I dunno if being detached from the society’s point of view is a good thing. maybe it is, if not, i wouldn't have taken this path really.
from being a retainee to taking horticulture and landscape management in poly, it's really not wad most ppl would do.
for me, im glad that i have supportive parents, but at the same time, i wonder how would i have fared if my parent's are aren't as supportive? will i bend into the pressure? hmm.
oh wells. i shouldn't thaink about all that now. cos it's God's plan, yeah? for me to have supportive parents so that i could do wad i loved to do and hopefully do 'a good work' in His name.
this song on K-love really spoke my heart as i was typing this post. enjoy!
Chris Tomlin - How Can I Keep From Singing
From the album
See the Morning
There is an endless song
Echoes in my soul
I hear the music ring
And though the storms may come
I am holding on
To the rock I cling
(Chorus)
How can I keep from singing Your praise
How can I ever say enough
How amazing is Your love
How can I keep from shouting Your name
I know I am loved by the King
And it makes my heart want to sing
I will lift my eyes
In the darkest night
For I know my Savior lives
And I will walk with You
Knowing You'll see me through
And sing the songs You give
(Chorus)
I can sing in the troubled times
Sing when I win
I can sing when I lose my step
And fall down again
I can sing 'cause You pick me up
Sing 'cause You're there
I can sing 'cause You hear me, Lord
When I call to You in prayer
I can sing with my last breath
Sing for I know
That I'll sing with the angels
And the saints around the throne
(Chorus)
Labels: happenings., lyrics, musings.
xenuohcefe.
12:04 AM
after trying to pre-empt stares and screams, i still did not succeed by still getting all those today.
not too sure if it was a good or bad thing., and dear friend karwei tot i wasn't gillian. sighs. =p
maybe i should do more of this kind of surprises huh?
will post picts of the wedding when i get them and make u ppl *faint* or *run and hide*. lol.
yar.
was walking to the bus stop behind church and i thought alot. one was a good friend of mine and the other my ex- crush. i dunno noe how to face them, as in how i should be feeling when talking to them. like i wanna to talk to them as friends but that curiosity in me really wanted to know how's they had been handling it. okies. that's kaypoh-ness. like i still do love them as dear friends, but i dun wanna them to be like that. i noe i have been slow, but i dun wanna either of them to be unhappy (and it goes to all of my other other friendsyar.) but i just dunno how to go about talking to them.
i admit im not exactly a girly- girl (in terms of some character traits) and i really cannot do stuff that ppl thinks all girls should be good at doing: conforting ppl and be a good friend to girls (and anyone else.)
and i can be very insensitive and slow in reacting to ppl's reaction. now who says girls are all alike?
oh wells, i just pray that if God's willing, that they may be together no matter wad. =) like wad the old saying goes: 勉强是没有幸福的. if they are meant to be together, then good lors. =)
Labels: happenings., musings., rants.
lyrics
3:15 PM
Aaron Shust - My Savior My GodFrom the album
Anything Worth SayingI am not skilled to understand
What God has willed, what God has planned
I only know at His right hand
Stands one who is my Savior
I take Him at His word and deed
Christ died to save me; this I read
And in my heart I find a need
Of Him to be my savior
That He would leave His place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You count it strange, so once did I
Before I knew my Savior
Chorus
My Savior loves, My Savior lives
My Savior’s always there for me
My God: He was, my God; He is
My Savior loves, My Savior lives
My Savior’s always there for me
My God: He was, my God; He is
My God is always gonna be
Yes, living, dying, let me bring
My strength, my solace from this spring;
That He who lives to be my King
Once died to be my Savior
That He would leave His place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You count it strange, so once did I
Before I knew my Savior
Chorus
(Instrumental)
Chorus: (2x’s)
My Savior loves, My Savior lives
My Savior loves, My Savior lives
Labels: lyrics
joshduinjxwnkl.
