insights with God.

2011-10-24T16:30:00.003+08:00

Yet another long hiatus.

Took time off from work today, after having a real bad diarrohoea in the wee hours and just taking time trying to clear the stuff on my laptop since it's been having a low disk space since God-knows-how-long-it- was..

And yet, even though all this time, i felt a nagging thought at the back of my head: come back to Me.

I guess, even with all these while, I've been running away from God with all the things that I don't want to face. It's been there, for so long, like a skeleton in the closet.

Maybe you must be wondering why is this even an issue? Like, surely everyone must have a deep dark secret that only they themselves find comfort in.

Yet, Isa 53:3- 5 says:

He was despised and rejected by men,
a man of suffering who knew what sickness was.
He was like one people turned away from;
He was despised, and we didn't value Him.
Yet He Himself bore our sicknesses,
and He carried our pains;
but we in turn regarded Him stricken,
struck down by God, and afflicted.
But He was pierced because of our transgressions,
crushed because of our iniquities;
punishment for our peace was on Him,
and we are healed by His wounds.

If, according to these verses that God said that He has sent a replacement for our transgressions and iniquities (aka sin and guilt) and by that, it also leads us to healing, then why aren't I desiring it?

The danger of not wanting to receive this healing could be due to pride, guilt emotions, self pity and so on and so forth.. which i do admit that there are indeed all of those in me (yes, i'm still human on the other end of the computer). Which then the question lies ahead of me, which do i desire more? being comfortable in my own comfort zone or being glued to God (like what ps victor shared yesterday)? being stuck in the rut or do i want to soar on eagles' wings?

2011-04-06T15:25:00.002+08:00

been feeling dissatisfied. maybe it's because i feel that i dun measure up. maybe i've been taking things into my own hands.

or maybe i have too much head knowledge that can't seem to translate it into action. it's easy to start well, but harder with each and every passing step because it just gets harder and narrower. (im not trying to justify why i've failed, but it's a lament and a way of pushing myself forward)

it's easy to say 'i love God' yet time and again, that our actions don't justify that. how can it be that we say that want to follow God and then we choose to deliberately sin the most obvious sin and trying to justifying that by saying that you'll wrong the right by making it up in due time? i really cannot fathom that, really, God, but i know that everything is really permissible but it's not beneficial, to us.

dear gillian, you are also not spared of this sin as well.

Luke 6:37-38 Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you; a good measure-pressed down, shaken together, and running over-will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you."

'If anyone wants to follow Me, he must first deny himself, take up the cross and follow Me.'

here's a glimpse on how my grumbling would be if i haven't resolved in my heart to count the costs:

deny myself! oh God, haven't i done enough? God i've already given you time to attend all services, oikos-es, and just to fellowship with the brethren and i've sought You diligently, isn't it enough? i tithe, i pledged to missions, i gave until im in financial difficulty now, not denying myself enough?

and then taking up the cross! haven't i given alot; i don't even get to hang out and catch up with my buddies not enough?! haven't i learnt to face up to my past? im 'trying to take up responsibility' here. and i came to the point that my friends have forsaken me because im trying to be a testimony for Your sake, and still not enough?

and i still have to follow Your laws?! as in You mean that what i've just done is not enough?! @#$%^&* !

then i remembered Mat 7:21- 23:

"Not everyone who says to Me, 'Lord, Lord!' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but [only] the one who does the will of My Father in heaven. On that day many will say to Me, 'Lord, Lord, didn't we prophesy in Your name, drive out demons in Your name, and do many miracles in Your name? ' Then I will announce to them, 'I never knew you! Depart from Me, you lawbreakers!'

then by this time, some will come up and say, "why should we change? isn't God's grace sufficient for me? 2 Cor 19: 9 says that But He said to me,"My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may reside in me.

and furthermore, romans 5:20- 21 The law came along to multiply the trespass. But where sin multiplied, grace multiplied even more, so that, just as sin reigned in death, so also grace will reign through righteousness, resulting in eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.

it's really clear in Romans 6 that God's grace shouldn't be taken for granted. v 1-3 says that, What should we say then? Should we continue in sin in order that grace may multiply? Absolutely not! How can we who died to sin still live in it?

Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body, so that you obey its desires. And do not offer any parts of it to sin as weapons for unrighteousness. But as those who are alive from the dead, offer yourselves to God, and all the parts of yourselves to God as weapons for righteousness. For sin will not rule over you, because you are not under law but under grace.

(v 12-14)

i clearly understand that this is hard teaching, and it's also hard for me who is typing this, as my ipod's softly playing Via Dolorosa in my ears, reminding me of the Man who suffered for us to redeem us from our sins and encouraging me to walk way that deems right to Him, not my self- perceived right ways.

maybe you are thinking, 'why do you want to go through so much pain in your life, Gillian, why? why are u making life so difficult for yourself? isn't life hard enough? isn't being contented that God loves me, love the whole world and I love Him back enough? God says in the famous John 3:16 that For God loved the world in this way: He gave His One and Only Son, so that everyone who believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life. Right?'

WRONG. Look at the people who have always surrounded Jesus. the multitudes and the disciples. both groups have seen and heard the miracles of Jesus. Look at the two groups of them, even though i believe that in the multitudes, there are people who believe that Jesus is God, is the Messiah, but because they remained in the 'God loves me, love the whole world and I love Him back' and a passive attitude for God, that is why their lives remained unchanged, mundane, that they will NEVER live up to their destiny, the lofty dreams that God drew in the blueprint of life.

Look at the disciples. they sought God actively, refused to remain in the 'God loves me, love the whole world and I love Him back', refused to let their shortcomings/ sins be in the way of getting close to Jesus. Look how their lives been transformed. from mere fishermen, they became public speakers, despite never having any formal education (i believe), they stood before judges, governors, multitudes, sharing their testimony. this is their destiny, their purpose in life: to know Christ and make Him known. even though they suffered persecution, death by torture, but this is their high calling, that because of their faith that we today enjoy their fruits- to be saved by the grace of Jesus Christ.

today, this baton has been passed to us. are we willing to step forward and allow our hands to be dirty and say, God, take our lives and use it for the furtherance of Your Kingdom. I don't want to remain as a convert/ follower; i want to be a disciple of Christ. I want to be like the Apostles, to go into all the world and make disciples of all nations.

As we make this prayer, God, You help our hearts to choose what is good and pleasing in Your sight; help us to make the right choices and die to our flesh and our old nature.

2011-03-28T00:19:00.002+08:00

just wanna thank God for His unfailing love, for His presence with me throughout the day, and that for His insights that helped me to understand more of His word through LTS (bible study class) on the study of the study of salvation, which i must say it's really very helpful and refreshing.. which sometimes being an 'older' christian, we tend to be so focused on acquiring on more knowledge and looking like a spiritual giant.

which i thank God for remembering that we are only made of dust (Psa 103:14), that He remembers the things that i was struggling with, that during worship, He whispered into my ears and said, "Child, come pass the outer courts, into the holy place; pass the brazen altar; pass by the crowds of people, the priests who sing praises, I want to have a Me to you time"

That out of the hundreds in the worship hall, He took me, and found me and took hold of my guilt of the past and shook me free. that His word that says 'So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed'.

free indeed! because of grace, that we were given what we do not deserve- the forgiveness of our sins! yet, because of the laws, we were given boundaries. and ironically, it is indeed these laws will really make us free indeed.

John 10:14- 16 “I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me— just as the Father knows me and I know the Father—and I lay down my life for the sheep. I have other sheep that are not of this sheep pen. I must bring them also. They too will listen to my voice, and there shall be one flock and one shepherd.

By grace we, the other sheep outside the pen, is brought in into the safety of the sheep pen, because, the enemy is outside the sheep pen, waiting to devour any that walks out of the sheep pen.

1 Peter 5:8 Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walks about, seeking whom he may devour:

2011-03-27T02:17:00.002+08:00

just reading some of my old posts and like woah! i never knew that my posts were that inspiring.. until now. yeah.. down the years when i look back, i suppose i can say thank You God, for sustaining me all these while.

like thank You for bearing all my nonsense and also thank You for giving me so many chances that i never really cherished.. thank You for the people in my life who had stayed constant in my life (i started this blog as a ignorant young teenager, just accepted Christ, life was quite messed up, grew in the Lord, disobeyed God in certain major decisions of my life, just wandering in the spiritual desert and then God slowly pursued me, brought me back into His will, where He wanted to place me all these while)

and i just want to say, thank You Jesus, for remaining faithful to me, for being my shiny Knight in white (that was mentioned in one of my earlier posts)... and thank You for the many chances that i have had..

and i will jiayou (press in) for my next challenge. =D (looks like im really inspired by the younger me).

2011-03-26T12:28:00.004+08:00

Angry? Say a prayer at Yahoo! Singapore

which it does helps, because when we pray, we are saying, "God, take control of the situation."

and the only reason if u still feel angry about it after praying, is because u have chosen to not let go of the anger. which, we can't feel free unless we choose to let go.

i wish... i know.

2011-03-25T15:26:00.002+08:00

how many times do we actually sit down and think what we want to do?

influenced by? i don't know, sometimes my mind tells me 'hey, you are a christian, you can't/ shouldn't be doing this and that.'

i admit, i do feel at times that why God, why can't i do certain things.. and i get fed- up that God says i can't do this and that. but the truth is, no one said i can't do those things. it's not that i can't apply to go for university (despite my grades), go find a proper full time job that is wonderful, high paying and better still, is related to my discipline, or get a boyfriend, go clubbing, go drinking and get drunk, i can. why not? it's my life anyway.

but it is my choice. a choice to obey God. “If you love me, keep my commands." (john 14:15)

then comes the persecution and the mocking. people will come and ask why did you do what you just did? and then if u are going to say "becos God told me to do it" you will be mocked. "WHAT?! God asked you to do it? how do you know that it is God? You sure anot? or are u just running away from reality?! how are u going to survive with this kind of job/ pay?" and you will feel lousy, unsure and maybe even stupid of what you just did.

what then, are u going to stand up to your beliefs or are you going to run away or maybe something in between, obey but give some lame excuse to everyone who mock at you?

i admit im that person who tries to obey to God, yet giving lame excuses to the entire world.

“You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. (matthew 5:14-15)

rev 2:10b Be faithful, even to the point of death, and I will give you life as your victor’s crown.

im back!

2011-03-25T14:59:00.006+08:00

after such a long hiatus, im finally back on blogger..

and it's not because im emo (guess i've learnt to not emo as much), but i guess it's the comments i saw on my tagboard..

it's like what Paul have said, 'not that i've achieve it, but i press on towards the goal'. not that im a fantastic blogger or a 'im there' christian, but i guess, by penning out my thoughts, im able to sort out my thoughts better and through that, share with everyone my journey with God and that i can learn to be a blessing to everyone.

yeah. anyway, thanks for visiting!

2010-09-14T00:28:00.001+08:00

i realised that every time that i bothered to post about sth, it's usually nothing good.

and i just feel like ranting but forget it. i dun want to talk anymore. let me just be a hermit for the rest of my life.

2010-09-06T02:01:00.002+08:00

dear gillian,

it's time to grow up. many things u may not have understood, but i know u will find the real you one day. stop hanging on to the past, and let the future flow.

dun worry, i will always be around, but when that day comes, i believe you will no longer need me and you'll know what u should do by then.

cheerios,
gillie

2010-08-25T00:57:00.002+08:00

dear gillie,

i feel terrible. i feel like crap. i don't really want to face up.

it's my bad for not talking to you. best friend, i don't even know myself anymore. many times when i talked myself into getting to write to Abba, i find myself walking out of that situation.

i don't want. but i know i can't stay there. blearghx.

sometimes, i wished i had nv appeared. yeah, i hope you know what im going thru. but it doesn't matter if u don't.