1:08 AM
okies. hi all! =)
it's another 2 days to my cousin's wedding!(i noe there's no link, but pls read on.) and i did some horrid stuff in a desperate attempt.
no picts to show, and pls dun imagine, cos i think i look pretty horrid.
anyways, u guys will get wad i mean if u see mi in that dress (thank God it's only sandra who saw it.)that im going to wear on sat/ sun. i think u all should get prepared to *faintz* if u are seeing mi on those days.
anyways, if anyone has the box for 12 (real, not the pazzion ones) ferreo roche, the totally clear ones, can give mi? lol. cos i wanna...er..do sth with it...which...i will tell u when i get it. =D
and so, if u are seeing me in the next few days, please don't come screaming in my ear and say that i nv warn u ar. i always give ample waring beforehand on my blog lors. =)
Labels: happenings., rants.
lyrics.
11:34 AM
Nichole Nordeman - What IfFrom the album
BraveWhat if you’re right?
And he was just another nice guy
What if you’re right?
What if it’s true?
They say the cross will only make a fool of you
And what if it’s true?
What if he takes his palace in history
With all the prophets and the kings
Who taught us love and came in peac
eBut then the story ends
What then?
(Chorus)
But what if you’re wrong?
What if there’s more?
What if there’s hope you never dreamed of hoping for?
What if you jump?
And just close your eyes?
What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise?
What if He’s more than enough?
What if it’s love?
What if you dig, What if you dig
Way down deeper than your simple-minded friends
What if you dig?
What if you find
A thousand more unanswered questions inside
That’s all you find
What if you pick apart the logic
And begin to poke the holes
What if the crown of thorns is no more
Then folklore that must be told and retold
(Chorus)
You’ve been running as fast as you can
You’ve been looking for a place you can land so long
But what if you’re wrong?
What if you jump?
And just close your eyes?
What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise?
What if He’s more than enough?
What if it’s love?
Labels: lyrics
analogy.
11:05 AM
i just thought of an analogy as i was trying to rescue my mite- infested AV.
mites are just like sin; being microscopic and the mite eggs' are laid in the plant itself and also needing a being to get rid of it from the infected plant. not only that, it's also very infectious; if not handled properly, they may spread to other healthy plants. however they are pretty afraid of light (how true is that with sin.) and moisture.
and the only way for the plant to get well is through chemical means, even though some say that by hot water it kills them too (but at the same time, killing the plant as well la, 同归于尽).
chemical on plants. it should hurt the plant a fair bit. cos plants can get burnt too if the dose is not right. in the same way, God uses trials to let us see our sin/ mould us into better ppl, except that God nv uses the wrong dose on us.
yeah, sure it hurts. we all dun like to face difficult times when we are in it, but think. when it's over, we are changed. our perspective changes too. in fact, we are changed to more Christ- centered beings, which is more to perfection in God's eyes.
same thing. after the infected plant get it's one month plus miticide treatment, it's healthy again. perfect once again. u get to see nice foilage and blooms from the plant.
and of course, like sin, we can never expect when those nasty things would resurface on the plant again. isn't this a great analogy? =p
finally, my brain's woking and not as rusty as it was for a long time.
Labels: happenings., musings.
thank you
2:02 PM
many a times i used to wonder and pray, why was the answer a 'no' and i thank God that it was a 'no' now and that i have learnt to clear the feelings towards u.
i didn't want to know anymore, but God by His wisdom and grace still let me see the reason why it was a 'no'.
actually i guessed half the story already, so i guess it was a reaffirmation of what i thought. and im actually pretty glad that my reactions weren't something that i would believe that i would reacted in the past.
i guess i've been strengthened by the experience no matter what and i dun want to be ur girl anymore; i just want to be someone who will be always there for u, even in my times of immaturity/ insensitivity.
if u happen to read this, i hope u noe that u're a person whom i really respect and that i can be there for u if u want me to be, standing by ur side.
____________________________________________________
anyways, i realised that i've been posting nonsensical stuff over the last few days. yeah. maybe due to the fact that i had been rotting at home since my knees hurt/ after project serve and that i got quite a fair bit of imagination of wad can happen to me.
will continue to rot at home till poly starts. sighs. not the thing i want to do to pass time.
i dun feel like a friend to anyone. well, i dun even noe how to be a friend to ppl. how are friends suppose to be like? idk. failure. sighs. maybe i should really fulfil my not- very- childhood dream of being a hermit in some mountains and i should go do some gardening/ re-forestation at the same time. LOVE FOR NATURE. =]Labels: happenings., musings.
shortone.