Love,
gillian

2010-08-20T01:30:00.002+08:00

maybe i have been selfish. too much.

every time when i watch humanitarian aid shows, it would simply remind me of how we are to bless the poor, to reach out to the ppl in unreachable areas, yet many times i dun see it happening.

even i feel so jaded. who are we to bless? like being in comfy singapore, we just tend to say that we are so poor, yet we do not realise that we are still categorised as the top 10% richest in the world.

we take our health care, education, transport system for granted. we grumble of ppl trying to take small advantages of us, yet we do not care for a world that is broken.

i dun deny that i fall into those above, that's why i am amazed. that You called us to be Your hands and feet.

i feel worthless that You called me worthy. i am guilty of condemning myself. when You told me my chains are gone, i was liberated. but after awhile, i can't help but falling into that pit again. it's a cycle. bad vicious, cycle.

bye

2010-08-18T15:49:00.002+08:00

things don't matter right?

it's time not to care, why care when no one appreciates it, takes it for granted?

it's okay not to want it back. i dun care anyways. so it dun matter anymore.

damn. heck to those who complain that this is emo.

back!

2010-08-15T01:18:00.002+08:00

well... it's so long a hiatus from blogger and i realised that i just can't seem to blog on livejournal.

well.. was feeling abit melancholy.. with a tinge of sentiments lowing through.. and just came back browsing this blog.

don't know why, i just want to type something in here. guess it has already in a sense, become my comfort zone. to being able to express wad i couldn't write in my journal book or even with God Himself.

i've tried hard to find myself a meaning in life, and every time i think i found it, it slips off running to a place that looks quite hazy. was all those wrong? maybe they were just stepping stones, or they were way off course.

i thought hlm would be something i could stick with, but i realised an interest could only remain as an interest when you are naturally not cut out for the job. i can't gauge lengths without an accurate guide most of the time (just that i dun verbalise them; but they go way of at times.) which is important in all aspects of horticulture. give me a plant; i can't tell u the height of the plant, which is impt for nursery sales, propagation, landscaping. which is like everything.

tried so hard, searched many times looking to satisfy this heart of mine.

i suppose having this irritating fracture helps me to force me to not move anywhere and to consider my ways ahead of me. which i have to learn to overcome my (bad) fear of God. to come before as who i am, unashamedly.

; a rumor, a whisper of things long ago

of a great and awesome thing

as I reach out to heaven

my heart wanting more

reveal to me

my life today

2009-10-16T03:59:00.002+08:00

haha. talk about reaching a thousand posts when i was younger. anyway, it's been official.

no, im not attached to anyone as of yet, but i thought about it and i felt that it's quite useless to be on blogger, since i can't share anything deeper, felt odd la.

doubt im blogging here again, since im posting my struggles, thoughts and musings and all on live journal since like a month back?

not posting the link cos i nda protect against spammers and other undesirable ppl trudging the web for bad stuff.

and like i said, contents of it is deeper and yup, if u feel challenged to know the other side of gillian, the bad, the ugly and the vulnerable, do ask for the link from me on msn yeah?

2009-09-13T02:15:00.002+08:00

haha. back from korea still alive and yes, grateful for the trip.

God has been faithful, and true to His word. How can i say? the sun when i left for Korea, God spoke to my soul as a work of healing within my soul that felt neglected, that was unloved; to cause me to see that God was in the midst of all the brokeness waiting for me to be open for healing.

that fear of going to meet and deal with the weaknesses caused me to limit what God is able to do and really overimagine what things will be like.

Psa 27:10 When my father and my mother forsake me, then Jehovah will take me up.

2009-09-05T03:43:00.000+08:00

alrights. finished knitting and presentation's over. whee! korea in less than 48 hours!

yup. looking forward to agape rally. cos i believe that God will still heal, if we have the faith to believe that God is mighty to save.

sometimes, i just feel i can't share anything here, cos it's just weird to go deeper, like the fear that ppl just dun understand. not that i doubt ur intellect, but will u see the same way as me? im just tired of being superficial on my blog.. if being superficial is the only way that u'll understand gillian most, i'd rather close this blog that has memories of me since 15? than to carry on being superficial.

most of u might think gillian is looking forward to the korea trip.. but im not. why? cos gillian is afraid, afraid of the things that is to come. afraid to go thru the refining fire. to see herself moving significantly out of her comfort zone.

'isn't it just a trip to korea to unwind after a bad semester?' NO. if i could, i'd rather not go anywhere, honestly. but because God promised that after going through refining, i would emerge more victorious than before and becos He'll never leave nor forsake me even the going gets tough.

and although gillian is like niaming not to go korea, but she knows that at the end, she will be glad that she went, not becos she shopped alot, but becos she had met God in her weaknesses that God is going to heal her of.

2009-08-28T13:45:00.002+08:00

anyway, for the last 2 weeks, it was great!! haha. (tho i really procrastinated like siao for my presentation...)

learnt a song on the guitar, 'give them all' (super old song.. heh), and have been frantically knitting a project for the last few nights. yup. so cool right? haha. im gonna do that for my entire hols- go learn sth.

anyway, i was about to sew my knitted pieces then i realised i lost my needles! crap. how wonderful can it be?

ya. i've got less than 24 hrs to finish sewing it up and less than 72 hours for my presentation... ouch.

and yes. im gg KOREA like in another 9 days! haha. but it's not a shopping trip kayys? so i dunno if i can get all that stuff for victoria and jocelyn (cos victoria's gonna give me a LOOOOOOOONGGGGGG list of things to buy X2) and also get stuff for cell grp, fangling and mabel and at the same time getting enough things for myself too.

and im not sure if mom's extending the trip by one more day... and i wanna visit the church there!!!

kayys, off to get my needles. =) and oh! looking forward to borrow daryl's bigger crumpler!! yay. cos i wanna try to see if i should to 'upsize' krumps, cos krumps just can't close with all my things now...

P.S krumps is my crumpler's name. =) and victoria prefers to be called victoria now. so pls dun call her vicky.

Fellowship of the Unashamed- a prayer by a african pastor.

2009-08-21T14:58:00.002+08:00

I am a part of the fellowship of the Unashamed. I have the Holy SpiritPower. The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made. I am a disciple of Jesus Christ. I won't look back, let up, slow down, back away, or be still. My past is redeemed, my present makes sense, and my future is secure. I am finished and done with low living, sight walking, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tame visions, mundane talking, chintzy giving, and dwarfed goals.

I no longer need preeminence, prosperity, position, promotions, plaudits, or popularity. I don't have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised, regarded, or rewarded. I now live by presence, learn by faith, love by patience, lift by prayer, and labor by power.

My pace is set, my gait is fast, my goal is Heaven, my road is narrow, my way is rough, my companions few, my Guide is reliable, my mission is clear.I cannot be bought, compromised, deterred, lured away, turned back, diluted, or delayed. I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of adversity, negotiate at the table of the enemy, ponder at the pool of popularity, or meander in the maze of mediocrity.

I won't give up, back up, let up, or shut up until I've preached up, prayed up, paid up, stored up, and stayed up for the cause of Christ. I am a disciple of Jesus Christ. I must go until He returns, give until I drop, preach until all know, and work until He comes.

And when He comes to get His own, He will have no problem recognizing me. My colors will be clear for "I am not ashamed of the Gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes.." (Romans 1:16)

this was the prayer screened at the MI graduation ceremony and it was the challenge left by the people who had completed the race. =) and my friend post it at his blog, which i find it timely.

when will gillian be finished and done with low living, sight walking, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tame visions, mundane talking, chintzy giving, and dwarfed goals? and to really live out being a gillie?

2009-08-19T16:20:00.002+08:00

a long while.. since being here.

not that i haven't been blogging, but just that it's halfway done, it nevers gets thru to be posted.

cos i really don't know how to use words to get the situation across. like i think like only victoria, jocelyn, jennifer (my discipler) would understand. the people who kinda know my situation. yeah.

in and out, out and in. in a way i have been drifting and also being the master of my own life instead of God.

yups. im on a rollercoaster ride again.

2009-08-04T09:16:00.004+08:00

i firmly believe that God is still in control.

even tho i may despair at times or bee too overly focused my problems instead of Him, but when i learn to step back and put things into back into perspective, i find that i was being too prideful to not depend on Him.

the world says that u should protect yourself because no one's gonna protect you, but that was exactly what was hindering me from my Lover. He said, 'come on, Gillian, I will be your Protector, your shiny Knight in white. why do you still arm yourself? you don't trust that I'll protect you?"

just as how i've broke His heart, He broke mine so that He could heal my insecurities. I've always tried to put myself into simon peter's shoes and let Jesus ask me "Simon, son of Jonas, do you love me more than these?" (in my case, He will call me Gillian la.. and yours, pls change it accordingly)

i simply couldn't see how Simon Peter could be so broken over that question that Jesus asked 3 times, until i experienced it for myself. "Gillian, do you love me more than everything?" "Gillian, do you love me?" "Gillian, do you love me?"

Something just broke within me which led me to realise that even when times that i felt that i couldn't love Him, i couldn't move myself away from Him, but instead, i found myself moving closer. Closer and closer, into His embrace, into this peace, when all around me are howling winds and storms.

A promise, to be with me all the time. A promise, that He would be my shiny Knight in white. A promise, that He'll never leave nor forsake me, even in my darkest moments. Because He was there during Mankind's darkest hour.

yup. because of His faithfulness, that's why im able to stand here today. and tho i may not be a good example of what Christ is, i know that this is not the final product.

God, this desire has been ignited. Please dun let it die.

i don't know about you, maybe u felt that all this only happens in fairy tales and fairy tales dun happen in real life but as i type this, i really wanna share that there was this sense of assurance that i felt and really, 我被神感动了。祂的大爱，触摸我，使我不仅地赞颂祂。

2009-07-30T12:20:00.002+08:00

as usual slacking... gosh... totally not in the mood to do my report. argh.

okays... i left conclusion and recommendations and appendix... and viola! im done. at least for the report... and then i'll have to do my poster.. which i feel is the dumbest thing eva.

right. msn-ed ferooze just now. =) quite happy cos i haven't talked to him for 2 yrs plus. but then it's like the usual formalities then after that then wad? im really not some one who can converse well on msn.

and woah. just now talking to jocelyn on the phone and she shared that she just got a job offer that can start tomorrow. like so cool can! =) so glad for her that she got a job. =) yay yay.

okayys. looks like mabel's not lunching with me...hur? sigh. kkays. anyway, i should be thinking of the things i need to hand in tml.

2009-07-29T09:24:00.002+08:00

sheesh. i really hate the report. can't think of wad to write.

still nua-ing in makan place. happily (actually not very happy also) surfing net.. doing anything except doing my IAP stuff. yucks.

sigh. i really need to rethink everything abt IAP. blearghx.

2009-07-28T11:46:00.002+08:00

okayys. here it goes... I AM SO NOT IN THE MOOD TO DO MY REPORT, PPT AND POSTER. argh.

and really, i wanna die already. come come, brain. you need to function. i dun wanna fail this module, and reapeat it. yuck yuck yuck. boo to you! IAP. yuck.

as of today for the past 3 hours, i only typed a pathetic paragraph and the opening slide for my ppt. and i dun even think any of it made any sense to me.

feeling really terrible for the past hr/ not sure if im too bored or am i falling sick. so glad i've brought my converse jacket. sheesh. i contrast with the bright yellow table that im seating at real well.

okayys. fang's coming to find me for the next 4 hrs. so ya.. at least won't be too bored. but hope able to do something productive.

2009-07-27T13:39:00.003+08:00

was browsing thru some ppl's blogs; seriously, blog hopping is really not my thing anymore.. im like 1) im too tired to on the com, 2) im too bz in work (last time), 3)im too bz checking mail/ fb-ing, 4) i can't multi- task, so no surfing net and last but not least, 5) i kinda forgot to go back to read the posts!

anyway, not the point again. i think sometimes u'll nv know when ur post really lifts ppl up. ya. maybe like the last few posts that brings an insight to gillian hasn't been edifying tho. ya.

i know gillian's character/ responses have been fluctuating the past year (like i can bet a million dollars for those who seen me thru my years in poly were like puzzled why gillian changed petty much and all) and if u hated the change in gillian, dun worry, u're not the only one.

i think it's really a trying period of time where God really puts you to the test. to test once and again to see if you past the test. for me, i really can't say if i will pass the test, but really, when i pass the test, gillian would become more stable(?)

Psalm 51
To the Chief Musician. A Psalm of David, when Nathan the prophet came to him, after he had gone in to Bathsheba.
Psa 51:1 Have mercy on me, O God, according to Your loving-kindness (aka unfailing love); according to the multitude of Your tender mercies, blot out my transgressions.
Psa 51:2 Wash me completely from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin.
Psa 51:3 For I confess my transgressions; and my sin is ever before me.
Psa 51:4 Against You, You only, have I sinned, and done evil in Your sight; that You might be justified when You speak, and be clear when You judge.
Psa 51:5 Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity, and in sin did my mother conceive me.
Psa 51:6 Behold, You desire truth in the inward parts; and in the hidden part You shall make me to know wisdom.
Psa 51:7 Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
Psa 51:8 Make me to hear joy and gladness; that the bones which You have broken may rejoice.
Psa 51:9 Hide Your face from my sins, and blot out all my iniquities.
Psa 51:10 Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.
Psa 51:11 Cast me not away from Your presence, and take not Your Holy Spirit from me.
Psa 51:12 Restore to me the joy of Your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit.
Psa 51:13 Then I will teach transgressors Your ways; and sinners shall be converted to You.
Psa 51:14 Deliver me from the guilt of shedding blood, O God, O God of my salvation, and my tongue shall sing aloud of Your righteousness.
Psa 51:15 O Jehovah, open my lips, and my mouth shall show forth Your praise.
Psa 51:16 For You do not desire sacrifice; or else I would give it; You do not delight in burnt offering.
Psa 51:17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and a contrite heart, O God, You will not despise.
Psa 51:18 Do good in Your good pleasure to Zion; build the walls of Jerusalem.
Psa 51:19 Then shall You be pleased with the sacrifices of righteousness, with burnt offering and whole burnt offering; then they shall offer bulls on Your altar.

one of gillian's fave psalms for now. haha.

2009-07-22T09:39:00.002+08:00

ROMP! on TV! yay!

2009-07-22T09:00:00.002+08:00

i think when i learn to start to articulate, things will just start flowing from me. yup.

being back in school isn't such a bad idea after all. thru this, i really see the sovereignty of God once again. too many things happened, and i know that if not for God, i'll nv ever move on. yups.

really so blessed to read vicky's schedule and i know that when i take time to read her schedule and to process thru, it really stirs the lazy heart of mine to like 'hey! what are you doing to the things that you need to do?'

yup. and yesterday as i was having personal time with yvonne, my crusade stuff, i just felt that God's speaking again la.. like the things that He's shown me, will i do it or once again sweep it under the carpet?

too many times, they just get swept under carpet and never got down to be done.

John 1:1-14
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.
The same was in the beginning with God.
All things were made by him; and without him was not any thing made that was made.
In him was life; and the life was the light of men.
And the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not.
There was a man sent from God, whose name was John.
The same came for a witness, to bear witness of the Light, that all men through him might believe.
He was not that Light, but was sent to bear witness of that Light.
That was the true Light, which lighteth every man that cometh into the world.
He was in the world, and the world was made by him, and the world knew him not.
He came unto his own, and his own received him not.
But as many as received him, to them gave he power to become the sons of God, even to them that believe on his name:
Which were born, not of blood, nor of the will of the flesh, nor of the will of man, but of God.
And the Word was made flesh, and dwelt among us, (and we beheld his glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father,) full of grace and truth.

2009-07-21T15:04:00.002+08:00

Sentuh hatiku

Betapa kumencintai
How I love
Segala yang t'lah terjadi
All that has happened
Tak pernah sendiri jalani hidup ini
I have never been alone in this walk of life
Selalu menyertai
But always protected

Betapa kumenyadari
How I realised
Di dalam hidupku ini
In my life
Kau slalu memberi rancangan terbaik
You have a wonderful plan
Oleh karena kasih
Because of love

REFF (CHORUS):
Bapa, sentuh hatiku, ubah hidupku
Father, touch my heart, change my life
Menjadi yang baru
To be anew
Bagai emas yang murni
Just like pure gold
Kau membentuk bejana hatiku
You have shaped my heart

Bapa, ajarku mengerti sebuah kasih
Father, teach me to understand a kind of love
selalu memberi
That always gives
Bagai air mengalir
Let it be like a flowing stream of water
Yang tiada pernah berhenti
That never ends

love this song alot. yups.

2009-07-18T23:31:00.002+08:00

ROMP! was okay, well, great. haha. yup. at least i feel like i should be gymming more often, like wad i used to, back in yrs 1.2- 2.1.

well, fang was just telling me how good it was to see the 'old' gillian and well, she and mabel didn't really like the 'new' gillian and all.

which sets me thinking, that the so called 'old' and 'new' gillian, which is actually the real me. and i felt that over the last few days, God has been trying to tell me who i really was.

like wad struck me was adrian ong's illustration of the emperor's new new clothes in the christian walk in fri's prayer. like many times we are deceived by satan in believing the things we can do and we can be to the thoughts of other ppl.

sometimes i know that im living in the lies of the devil, but then it's like i'd rather live in those lies cos they hurt so much to know that what i've believed in almost my entire life is nothing but a lie.

come to think of it, sad, but true.

2009-07-16T10:07:00.002+08:00

well, a month plus since i actually updated. not that i didn't type any posts in between this period, but just that they never got to the end before i didn't feel like typing anymore.

somehow, i just feel that blogging's meaningless... like there are so many things that i wanna say, but then i can't say it out cos it will blow things up and ya, it will put my life at stake. so it's really like 哑巴吃黄莲, 有口难言.

after doing so many rounds of questioning and reflecting during the last few days over the last few months, i came to the conclusion that wadever i do and say, most of the time, it just amts to nothing. like the chance to talk is just to save their skin of not giving me a chance to talk, or they just felt that wadever i said was crap.

overall conclusion: just be deaf and dumb, and heap everything to myself.

then the next question comes: have i been trusting God or have i been leaning on my own strength all this while?

like i feel that im a bride (well, the bible says that we are God's bride) who tells her fiance that okay, i trust that You will come, but runs off before anything was done.

in a way, to be more transparent, i really felt that this was it. gillian's so dead and better off dead too. gillian can't see anything anything in front of her even tho of the things God revealed to her concerning her future.

but ya, gillian knows running does not solve the problem too. sigh.

2009-06-09T23:11:00.002+08:00

okay, quick update...

in a way home alone. and im supposed to be slping, im supposed to thank God for alot of things. im supposed to blog about work.

mm. should i update?

just wanna say, iIM LOOKING FORWARD TO CHURCH CAMP. okayys. cos a break from work. and also really to hear from God. and maybe be inspired to be more discliplined.

yup. hope to have brunch with fang on sat and also maybe attend service with her too. =p

okayys. i really need to zzz. bye.

2009-06-06T23:30:00.002+08:00

ups and downs.

learning to hold on to just the necessary things only.

at the end of the day, wad matters the most? money, glamour, friends, family, knowing your purpose, knowing God, fame, comfort zone?

talking to vicky makes me think, what have i been doing all these while... and really in a way encouraging me to move out of my comfort zone.

mm...really, am i satisfied with where i am today? am i satisfied just being whacked up down left right center by my circumstances?

a time for everything. a time to take back what is rightfully mine.

a time to conquer the Pronised Land.

tired, but i will press on.

; 2 months 2 weeks before end of attachment.

2009-06-05T06:22:00.002+08:00

feels like im falling sick. rawr. God, i dun wanna be sick during church camp.

anyway, i felt that i had a breakthrough, or at least i can see it coming. like over the last few days, it was a dramatic ride, gosh, u'll nv believe that that's the gillian u know.

and as wad vicky would have said, 'I know that. heh'.

ya. praise God has given her this gift of knowing things that are happening in ppl's life in her spirit.

yup. felt happy once again to go work. haha. like after all that stuff i've been thru, at least i think that i can embrace the things that God has thrown in my life.

and yes, for the past month or so, vicky has been emphasizing on the word EMBRACE to me, but just that i can't see any light to it.

so happy. haha. it's an emotion i've lost touch for quite awhile.

and i can't wait to see fang again!! yay. =)

2009-06-03T06:13:00.003+08:00

wad to say?

im trying to be nice and be cool about everything, but at the rate im going, im only forsee myself being an emotional wreckage.

like why can't ppl just be nice to one another and stop being so calculative? why can't they just stop all the crap about politics and all.

like cracking lewd jokes to all the male colleagues jut to get you way.. what? it just makes u look like a spinster desperate for a man and just bringing urself down to a whore level.

and making false accusations about all ur employees in front of other ppl and sowing dischord. and calling urself a 'righteous man' and a 'christian'. please stop blaspheming. you just make me wanna puke. like wad the rest said. u really shouldn't be in this line. go be a writer since u like to tell so much stories and also create funny stories to deceive ppl.

yes, vicky has been telling me to EMBRACE. and of course, all the verses comes to my mind. like love the sinner, but hate the sin and all. well, yeah.

point is, i really feel like the sheep who is lead to her shearers. like being stabbed so many times yet i dun have a chance to fend myself, nor do i noe when the knives are coming down.

like every day's a mental anguish for me. even as i type, the silent tears that has been swallowed into me for the last few months just can't help but flow out.

im already trying my best; to be pure and really be the sheep amongst the wolves.

and learning to embrace; it's really a proposition that sounds really crazy but in a way, it's the only way.

argh.

anyway, thanks fang and mabel who posted encouraging stuff on my tagboard, and also jocelyn and daryl, who really know the pain of working there and also well, the ex-colleagues, who really made the 1st 2 months enjoyable.

2009-05-30T20:13:00.002+08:00

Somewhere In The Middle- Casting Crowns

Somewhere between the hot and the cold
Somewhere between the new and the old
Somewhere between who I am and who I used to be
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Somewhere between the wrong and the right
Somewhere between the darkness and the light
Somewhere between who I was and who You're making me
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

chorus//
Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle
Are we caught in the middle

Somewhere between my heart and my hands
Somewhere between my faith and my plans
Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves

Somewhere between a whisper and a roar
Somewhere between the altar and the door
Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more
Somewhere in the middle You'll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Lord, I feel You in this place and I know You're by my side
Loving me even on these nights when I'm caught in the middle

i dun wanna be somewhere the middle anymore; i dun want to have deep water faith yet standing in the shallow end or a choing-ing soldier behind a barbed fence.

it sounds ridiculous; and it is ridiculous.