5:11 PM
okies. im sorry for that emo post.
but anyways, my knees feels better now even it was still pretty uncomfortable till the point i was still tossing and turning on my bed yest again.
i feel like at the rate im gg, i might nid a wheelchair soon. sheesh. okies maybe not that serious but might come true unless i really give my knees the rest that they badly want/ need. lols.
well wells. think i should get going and pot up my plants. =) ciaos!
Labels: happenings.
denuwcdgcdji.
4:21 PM
been feeling useless and
unwanted lately. sighs.
how i wish things weren't that bad.
been thinking alot. and many things been passing through me. and i really dun wanna think about it anymore.
feeling emo.
and wasting space.
im getting upset about the smallest thing without any sense.
and i have been overexerting myself for the past few days and it's been hurting like crap till the point that i was drifting in and out of sleep cos it was painful/ uncomfortable. darn.
It's a fallen world where nothing's perfect. and it's in a mess.Labels: happenings., rants.
lyrics
7:58 PM
Let us exalt
At all times I will bless Him
His praise shall be on my mouth
My soul makes its boast in the Lord
The humble man shall hear of Him
The afflicted shall be glad
And join with me to magnify the Lord
(Chorus)
Let us exalt His name together, forever
I sought the Lord; He heard me and delivered me from my sins
Let us exalt His name together, forever
O sing His praises, magnify the Lord!
The angel of the Lord encamps
Round those who fear His name
To save them and deliver them from harm
Though lions roar with hunger
We lack for no good thing
No wonder then we praise Him with our song
(Chorus)
Come children now and hear Him
If you would see long life
Just keep your lips from wickedness and lies
Do good and turn from evil
Seek peace instead of strife
Love righteousness and God will hear your cry
(Chorus)
Labels: lyrics
some stuff.
9:08 AM
omg!!! my feet are blistering la, after 2 days of heels. darn.
oh wells, but at least i bought my lappie from the I.T fair already, except that it will only arrive 3 weeks later.=)
yeah, was tempted to buy from another brand cos it comes with a web cam, skype phone, but then i dun really trust the brand la. ooh, and at the fair, if u bought a mac ibook, u get a 1 gb nano lar!!!! but then again, the ibook's pretty heavy and i dun really listen to music la.
yeah. yep. and i can't believe that project serve's over, but like wad they say, althogh project serve's over, but the journey's still not over. must always look at the final goal, not the short term goal. =)
yeah. hope that i can use my lappie soon. =) cos im afraid that my desktop will crash soon, and gillian will be very broke soon. sighs.
Labels: happenings., rants.
lyrics
4:42 PM
Casting Crowns - Does Anybody Hear Her
From the album Lifesong
She is running
A hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction
She is trying
But the canyon's ever widening
In the depths of her cold heart
So she sets out on another misadventure just to find
She's another two years older
And she's three more steps behind
Chorus:
Does anybody hear her?
Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even know she's going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her?
Can anybody see?
She is yearning
For shelter and affection
That she never found at home
She is searching
For a hero to ride in
To ride in and save the day
And in walks her prince charming
And he knows just what to say
Momentary lapse of reason
And she gives herself away
(Chorus)
If judgment looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people
Can't see past her scarlet letter
And we never even met her
(Chorus)
She is running
A hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction
Labels: lyrics
lyrics
4:01 PM
Superchick - Stand In The RainFrom the album
Beauty From Pain 1.1She never slows down
She doesn’t know why
But she knows that when she’s all alone
It feels like it’s all coming down
She won’t turn around
The shadows are long
And she fears if she cries that first tear
The tears will not stop raining down
(Chorus)
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it’s all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won’t drown
And one day what’s lost can be found
You stand in the rain
She won’t make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself
And the fear’s whispering
If she stands, she’ll fall down
She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything
She’s running from
Wants to give up and lie down
(2x’s)Chorus
Labels: lyrics
lyrics
3:55 PM
Nicole C. Mullen - RedeemerFrom the album
Nicole C. Mullen
Who taught the sun where to stand in the morning
Who told the ocean you an only come this far?