2009-05-30T00:57:00.002+08:00

im trying to pull myself together, relax and breathe.

will miss xu meng and hiang teck alot... like they made my life more bearable after lay hun and derrick left together... and now they are leaving together too. oh wells.

sigh. okayys. on the brighter side, i finished 3 months in attachment (hallelujah!). really cannot wait for it to end actually.

but i know and i know and i know that God is using this period of time to break me. like out of my little world to reality. and thank God for Justin who just encouraged me to work hard and that the Lord sees.

and that when i walk this period of time with Him, i will walk out stronger and anew.

5 loaves and 2 fishes. what will i put in my basket?

2009-05-29T00:39:00.002+08:00

i really cannot make head or tail about all these things.

like being in HLM, being here on attachment, going thru what im going thru, going thru this period of refining.

maybe i have been lukewarm. maybe too long, have my heart lost its passion.

i can't seem to understand the spiritual implications anymore. i don't want to be in that place. yuck.

in a sense, i just feel very sian. sian of the things God has promised me. i noe i was very excited about them, and i noe that somewhere in my heart, i would definitely say, yeah man, God, let's do it together! like whoohoo! i simply cannot wait for You to bring me into the Promised Land.

God, search my heart. let the revelation that somewhere in my heart that there is nothing that would be able to seperate me from You change me from the inside out. let there be a spark that would never cease to burn; cause that spark to burst its surroundings into flames.

because i want more of You. because im not satisfied living in yesterday's hour, im not satisfied having the form and not the power Lord.

God, don't let me be disillusioned by the things of the flesh and of the world.

2009-05-25T10:46:00.003+08:00

a kaleidoscope of things that has been happening, yet being unable to see the severity of them.

just on sunday, i heard/ saw of 4 funerals that are going on. and one of them happened to be my direct neighbour who had been staying beside me all my life. and my sister asked if i was sad about it, i didn't feel anything at all. like emotion-less. just like the way when my grandfather passed away when i was sec 2, i simply didn't feel that i was sad and morning over it.

i should say that my reaction should be scary. like hello?! people are dying. and without knowing Christ at the same time.

how could i say that i have a passion for people when the people in my immediate circle are dying, and im like, 若无其事, pretending that there's nothing wrong when something's really wrong?

2009-05-21T22:44:00.004+08:00

to the things that i cannot see and trying to run away from.

excuses after excuses that im too tired to think. i really dun understand what's happening to the ppl that i care in my world and i feel that everything's going so fast.

argh. i need to learn to think when im tired.

anyway, really need to thank God for the people who came to help me. ya, for fang, jocelyn, daryl, mr lim, xue ming, daniel ng. =)

argh. i really hate that thing. sheesh.

there must be more than this...

2009-05-17T01:22:00.003+08:00

tired from work over the last few days. but thank God that daryl, daniel ng and jocelyn so graciously came forward to help me move the stuff. so i guess i would have never been able to do that without them. and i would have been 10 times more chui had i done it alone (which i think that by then i wouldn't be here typing this blog post).

how can i keep from singing Your praise? how could i ever say enough, how amazing is Your love?

thank God also for victoria, whom, as usual, know something's wrong even sometimes before i myself know it and bothered to ask me abt it and someone whom can really give good feedback too. =D which really is a blessing for me, cos i know and i know that she is really someone whom i can really share things if both of us have the time and actually sit down to talk/ msn abt it and also to learn from the things that i did was wrong.

A choice is set before you now
living or dying, blessing or cursing
You know, the time has come around
to turn from your fighting
and rest in his mercy

chorus
Choose life, that you might live
the life that He gives
He gives you forever
Choose life, the way that it's true
from the one who chose you
your father in Heaven
Choose life

Trust the Lord with all your heart
all of your soul and all of your being
Hold on, listen and obey
surrender your life into His keeping

chorus

And the weight you're under
will be lifted away
And the world will wonder
what happened here today
then you'll stand right here and say

chorus

the song that is in my head/humming list whenever i reflect upon the things that are going thru in my life. and it's really meaningful, cos life is really like a set of choices and a step wrong, it could cause you to be able to do wad you were born to be.

fri's prayer meet had caused me to see the power of Jabez's prayer, the man who was called Pain, to not resign to fate. that he would no longer be called Pain, but as he prayed, he asked that 'Oh that thou wouldest bless me indeed, and enlarge my coast, and that thine hand might be with me, and that thou wouldest keep me from evil, that it may not grieve me!' And God granted him that which he requested.

that God, no longer will my name be called Pain, but as u lead me out of my fate into the glorious destiny of Yours, that God, You would bless me, not for my comfort's sake, but God, to do Your will dear Lord. ...

2009-05-12T13:29:00.002+08:00

feeling really very very very vexed.

like im just caught in spots where i really dun want to lose my anger so that ppl could just stop all their nonsense and rar-rar and just listen to me.

i just feel that im not heard. i feel that my patience is wearing thin. like anymore nonsense is going to make me blow up soon.

but out of this, i believe that God is really helping me to expand my patience. but in a way, i really hate the way that some ppl are testing my limits. like i dun in that way and i really dun think i want to conform to that.

im trying to bring the temper down so ya.

2009-05-07T16:05:00.002+08:00

recovering from sinusitis and tonsilitis. =p

well thank God it wasn't as bad as the previous episodes as in in the sense that when i take them apart, it wasn't as bad as the isolated cases the last time i had it.

like my appetite's back. yay. and i still want more potato salad (but i had more carrots than potatoes, so by rght it's called carrot salad).

yups. and if u didn't realise, im acting bz again. =p

will update again. cos i lost the mood to blog already due to the fact that i forgot what i wanted to type.

2009-04-29T14:50:00.002+08:00

this week's really busy!!! haha. no more 'actng busy'...

been researching on human nutrition and also upon veganism (dun worry, im not turning into one yet...) cos my boss wanna do a sustainable garden so that he'll nv have to buy vegetables from the market again. haha.

so ya... and im sick again... argh. amid the swine flu, im down with flu... sheesh. so doctor gave me 2 days' mc... and thus i have a long weekend again. sigh. cos i can't get out of the house cos of the scare abt swine flu.

so i can't go get my gardening supplies. =/

2009-04-27T12:04:00.003+08:00

acting 'busy' again...

anyway... last week was a super emo week... like God wanna break me but i was just simply not ready. (like i am right now.. haha)

yup. im better now... not so emo le.. =)

anyway... im learning piano from jennifer and guitar from jocelyn. =) really a dream coming true sia... cos i really always wanted to learn piano since young so ya. yay! and my guitar has been laying to waste for years at home and ya..time to learn and use it.

im so glad it's a short week this week cos of labour day and i really cannot wait for my lessons to start. whee.

and God noes i love to talk. =p and i really cannot live without talking much and so i thank God for ppl in my life whom i can talk to if not i will really die. *makes me wonder how on earth i survived in my primary sch days sia, being an anti social kid

and daryl gave me a bottle of sweets from aussie! it's good stuff, i noe, but i dun eat sweets lei (cos it's too addictive for me). so ya... sigh. shall bless the ppl who are dozing off during sermons and maybe whoever wants la..

2009-04-23T17:23:00.003+08:00

dear people,

it's been a long time since i've last updated. and sometimes it's really hard, really really hard to say/ type the things that's within me.

like okays, God's hand is at work to break and mold the parts that has ben bound by inner vows and hurts. and right now, im feeling really quite crappy.

like im in that place that i can't share everything to everyone not because im afraid to be exposed, but because it will be a stumbling block to the ppl around me. i dun know if u understand, but i feel really very terrible.

like everyday, i feel like im on the verge of crying, i wanna cry out, but i can't.

haha, now playing on my media player's we are not as strong as we think we are.

how true. we always think we are very strong, and think we can be very strong, but really, that's really all a facade.

we put on strong and brave fronts, but yet when everything falls, and then we realise that we are really weak. we think thru all these we can be made even stronger, but no! God says when u cannot do it, depend on Me and Me alone. then there's no choice but to crawl out of the broken facade. it's painful, but as u depend on God for His strength, u'll think why am i so dumb to have not leaned upon God so long ago?

haha, it's a paradox. sheesh. and im at that place. crap.

forget it. i wanted to add in more things, but i guess, no one is able to get it. argh!

2009-04-17T10:38:00.002+08:00

just felt for a quick update...

the week has been quite a crappy one.. esp like im struggling with some internal issues with myself... and yup. i've been losing my temper this week, and everything is all internal, but can quite obviously see that im not exactly gillian this week even tho for the past some time im not really myself either... rawr.

and i really hate the garden.

2009-04-13T22:20:00.002+08:00

alright... back again... cos fang has been wondering y i haven't been updating...

hmmm... i also dunno wad to type actually... other than im gonna miss mabel and henry when they are not ard in office...

ya...

thus saith the Lord.

okay... that above line was random. argh...

oh... been buying loads of stuff!!! omgoodness.... im broke soon. someone, pls stop me from spending!!!

2009-03-31T10:42:00.002+08:00

hmmm... to all u have been coming, this blog has been dead.. haha.. ya...

anyway, some things to thank God for:

- church camp. Im able to go! yay.
- for my walk with God. thank God that He's still the ultimate Boss in my life.
- mabel working with me in my company even tho she'sleaving soon cos sch starting soon le.
- for the upcoming good friday and easter! thank God that Jesus died on the cross for us.
- for the things that He has been working in my life and things He has shown to me (i can't and will not share mostly becos it's not time and God says cannot share to the ppl uninvolved.)

so ya... internet's been down at home and so cannot go online at night.... thinking that God wants me to spend more time with Him just as vicky's spendng the night time with Him (if u didn't know, my night time being online is mainly to chat with vicky) yup. shall go wait upon the Lord and hear His voice when i go home this week.

2009-03-26T00:09:00.002+08:00

i noe i haven't been blogging.... well guess im tired.

im tired physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually... even tho i didn't do much. okay, other then the fact that i've been sleeping late cos i was msn-ing vicky...

i could feel myself sliding away... im just blearghx after the day and all i ever wanted to do is to sleep, rest, dun think about anything. but im burdened. im tired of being in the place i am now. im tired of not being able to rest in God, as much as i want to, im tired of being a support to my mom at times, im tired of being unable to connect to God and ppl in a way i want to.

im tired of having the form but not the power. im not satisfied, but then i feel so tired to do anything. i can't say that i haven't received anything from God during services; in fact, God has been speaking to me...but i just simply cannot concentrate to hear. distracted? ya, u bet.

sigh.... i dunno la.

2009-03-14T05:06:00.001+08:00

2009-03-14T01:02:00.003+08:00

BROKEN INTO BEAUTIFUL
By Gwen Smith / Sue Smith / Chad Cates

She's smiling on the outside
But she's hurting on the inside
It's getting hard just living anymore
And the shadows she has clung to
Painful things that she has been through
Have left her feeling worthless, Lord... but

chorus//
You change worthless into precious
Guilty to forgiven
Hungry into satisfied
Empty into full
All the lies are shattered
And we believe we matter
When You change broken into beautiful

We live with accusations
Sometimes heavy expectations
That tell us we can never measure up
And yet You repeat with mercy
That in your eyes we are worthy
At last we see how much we're loved cause

Chorus

Though we can't see how we can stand before you Lord
And feel valued, priceless and adored

delicated to anyone who's feeling totally like what's in the song (i linked the youtube video some time back)... to feel totally broken and weary by the things in life.

a beutiful song that vicky sent me some time back (plus the lyrics too) and yup... it's a song that i would not fail to put it in my playlist not because she sent it to me.. but cos i really loved the lyrics.

2009-03-10T12:33:00.003+08:00

Dear God,

thank You for the things that You have done in my life. =) really, i could nv understand all the things that u want me to do.

and of course for dear vicky, jocelyn, fang and mabel. the bffs =) without them, my life would nv be the same. and not forgetting jasmine, sandra and serene lim too during my sec sch/ 1st yr of poly.

felt that i should never forget the ppl that You have placed in my life to impact me. =) thank You God.

add onns//
yup. thought i wanted to appreciate each and every one of the ppl above mentioned.. but im too tired now. blearghx.

2009-03-07T23:10:00.003+08:00

alright... *dusts off the dust accumulated in here* back...

haha. been a bz week... like attachment and meeting friends...

stayover at vicky's on sun was great... helped her with propagation of her cacti and repotting... that we already spent 2 hrs alone.. then she was trying to squeeze meeting with all her friends during her STUDY BREAK (like really very pei fu her cos she still can meet ppl when she's struggling to understand her lectures and no one can help her to understand them also) and she still didn't manage to meet all the ppl she wanted to meet.. (she's really a bz gal man) and then telling me how i should be focused on God esp during devotions (haha. i admit that im quite distracted) and also her design for her toilet in her new house (cool la... but too contemporary for me le) and also a webbie with alot of CHEAP christian books (but by then i was already zonking off already) man. (rights. i should start to read my own collection first before buying any more.)

ya, and i suppose ash (her fave cat) didn't like me. haha. but her dog (the one everyone hates apparently) was abit better with me. haha.

ok. i noe what everyone has been popping in to check was about attachment and not my stayover. haha. lol. am i keeping you in suspense? like... 'why is gillian still not blogging about attachment but now talking crap? and still got the time to type all these things?!'

haha. im abit kiam pa already.... lol.

ok... attachment was really fun.. and the company's really small... ok.. we have about 14 staff altogether... 3 gardeners (2 in- house)... 1 landscape supervisor (brandon), 1 idk his position (hiang teck), 1 landscape architect (tuson), 1 PR/ advert? (more or less) (ML), 1 manager (derrick), secretay (lay hun), boss (mr tan), 2 attachment students (henry and me) and 2 tem- full timers (gabriel and xu men)

so ya. and out of the 14, 78.6% are christians! not by coincidence, i believe... but then again... i dunno how dr koh choose also.... haha...

yup... and mr tan loves to teach us (at least me la) from the bible how to be good ppl in society and how we should be useful when we go to him to ask him questions about our work that takes 1-2 mins (so like everyday have a short sermon from him). =) well... he's a really nice boss... and then again... he's 73! and he really has the love and passion to want to see the ppl around him being impacted by him. haha. he's a grandfather to me.

some background knowledge: mr tan's the FIRST ASIAN and SINGAPOREAN to become IFLA's (international federation of landscape architects) PRESIDENT. and he was also the FIRST landscape architect in singapore 30/40 yrs ago. cool right?!

yeah, and he's one passionate guy in bringing about the best education he can give to whoever comes to him to learn more about landscaping and also about the climatic changes.

yeap. and im glad that fang's coming round on mon to chat with mr tan to see if she could pt time there during her hols. =)

and yup. i also realised that tuson's the cousin of peter wang! whoot! like i heard that his family quite passionate about plants one... but i never expected to be working with his cousin la... talalalala...

and the best part is also that travelling time is SO MUCH faster than going to NGEE ANN!!! like i take about 30 mins bus ride to petir via 966 which goes on the highway then i take another like 10 min stroll cum worship session to walk to office and i still have time to make myself breakfast (a cuppa of milo) and then have a short devotion session there if i take the 7:30 bus.

ya man. i love work!!! (tho i dunno how to use the com there cos im really retarded without my laptop so i bring my lappie to work even tho they have turbo CAD, CAD 2009 and photoshop CS 4 (!!) but MS word 97 and i dun do design cos henry's doing all the design and im doing all the research work)

and boy! henry could really do design la... sigh.. i see his work then i actually feel quite bad about my work. ='( and his handwriting's really whoot! perfect architect's handwriting also. sigh... like none of us in HLM, as far as i saw, has that perfect architect's handwriting. ya... as u can guess by now, im in love with his handwriting (not him cos he's already taken. haha.)

and i only have another 6 weeks to enjoy his handwriting and his work cos he only has 7 weeks of attachment.

yup yup... anyway... more stories if u see me la... =)

2009-02-27T00:10:00.003+08:00

gillian feels that she's getting a nervous breakdown soon, even tho exams are over and they are like the last things on her mind right now.

ya sure, even tho i think i've done quite badly for my papers, but attachment's really killing me...

okayys, went to the place, talked to all of my superiors already and the big boss too, and they are all very nice ppl (both i and fang think so), and the working environment's great cos it's all green and relaxing but somehow i just can't get past the stress im mounting on myself

i know it's really because i have been dependant on my own strength. and not being able to trust God that this is indeed where He wants me to be.

argh. ye of little faith.

man. i totally feel so terrible. it's worse than going to the dentist when i was much younger (ok, i loved gg there, cos can get stickers and clean teeth :p)

im currently in a state of shock and i think i can cry any moment right now. really.

i think the thought of leaving fang, mabel and the lecturers, HLM, NP, really scares me ALOT.

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. -1Tim 1:7

gillian, take in a deep breath and everything's gonna be ok.

2009-02-24T19:38:00.002+08:00

well, still thank God that i managed to get sth into my head for PNM, tho i dun think i'll do quite well. =\ (and it wasn't because i left after 1 hr.. cos i think i'll still write the same things even after the full 2 hrs..)

yups. left abori now! yay. =)

2009-02-23T17:27:00.006+08:00

well. at least genetics paper's over. phew. not as bad as i thought, but still quite bad. like all the things i studied on fri with mabel all came out la!!! and i didn't really commit to memory tho. =p well, still thank God that i know that i know He gave me that wisdom to do the paper. (ya... this sentance is not a typo) and i was really was distracted by someone's constant fipping of pages and non-stop writing that made me super conscious of myself.

one down, 2 to go. supposed to be studying for my PNM paper.. but im like... whopper relaxed now, can? darn.

yup. im still in love with the song that vicky sent me like this morning, but i really cannot figure out the lyrics cos my stupid phone's speakers spoilt so i can only hear the song with one side of my ear. but i shall either wait to save for a ipod and a sumsung omnia HD or a iphone. so ya.

anyway, that's the video. =) *loves* can no need to watch the video actually. listen can le cos i think the video's funny. =p
can't find free lyrics for this... hmmm.. go figure it out urself. =)

add onns//

time check: 2:43am. 11hrs and 47mins to go before PNM paper. and im still struggling to study for it.

like nth much about it is in my brains now. gahh. and anyway, i have to stay awake so that i can shut down my com later when the sharing folder syncs finish with vicky's.

okay. i must learn to survive this week. and before i do that, i must get sth for my gastric... think cos im either lacking zzz or im too stressed already.

2009-02-23T02:23:00.003+08:00

i think i finally understood what all that means. like all the visions over the past 8 months have all been linked together at evening service's altar call. yup, which also means that i must learn to embrace some things i've yet to really like... like kids/ children. hehe.

it's gonna be tough, but i guess, i will learn to not be dependant on my own strength but on God cos my life will be meaningless and purposeless without God.

my life's not my own anyway, cos He has redeemed it back for us.

In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct thy path. Trust therefore, in the Lord.

and really very glad for the song that vicky send me. (i seem to be mentionng her in everything im doing now. heh.) but anyway, that song's really good. cos it also sort of speaks what im gg thru right now at the moment. will find the lyrics/ video after my exams. oh. it's called broken into beautiful by Gwen Smith. go find it if u have the time.

6.5 hrs before genetics paper and im still blogging.

2009-02-21T23:10:00.002+08:00

whee!! adrian and pauline's wedding was like so cool la... (even tho i overheard drips and drapes from hong ling..)

like they composed a song and a mtv for their wedding and all the funny things that friends of theirs did in a video delicating to them.. it was really quite funny. whee. but i dun think my wedding will be as happening as theirs. =p but it's okays. haha.

yup. studying today was alright, just that i was distracted by e-on's name while i was studying cos some ppl were talking abt how good he was and etc. well, i guess it really doesn't matter and i also dun want to be bothered by it also.

anyway, i realised that i forgot to thank God for yest!! thank Him that he gave me wisdom to study for PBG... ya man.

like i could get the points while reading the notes/ studying with mabel yest and i felt so enlightened man. wheet. i never felt so good studying pbg. haha. but alot of things i haven't memorised... so wait till i memorised all that stuff i think i can get an A! haha. that is, when i memorised all that stuff in there.

if i can get b+ for biochem and a GPA of 2.1 even failing 2 mods, i think i can do it now too, with God's grace. not that i want to be on par with the better ones like hong yi or even edward and show off that i could do it, even with 2 extra mods than everyone else, but i really want to show the world that it is not i who can do it, but it's really that with God, all things are possible and i want to dream exelling for Him.

okayys, before i can excel for God, i need to revise and study and do LTS hw too. byes!

2009-02-20T01:42:00.003+08:00

tough week. that's all i can say.

it's really very crazy... and i get so frustrated reading rama's notes till the point i feel like giving it up. which is quite out of the question. and so, with my limited brains for PBG and God's help, im gonna try it tml. this time with mabel too.

it's really not the question of me not liking the module, but it's really more of the not being able to connect the terms to the diagrams (because i dun understand the terms and the explainations dun really help) and all the diagrams that she taught and wad was inside her notes also dun really make sense either. so, i think im on ground zero. and i think the uni ppl (like j heng, zhili and june) or bear can't help much since they are so bz (bear's in army now. oh boy) and my paper's on mon. so i think im worse off than what was before.

and then there's PNM. PNM's ok, other than the fact that it's entirely memory work and it's on tues (PBG's on mon). so ya. so i have to clear my brains out of PBG before i can start on PNM.

and then arbori. which i think which might be my best mod this sem... cos i have abit more time to study and so far i think i can understand it.

gosh. i wish this nightmare would be over soon.

2009-02-17T01:46:00.002+08:00

i noe i have beeen typing half written posts and then just leaving them as drafts... better hope that this doesn't end up as draft...

too many things and days has gone by in a twinkling of the eye and im fast approaching attachment. (countdown: 13 days! goodness. less than half a mth!!)

projects come and go and im already at the last round of LD II presentation. then comes our real study break. then exams come and go and then im on my way to attachment life. which i have to forgo my hols and ngee ann when the new sem comes. (which means... i'll say bye to fang, mabel, jian min, yi lin, hui lin, tze xin [my LD project mates cum not too bad friends], other hlm-ers + lecturers, crusaders [not likely, since im around the area, but i'll def miss the graduating ppl!] and i dunno hu else at the moment.

like im already whinning so much abt attachment and nth else sia... sigh.

dunno la. just feel like i wanna pause all this and take a breather. but then it's thru these times that i'll grow and be expanded in capacity.

2009-02-11T01:40:00.002+08:00

CRUNCH TIME.

with all about LD II, PBG, PNM and arboriculture still swirling in my head, and not to forget attachment too.

but i know that without God, i would have died already, noe-ing what a worry wart i am, and also like i would have given up, not wanting to do anything anymore.

=p

yups. anyway, went out with fang yest to shop for mabel's pressie and also to spend time catching up also, esp cos like our days together in school as classmates are so limited... and only 15 more days before we move on to 3rd yrs and 17 more days before i start attachment.

alrighty, gtg print out my stuff for presentation later. rawr.