Who showed the moon where to hide 'til evening
Whose words alone can catch a falling star?
Well I know my Redeemer lives
I know my Redeemer lives
All of creation testify
This life within me cries
I know my Redeemer lives
The very same God that spins things in orbit
He runs to the weary, the worn and the weak
And the same gentle hands that hold me when I'm broken
They conquered death to bring me victory
Now I know my Redeemer lives
I know my Redemer lives
Let all creation testify
Let this life within me cry
I know my Redeemer, He lives
To take away my shame
And He lives forever I'll proclaim
That the payment for my sin
Was the precious life He gave
But now He's alive
And there's a new day
And I know my Redeemer, He lives
I know my Redeemer lives
Let all creation testify
This life within me cries
I know my Redeemer lives
Labels: lyrics
lyrics.
3:11 PM
Toby Mac - Made To Love
From the album
Portable Sounds
The dream is fading now I am staring at the door
I know it’s over cause my feet have hit the cold floor
Check my reflection, I ain’t feeling what I see
It’s no mystery
What ever happened to a passion I could live for?
What became of the flame that made me feel more?
And when did I forget…
Chorus:
That I was made to love You
I was made to find You
I was made just for You
Made to adore You
I was made to love and be loved by You
You were here before me
You were waiting on me
And You said You’d keep me never would You leave me
I was made to love
And be loved by You
The dreams alive with my eyes open wide
Back in the ring You got me swingin’ for the grand prize
I feel the haters spittin’ vapors on my dreams
But I still believe…I’m reachin’ out, reachin’ up, reachin’ over
I feel a breeze cover me called Jehovah
And Daddy I’m on my way…
(Chorus)
Anything I would give up for You
Everything I give it all away
Labels: lyrics
lyrics
10:09 PM
Nichole Nordeman - What If
From the album Brave
What if you’re right?
And he was just another nice guy
What if you’re right?
What if it’s true?
They say the cross will only make a fool of you
And what if it’s true?
What if he takes his palace in history
With all the prophets and the kings
Who taught us love and came in peace
But then the story ends
What then?
(Chorus) But what if you’re wrong?
What if there’s more?
What if there’s hope you never dreamed of hoping for?
What if you jump?
And just close your eyes?
What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise?
What if He’s more than enough?
What if it’s love?
What if you dig,
What if you dig
Way down deeper than your simple-minded friends
What if you dig?
What if you find
A thousand more unanswered questions inside
That’s all you find
What if you pick apart the logic
And begin to poke the holes
What if the crown of thorns is no more
Then folklore that must be told and retold
(Chorus)
You’ve been running as fast as you can
You’ve been looking for a place you can land so long
But what if you’re wrong?
What if you jump?
And just close your eyes?
What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise?
What if He’s more than enough?
What if it’s love?
Labels: lyrics
I HOPE U CAN READ
3:17 PM
been feeling out of place, and i guess, it's not only me hu's feeling this way.
i dun wanna compress my feelings yet at the same time, i dun wanna hurt the ppl ard mi and the person whom i've promised.
i dun want to sit on the fence and pretend that nothing's wrong when there is a HUGE problem going on.
i dun know if u ppl actually noticed that there are alot of ppl hu have already MIA-ed and more soon, if u ppl just do nothing about it.
And unto the angel of the church of the Laodiceans write; These things saith the Amen, the faithful and true witness, the beginning of the creation of God; I know thy works, that thou art neither cold nor hot: I would thou wert cold or hot. So then because thou art lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spew thee out of my mouth. Because thou sayest, I am rich, and increased with goods, and have need of nothing; and knowest not that thou art wretched, and miserable, and poor, and blind, and naked: (rev. 3:14-17)
thought this passage will be useful t0 remind u ppl not to be too comfortable with wad u have and in ur cliques. u all think that everyone must think like u, that YF is a good place, when it is not at all in this case, especially for ppl hu are without a clique, or for a person who is unable to articulate their thoughts because they fear that they will hurt the ppl that they treasure most.
im not mentioning names and all and i hope that ur conscience will prick u and think hu have u been ignoring and WHERE IS THE LOVE THAT JESUS CALLED US TO EXERCISE?
Labels: happenings., musings., rants.