2009-02-04T17:15:00.002+08:00

blog's been have alive now... cos of my complains and what not sia.

haha. yup. right now softscape's like 90 percent done. and so im left with LD II. yups. and i need to do my reports. blearghx.

and then study for my papers and revise my yr 1 and 2 stuff before my attachment. actually, things are quite simple one... dunno y i think until so complicated sia.

yup. im quite washed out actually. sigh. yups. but i noe that God has been good to me. always a last min chiong-er. lol. but it's something not pleasing unto God la.

2009-02-03T23:26:00.005+08:00

okayys. got my attachment placement. (i kind of totally forgot about it until this morning because i lost track of the dates) lalalalala.

~~quite~~ really happy with where i am placed, even tho it's really not where i wanted initially, but right now im thinking that it's even better than where i had wanted. =D

see! God always have a better plan for me than i do for myself. like my working time are from mon to fri, 8:30am- 6:30pm (NO WEEKENDS!! whoot! i still can go for all my services.) and it's SUPER near vicky's place (now she can't complain that i dun have time to meet her, cos now we can meet for lunch or i can slp over at her place; it's only 5 mins away from her hse la!!!) and also mom can still send me to work! yay! =) haha. spoilt kid.

and i can get to do landscape design, landscape implementation and environmental research, horticulture standards and safety. whoot! all in one.

but then again, im so afraid that it just sounds nice on paper. *shudders*

add onns//

was reading joshua harris' boy meet girl and i found that it serves e-on and me no good if i keep on holding on. and so, i figured out that it would be better to let God be God lors. =p and i shall do my part as a good girl to serve Him, until He says move on.

2009-02-03T03:13:00.002+08:00

i really feel like im on the verge of giving up.

like 'go on, be a coward and run away. go on pretending that nothing is wrong when everything's se-ri-ous-ly wrong.'

rawr. i noe im not made of steel and im not, but sometimes it's just so easy to not bother about everything and anything and just bottle everything up within you.

2009-02-02T17:53:00.003+08:00

In Christ Alone
In Christ alone will I glory
Though I could pride myself in battles won
For I've been blessed beyond measure
And by His strength alone I overcome
Oh, I could stop and count successes
Like diamonds in my hand
But those trophies could not equal
To the grace by which I stand

In Christ alone I place my trust
And find my glory in the power of the cross
In every victory let it be said of me
My source of strength, my source of hope
Is Christ alone

In Christ alone will I glory
For only by His grace I am redeemed
Only His tender mercy
Could reach beyond my weakness to my need
Now I seek no greater honor
Than just to know Him more
And to count my things but losses
To the glory of the Lord

In Your Presence
In Your presence
That’s where I am strong
In Your presence
O Lord my God
In Your presence
That’s where I belong
Seeking Your face
Touching Your grace
In the cleft of the Rock
In Your presence O God

I want to go
Where the rivers
Cannot overflow me
Where my feet are
On the rock
I want to hide
Where the blazing
Fire cannot burn me
In Your presence O God

I want to hide
Where the flood of
Evil cannot reach me
Where I’m covered by the blood
I want to be where
The schemes of darkness
Cannot touch me
In Your presence O God

You are my firm foundation
I trust in You all day
am Your child
And Your servant
And You are my
Strength and my song
You’re my song
Seeking Your face
Touching Your grace
In the cleft of the Rock
In Your presence O God
In Your presence

The songs that really touched me during altar call. somehow God was preparing me yesterday at the altar during morning and evening service before that confrontation happened.

yes, im still reeling from it- who says the Christian is made of steel? but i thank God that i was still can be considered as calm and composed as compared to my usual reaction.

only because You said that it wasn't my fault that i was hurt. You said that in Your presence that I am strong and by Your stripes, i am healed- only if i really trust and put my faith in You. The peace of God that transcends all things will be with me at all times.

i don't know how im gg to survive this- but if i do, it's really by Your grace.

add onns//

gosh. i just remembered that it's CAD and PNM's test tomorrow. argh.

but i dun wanna go home just yet.

2009-02-01T22:39:00.002+08:00

i feel like this blog is getting abandoned by me. like im not blogging or thinking of any blogging substances to type in. haha.

anyway, im just wearied by projects and sch work. deadlines and all. yup. like autoCAD/ softscape, LD II are major projects in each of the yr 2 semester, but im taking both tgt in a semester. yup. so i guess im like hurhur. and the best thing is that i havent handed in any f my arbori pract either.

then right now im also serving in crusade and also in cell as a birthday coordinator and unofficially in poly zone (ad-hog) not much i would say, but wish i can do more, but then im like whoo-hoo!! due to quite bad time mgt.

so i think im like half dead.

and the best thing is that before long (2 weeks), i'll be having my study break, exams and then ATTACHMENT!!! (the word 'attachment' doesn't sound really right...does it?)

argh. time passes super fast can?!

okays. i should stop procrastinating (it's a huge, long and bad word to use)

2009-01-25T01:47:00.003+08:00

i wonder how i should deal wih someone who always lie about things to you. and the thing is that that person whom you really wish to hate and murder is ur dad.

'honour ur father and ur mother' . rawr. actually i dun really care if i will live long on this earth by honouring them. but that's not the point.

point is, even if u are someone's parent, u should not be stealing (dfn of stealing: taking one's things without permission) ur kid's things then lie about it and then getting other ppl (who happens to be ur mum) to lie with u and then making the kid look like some lunatic kicking up a fuss and throwing tandrums in front of everyone (who happens to be the kid's sister and cousin)

what kind of values are u showing?!

even if u are the parent, it doesn't give u the right and authority to do that. if u can do that to ur kid, u can do that to anyone else and i tell you, the kid is damn pissed and will seriously hate u forever and dun start wondering why the kid doesn't respect u because u didn't respect them in the first place.

2009-01-20T21:16:00.002+08:00

gillian is still struggling on doing homework... sigh.

okayys, yeah, i noe it's not good to harp upon that, like consistancy is something that im always struggling with.

anyways, gillian is so sad that she most prob (like 95%) will not be able to go for church camp in june. but at least im glad that i don't get to miss christmas and chinese new year. =D

so yup. if i can go for church camp, it would be really God's work. =)

yep. and gillian cannot always think of e-on. zzz.

2009-01-15T22:54:00.002+08:00

sigh. it's a bz week and im tired.

all flu-ey and also bogged down wit projects. argh. and the thing is that i cannot understand why some ppl like dear mr justin i-forgot-wad's-his-sirname always come ka chiao me one lors.

okays. actually need too start doing work already, but here to take a breather.

2009-01-12T12:36:00.002+08:00

okays. just a quick update, since i've got quite alot of things to do.

sat: can! run and yeah, i can't believe that i ran. zzz. and we played polar bear after that as a poly zone, quite funny and then went over to xueming's place for his 21st bd party. wheee! his place's super cool cos it's like those ancestral homes with the main hall hung with his ancestors potraits, dining hall and kitchen and there's like 3 families staying tgt too.

yest: came down with high fever (think i overworked myself+ also was like already feeling sick too) so left after lunch to rest.

and today, still resting.. lol

2009-01-07T23:58:00.002+08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LC_lld_vUCY

can't seem to embed this, but anyway, it's a video that vicky sent me and it's called His strength is perfect. which is very appropriate for me in a sense that it once again reminded me that we are made perfect in Him even though we may be weak and i don't have to go about in my own strength.

yup. and actually wanted to blog about other stuff also, but then i also dun really feel like blogging abt them too.

2009-01-06T19:17:00.004+08:00

我怎么能没有你？ How could I live without You?
失去你的爱， How would I survive,
我怎么活？ Without Your love,
我怎么过？ Without Your touch？
唯有你医治我 You're the One that heals me
洁净我心 And cleanses my heart
你解放我 And sets me free

主我来到你面前 Now I come right before You
双手高举敬拜 With my hands lifted up
主我屈膝降伏 With my heart humbly bowed
在你宝贵十架 At Your work on the cross
在你上悬挂 As You hung there and die
为我付出代价 You were paying the price
为我死，为我死 For my life, For my life

你的爱远比天还要高For Your love is higher than the heavens
比海洋更深 Deeper than the seas
主我这一生只要你 And all I want is You in my life
没有人能满足我的心No one else can satisfy my soul
给我这感觉 Can make me feel this way
惟有你主，惟有你主Only You Lord, only You

feels kinda lost. like it's only 6 jan and the 2nd day of school. and i feel so overwhelmed.

add onns//

i feel super hypocrite right now. argh. cos i noe i sometimes i really don't mean what i say or do at the same time.

sigh. okays. and i noe im running away from reality and hardships and i noe what i want, just that i am weary and tired of being the one who made the first move. okays. wrong. is i am unwilling to budge out of my comfort zone and im using the excuse of im falling sick to not want to talk to him and i noe.

God, i really need courage, strength, wisdom, humility and i think most importantly, You. i really do.

2009-01-05T18:02:00.002+08:00

ok. the 888th post. hmmm... wonder what it would be like... haha.

anyway, today was the I&E event/ charity bazaar and feeling abit tired cos i had to go talk to alot of ppl and all. and my knees hurt like crap after standing for at least 7 hours non stop.

glad that people enjoyed themselves (as far as i noe and hope) there like the en community service ppl who had a great time singing/ playing songs/ going round asking for donations and then just talked to them.. and the W.A.D club ppl- bee lian, donovan and annie who were there to promote the 'ba kua' for fundraising and also to recruite ppl for ROMP!! yay.

yup. and the very strange thing was that me and ken wore the same shirt la... so omgoodness. haha. oh wells. speaking of which, i was like zzz when i couldn't find my white shirt yesterday (i felt something was so wrong and i should have tried finding it more carefully when i wore my yellow tee, but couldn't cos i was running late for LTS) and e-on was wearing white la!! nvm.

yup. now quite shag and like i really need to slp. guess im falling sick.

2009-01-04T21:19:00.002+08:00

argh. back to the world of sch again. okays. quite sian, esp when my event is tomorrow. zzz.

anyway, speaking of the new year, i feel quite sian all of a sudden. like i lost interest in the things that is to come. guess cos it's really dying to the flesh. sigh.

some things that i need to do by this week that are not sch related:
- prep. dg
- set my goals and targets for the year
- think how and what to talk to e-on
- think how to start a good conversation with ed (eh, looks like i really dunno how to talk to ppl sia)
- and more to come.

God, i feel that im so not ready.

2009-01-03T19:57:00.002+08:00

deleted the last post cos it didn't make much sense to people anyway. yup. it's like gibberish or simply no link to most ppl, maybe with the exception of one or 2.

okayys. anyway, making sense of the last post is that i noe im supposed to be nicer to e-on (like talk to him like the way i talk to some other brothers in church), but then i've been runnng away from him and God convicted me that i really should treat him better and let things flow naturally and stop running away from the things that is to come.

but i've been giving myself a thousand and one reasons not to do so. like i need to confirm plus chop and gurantee that this is indeed what God wants and etc. and thus gillian need to overcome this HUGE barrier of hers and learn how to talk normally to him.

and like what ps foo said, this year is gonna be a year of INCREASE and hence, great things are gonna happen when i learn how to step out in faith.

yup. =)

2009-01-01T13:08:00.003+08:00

it was 12am.

and all the fireworks were shooting away at a distance. but, for all it's granduer, it meant nothing.

walking away from the crowds and i lifted my head to the heavens, wondering if there could be something else that could usher in into 2009 in my heart.

and there i saw it.

it was dim at first, but as my eyes got accustomed to the darkness, i saw stars! shy as they may, but as i looked intently, they seemed to strip off from their shyness and and out of the clouds, they shone brightly.

never had i seen such beauty for a long long time, even then, this display was more magnificent than anything that i saw before. it was quiet, never wanting to gain attention and yet, it was there.

yes, the jewels of the sky. they were just so pretty and it took away my breath when i remembered these are what God had in mind when He flung them into the universe. They were meant for us.

US! but sadly, we have forgotten all about them. just like nature, we have lost sight of the beauty that God created just for us. He could have created adam and eve before He created everything else so that they could remember that it was God who created everything, but no! He created adam and eve last so that they could enjoy this world just as it is- to live in the comfort and beauty of eden.

and alas, that beauty was short lived- i had to go home. but there and then, i caught a glimsp of His glory and peace within that array of beauty.

2008-12-29T08:53:00.002+08:00

yesterday at the altar, something beautiful happened. He told me that i was beautiful and i didn't have to take all my sorrows and all my hurts to 2009. That He would carry all of it- my unforgiveness, my shamfulness, my strivings, my desires, my hurts, my depression- anything that will prevent me from being who i really am. He would be my Lover and my Comforter. That i didn't have to strive for anything anymore because He sees me for who i am, my inner beauty that i have been hiding for so long, for fear that i would be hurt again.

that personal touch, that longing to be loved, that longing to be regconised- were met by Him there and then at the altar.

i never believed that i was so loved. i never believed that i could actually meet God that close. to hear Him beckoning me into His presence and say that He will wash away everything- and to actually do it for me.

He never said being a woman was easy. nor after being a christian, we wouldn't be hurting anymore. it's only when we surrender our hurts to Him that it becomes more bearable.

Come unto me, all ye who are heavy laden and weary, and I will give you rest.

2008-12-28T01:52:00.004+08:00

started reading this book called Captivating- unveiling a woman's soul by john and stasi eldredge
well, i made a joke out of it cos jocelyn asked me out and i told her that i wanna stay home and read Captivating cos it captivated my heart to read it. LOL.

yup. it's really a good book. will recommend it to all who are female (guys: can read also, there's some parts for guys too. and it will give u a clearer glimsp of a woman's heart than what u really think- guy version of this book is called wild at heart) cos it's really something that is quite thought- provoking(?)

like altho it's a christian book, but i really highly recommend everyone (be it u are a christian or non- christian) to read it. not because it talks about God, but it talks about the state of ur soul, the hurts that has caught ur heart to be locked and so in the middle of nowhere. like there is so much more being a female than what we experience and think.

Fight of faith
Here i am
At your feet
Crying out to you
Draw me near
Hold me close
Lord i wait on you
For you're my greatest love
You're my comforter and strength
You're the first
You're the last
You're my guiding light

I will run
I will soar
On eagle's wings
As I wait
On You Lord
My strength is restored
Fix my eye on you Jesus
As i run this race
Help me fight this fight of faith

2008-12-27T02:53:00.002+08:00

sometimes i just hate blogging, cos like it always seemed that no one cares at all.

how many times have i felt that my life was so screwed up this week? i have lost count and i dun even wanna think.

it doesn't matter how much God has been trying to get in touch with me- that sense of failure, worthlessness and hurt has never left me.

i know that unless i have been truly been touched by God, i can never recover. just like a tree, if the wound wood is not produced, pathogen attack is always at hand because the chemical barriers are not strong enough to resist such attacks in the long run.

when a tree is first wounded, it produces chemicals to clog up the growing areas, vascular bundles and then the parenchyma cells respectively in response to the injury. these are the 1st 3 zones of defence which is not very effective if the tree is not healthy or various pathogens attack together at the same time. however, the real deterrent towards an attack is only the physical barrier, which protects the core from being in touch with the pathogens.

when we are wounded by ppl, our 1st response would be numb ourselves/ be in a state of shock, then we wouldn't think about anything in relation to the wound and then go into a state of denial/stay away from the person or event/ hope that time would heal the wound.

but if there is no proper closure, the injury would open up when a similar event happens and then we'll feel worse each time it happens.

and that's what's happening right now.

2008-12-26T12:21:00.004+08:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

well, too many events/ things going on... like writing cards/ wrap presents, CHRISTMAS RALLY, do I&E, project, thanksgiving piece during youth service tomorrow and the MAKAN EVENT tomorrow.

but i still don't feel that christmas-sy. like...oh wells, maybe im getting too sensitive about this whole thing about christmas. sigh.

add onns//

well, went over to ikea to make myself happier and also to get more stuff... only to realise that my deco was all sold out!!! like oh great. but anyway, bought stuff in a attempt to neaten up my things and also to get myself back on track for 2009(?)

sheesh. it's already like 26 dec lors.. =p and in another few more days, i can start counting down to new year, NP open house, CNY... all the hols and i can start counting to being 20 too. haha.

and i went to eat smelly beancurd for dinner!! whee!! had a craving for it quite some time back... haha. quite ironic cos i wanted to eat hk toast but ended up at a taiwanese restaurant eating smelly bean curd. and the worst thing was tat my hair reeked of it after that!! gosh. my hair can really retain smells. but at least the smelly beancurd was great! =) seems like i almost eat anything that has beancurd/tau-kua. haha... any one else wanna eat with me?

and my mom wanted to bring my grand-aunty there next time. haha. and maybe i can go eat the beancurd again. *whee!*

2008-12-24T00:22:00.002+08:00

yup. gillian spent the day wrapping presents...but then she realised that she does not have the time to write cards!!! argh.

and gillian was so happy to see e-on today!!! haha. even tho her face didn't write anything when she saw him.. but ya. =) haha. im getting better with hiding that 'over-reaction' on my face. haha. (should i wish that he sees this?) and dear jocelyn (just realised that i've been spelling her name wrongly all this while) was like zzz, pls dun talk e-on to me. teeheeheee. im good that buzzing ppl off with that. lalalalala.

yups. saw them in their costumes today and all of them looked so funny!!haha. like noticed zhen yuan, jeremy heng and gareth in those... and i think i really wanna luff there and then... but then the cast were like praying and my objective there was to follow jocelyn and hui ping to pass faith the extra sushi to share the love to the drama team, so i was nice and i didn't luff at them at all, okayys.

yep. lalalalala. and yup. did i say i had a very strange dream? hmmm. but the funny thing was that i told myself to remember the contents in the dream but somehow i totally cannot remember anything abt it, other than the fact that i had a very strange dream. =\

2008-12-22T22:09:00.005+08:00

Take me past the outer courts
Into the holy place
Past the brazen altar
Where I can see You face to face

Pass me by the crowds of people
And the priests who sing Your praise
I hunger and thirst for Your righteousness
but it's only found one place

yup. season of Christmas is just round the corner but still feeling as sian as ever, and ya, im like prorastinating about cards and presents too. (and u realise that im not in the mood for carols either)

this is the first yr that im still bz with sch and everything else and maybe that's why im like totally not in the mood for christmas...

like i dun wanna be in this bleary mood...AT ALL. I wanna enjoy the christmas trees, gift exchanges, and the beautiful decorations that everyone is talking about. (sounds familiar? that's from the skit in the christmas party)

okays, im feeling sara all of a sudden. (the character that i was portraying in the skit)

sigh. countdown: 3; 2 plus days

add onns//

it's just so hard not to think anything else other then *ahem*. i really dun wanna think about xyz and my future, but at the same time, i dun wanna lose my expectancy that God will see my visions thru. well, i don't even noe if that's the right thing to do. feeling just so insecure and faithless about them.

sigh. i feel that im losing my sanity at times.

2008-12-20T23:17:00.003+08:00

tired. plus abit sick...

but glad that the party was great.

haha.

wished e-on was there. but it's all right. shalt not think of him. lalalalalala. cos i dun wanna think of him if it's not vice versa. LOL.

okays. i think im in delirium. zzz. the cold's getting to me.

2008-12-19T12:58:00.002+08:00

gillian realised that her posts are getting skimpier.

well, shall elaborate on RAW, since it was the most recent thing and really, the presence of God was there.

it's really a camp that i have never experienced it before, like to be there on the mountain facing God but yet at the same time, getting s0 distracted by the flesh. it's like receiving, yet you are not. and at the same time, throwing you into trials so that you may learn. and then at the same time, revealing Himself only right at the end of the camp.

well, it's really different from YF camps i guess. like YF camps makes u super on for God, but then there's no depth and u die down soon. but RAW camp, for me, it took me into a deeper level with God and i guess to really count the cost of following Him, even to the ends of the earth and to pour out the oil in my alabaster jar and also my life for Him.

maybe this is the start of my tranformation. to be changed from a broken vessel into a broken but is being repaired vessel. to be shining for Him and really to be that mouthpiece of His to the nations.

2008-12-19T01:26:00.003+08:00

RAW camp was ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC!! whee. so too bad for those who didn't go. =p

okay la. it was fantastic cos God's presence was there all the time. yay! but it was 'bad' in a sense cos the spiritual battles were taking place la.. yup.

im learning to be broken so that i can shine for Him.

2008-12-14T23:32:00.002+08:00

and so RAW camp is just round the corner.... whee!!!

haha. well, gillian haven't even packed yet. *shocks*

yups.

okay la.. shall not procrastinate le.. off to pack my things. tata! cya on thurs/ fri! (u may come visit me @ praisehaven-salvation army (bt timah) there. )

2008-12-12T13:34:00.002+08:00

glad that those days of papers are over. so happy!!

well, nothing much to post for now and shall be off to meet vicky

add onns//

gillian needs to sort out her thoughts. like there are alot of rubble that needs to be cleared and she needs directions.

2008-12-10T12:24:00.006+08:00

well, progress of studying is still slow but i guess, it's okay ba.

kinda distracted right now, like jasmine's coming back from chiangmai (finally!!!) and by some other random things like drumming and him. haha.

fingers itching for the drum sticks to play (well, still lousy but hey! practice makes perfect!) so ya.

might be joining gareth and nigel on fri to play drums. haha.

and then.... there is RAW CAMP!!! whoot. but actually not very excited right now cos i still have arbori. test later.

I need You more, more than yesterday
I need You more, more than the air I breathe
I need You more, than ever before
I need You Lord, I need You Lord

add onns//

okayys. arbori. test was quite alright, and was quite glad of my LD presentation marks... 23.5/ 30.. not that fantastic.. cos like wad dhanen said, could have done better. sigh...but it's okays. =)

oh ya! gillian also realised that she cannot use ball point pen...cos her handwritting got even worse than using her fountain pen. haha. =p oops. sorry mr saiful!

yup. felt pretty faint at the bus stop while waiting for 154, maybe cos i haven't been slping well and didn't really eat i guess. but at least i didn't pengsan there. haha.

and so gillian cooked her mushroom toufu soup! whee... and saw sean and yusri on the way home. haha. =)

yup. but the soup taste weird... maybe didn't control the fire well enough. =p

anyway, gillian shall not talk about him like anytime soon. it's really really bad. like im getting soooooo distracted by him. sigh.

2008-12-09T12:20:00.004+08:00

somehow this song got about playing in my head this morning.. ya. =p

Take me past the outer courts
Into the holy place
Past the brazen altar
Lord I want to see Your face

Pass me by the crowds of people
And the priests who sing Your praise
I hunger and thirst for Your righteousness
But it's only found in one place

Take me into the holy of holies
Take me in by the blood of the lamb
Take me into the holy of holies
Take the coal, touch my lips, here I am

and ya. supposed to be good and start studying, but i realised i forgot to bring out my notes. haha. oh wells. study from the com then.

add onns//

after 2 hours plus, all i can say is that i finished only lecture one. when i think i could have finished like 2 or maybe 3 lectures. argh. progress is really very slow. darn. and gillian should have brought out a jacket. zzz.

maybe it's cos im fasting taht's why my brain is like not functioning.

2008-12-08T11:17:00.006+08:00

Accquaintence with grief

"A Man of sorrows, and accquainted with grief"- Isaiah 53:3

We are not accquainted with grief in the way our Lord was accquainted with it; we endure it, we get through it, but we do not become intimate with it. At the beginnng of life we do not reconcile ourselves to the fact of sin. We take a rational view of life and say that a man is controlled by his instincts , and by educating himself, can produce a life which will slowly evolve into the life of God. But as we go on, we find the presence of something that we have not take into consideration, i.e., sin, and it upsets our calculations. Sin has made the basis of things wild and not rational.

We have to regconise that sin is a fact, not a defect; sin is a red-handed mutiny against God. Either God or sin must die in my life. The New Testament brings us right down to this one issue. If sin rules in me, God's life in me will be killed. If God rules in me, sin in me will be killed. There is no possible ultimate but that. The climax of sin is that it crucified Jesus Christ, and what was true in the history of God on earth will be true in your history and in mine. In our mental outlook we have to reconcile ourselves to the fact of sin as the only explaination as to why Jesus Christ came, and as the explaination of the grief and sorrow in life.

add onns//

okays. gillian needs to study, but she's uber distracted. by the lures of internet and e-on. darn, must have been because i talked too much about him yesterday. agrhhhh!!!!!

anyways, i just realised that im really like getting out of touch with ppl. like john foo's gg to be enlisted next week!!! like OMG! haha. well, it always seemed that he's only sec 3 (the period when i used to talk to him) and poof! when i read his blog after like 1 year since i last read, he's going to be enlisted. haha. sheesh.

coming to a point of realisation that im actually getting old. haha. =)

and dear steffi, i so totally understand what u mean. *grrr to my back*

like my back is hurting me (at least it got better i think) cos i forgot my back cannot be massaged even when aching and now it's irritating me. oh why oh why did i forget that?!

ya, if u read my posts 2 years back, you would know that i injured my back when i did sit-ups last time. and that time when i went for a full body massage in batam, i came out yowling in pain, when ppl came out super shiok. zzz.

2008-12-07T23:52:00.003+08:00

gillian sometimes wonder if all that she is going thru is normal...

like she's happy again cos God comforted her just now and quelled her despair... after He stripped all her masks away...

sounds crazy? ya. i think it's crazy too. but then God moves in ways we cannot fathom.

haha. had a very good and long chat with joycelyn at the bus stop because gillian talks ALOT and we dun really wanna go home. haha. naughty girls. and we were giggling and luffing about our experiences in church and at alter calls all the way until the ppl there think we all are mad. haha. yups.

2008-12-06T23:23:00.004+08:00

feeling super crap now. like crap and crap and crap.

didn't get to go on board doulos and was really, like totally pissed off (not because i didn't go on board doulos).

pissed off cos i felt that i waited like an idiot for almost a full hour and i hated it when that person didn't even tell me at all that that person will be late and told me that she would pick me up in 25 mins.

anyway, ppl break their promises all the time, don't they?

it makes me wonder why then do ppl trust others then? when all they get is hurt when the promise is broken.

;because of you, i don't wanna trust anyone anymore

add onns//

i wish all these would just end. like argh. it's killing me.

emotions are simply overwhelming and what i've become, is just wretched. to the point that i hate myself and wishing that i could just disappear from the face of the earth completely and end my own misery.

maybe u can't imagine this coming out from me. yeah, im sorry but this is me. the real me. pathetic, unwanted and despised by her own self.

i've been hiding for too long. and all i can say right now is, im sorry if u don't like gillian, but this

is her.

who can see the silent tears?

only when they break out from the silence, do people realise that they are there.

2008-12-06T00:54:00.002+08:00

sigh, forgot to take pict of my model!!! argh. and it's like 3/4 gone? oh wells.

yup. gillie's happie cos she finished her LD II presentation and alo cos she finally felt that she's in God's presence in prayer meeting since XXX date ago, and then also cos of e-on. not that he did anything, but then seeing him makes me feel recharged (may not last an extra day tho) and happie!!! haha.

but i felt really terrible that i didn't talk to him much just now, cos was talking to zhen yuan abt our (but mainly mine) future prospects then i thought he wanted to say sth to me..then i had to leave cos mom was waiting rather impatiently downstairs and he was..bz. and so i didn't say bye to him!!! argh. just realised...nvm. will see him in another 12 hours. haha. =)

haha. anyway, melvin's been bugging me to go for christmas party (which i really cannot/ don't want to go cos of camp) and well, i'll tell u the second half of the story if u ask me.

yup. that was basically my day.

some other thoughts running thru my head now...but i think i shall not post them up cos it's a sensitive issue

2008-12-03T18:10:00.005+08:00

sth that struck me during devotions yesterday...

Theology Alive

"Walk while ye have the light, lest darkness come upon you"

John 12:35

Beware of not acting upon what you see in your moments on the mount with God. If you do not obey the light, it will turn into darkness. "If therefore the light that is in thee be darkness, how great is that darkness!" The second you waive the question of sanctfication or any other thing upon which God gave you light, you begin to get dry rot in your spiritual life. Continually bring the truth out in actuality; work it out in every domain, or the very light you have will prove a curse.

The most difficult operson to deal with is the one who has smug saisfaction of an experience to which he can refer back, but who is not working it out in practical life. If you say you are sancitfied, show it. The experience must be so genuine that it is shown in practical life. Beware of any belief that makes you self- indulgent; it came from the pit, no matter how beautiful it sounds.

Theology must work itself out in the most practcal relationships. "Except your righteousness shall exceed the righteousness of the scribes and Pharisees..." said our Lord, i.e., you must be more moral than the most moral being you know. You may know all the doctrine of sanctification, but are you running it out in te practical issues of your life? Every bit of your physical, moral and spiritual, is to be judged by the standard of the Atonement.

something that caught my eye just now..

"Instead, you must worship Christ as Lord of your life. And if you are asked about your Christian hope, always be ready to explain it."
~ 1 Peter 3:15, NLT

okayys. been chionging LD and genetics hw all week.. and looks like i can't go doulos tml.. sigh. yup. but at least thank God im not that groggy from all these madness. haha. yup. re-learning my foundations. =p

really really proud of my rendering just now, like whee! thank God for giving me the skill to render my Samanea saman just now. haha. like that was like the best thing i could come out with copic markers and colour pencils thus far. =D

well, that was like 95% (of the rendering of the tree) completed. shall take a pict again of my project when done. haha. yay.

yup. and gillian badly wants to meet jasmine.... and some other dear friends of hers.

2008-12-02T13:13:00.003+08:00

argh!!!!! i just realised that jasmine's (and the rest) stuck in chiangmai!!! *sob sob*

rawr. well, i guess that it's a really an eye opener for them. like to see that there are dangers frauded around hidden in the real world. well, pray that they will be safe and that they might be able to see that God is real and protecting them at all times.

well. other than that, gillian's really appreciating autocad le! yay.

yup. *missing jasmine*

it's like strange to see all the prom picts on their blogs; like it wasn't too long that they were sec 2s and 3s, and now they are all ready to step into a new phase of life.

2008-12-02T02:28:00.004+08:00

didn't have DG with jia qi in the end. but at least i had a good lunch with cass and had some retail therapy @ taka while getting stuff from art friend.

yup. and gillian's happier today, well, not totally because of above reasons but she felt that she was in God's presence and also she realised/felt that she did not like e-on for the wrong reasons. yay. as in like him as a friend. hahaa. nothing more, nothing less.

and 2 weeks more to HOLS!!! yay! but it means that datelines are here and exams too.

haha. okays. now rushing LD, and ya lors, gillian can draw better at this kind of crap hr. BUT she drak coffee like this afternoon and she's abit groggy now. argh.

and oh ya! gillian's learning another rhythm on drums! 2 rhythm in 2 weeks!!! haha. *surprise surprise* never expected myself to learn drums cos i nv liked noise in the past. well. master drums then i shall go on to master driving. cos drums teach me how to master hand- leg coordination.

and it was cass' and luke yan's birthday!! yay. HAPPIE BIRTHDAY!!

okays. end of update. back to work.

2008-12-01T02:23:00.003+08:00

for the times u just feel like running away...

from reality.

from hardships.

from testings.

from emotion- draining situations.

i feel you.

feeling not myself and sometimes wishing that the last few weeks/ months was just a bad dream. it's really not about me being ungrateful for these times, but i feel that not prepared for wad's in store for me.

maybe because i've been focusing on the wrong thing so far...

2008-11-29T11:03:00.002+08:00

it's really tiring.

but point is that i felt that i haven't really been doing much this week, other than going school for lessons, having DG and attendng SMAD and rushing genetics homework and project and tried studying for plant propagation and of course gg for cell, prayer meeting... ya! that was basically all i did.

i guess i totally felt like michele, but maybe cos i don't formulate my thoughts and feelings out, that's when im carrying my burdens alone and still think that i have the strength to function normally when im like in near total dysfunctionailty.

gillian needs to learn how not to lean not on her own understanding and trying to shoulder everything and then run away frm everything when she feels like she cannot take it anymore.

Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.- Proverbs 3:5,6

it's really a time for me to learn to grow up and learn.

When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things. -1 Corinthians 13:11

not by my own power, not by my own strength, not by my own might.

2008-11-26T19:32:00.002+08:00

some things are just so hard to be explained. sigh.

like the things that you have to do but yet procrastinate, and then the to do list just gets longer.

rawr. feelings have been very inexplicable for the past few weeks and i think it's not getting any better.

like the 5th and 6th dec thing just seemed so far from me and i really cannot see anything coming near to me. visions now just seemed so far off from me, even tho i know that they will come true. sigh.

learning to wait upon God in and out of season.

2008-11-24T23:15:00.005+08:00

The habit of rising up to the occasion

"That ye may know what is the hope of His calling" Eph 1:18

Remember what you are saved for- that the Son of God might be manifested in your mortal flesh. Bend the whole energy of your powers to realise your election as a child of God; rise to the occasion every time.

You cannot do anything for your salvation, but you must do something to manifest it, you must work out what God has worked in. Are you working it out with your tongue, and your brain and your nerves? If you are the same miserable crosspatch, set on your own way, then it is a lie to say that God has saved and sanctified you.

God is the Master Engineer, and He allows the difficuties to come in order to see if you can vault over them properly-"By my God I have leaped oevr a wall".God will never shield you from any of the requirements of a son or daughter of His. First Peter 4:12 says, "Think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you". Rise to the occasion; do the thing. It does not matter how much it hurts as long as it gives God the chance to manifest Himself in your mortal flesh.

May God not find whines in us anymore, but may he find us full of spiritual pluck and atheletism, ready to face anything He brings. We have to exercise ourselves so that the Son of God may be manifested in our mortal flesh. God never has muesuems. The only aim of life is that the Son of Godmay be manifested, and all dictation to God vanishes. Our Lord never dictated to His Father, and we are here not to dictate to His Father; we are here to submit to His will so that He may work through us what He wants. When we realize this, He will make us broken bread and poured-out wine with to feed and nourish others.

yup.

God, i know you are definitely working through in my life, but it's just so hard to surrender myself to You.

how many times did You see those slient tears- tears that almost made it out of the brims of my eyes, only to be swallowed into the stomach?

how many times when You were silent when I called out to You so that I could grow?

and the times when i pleaded that You take that cup away from me?

the moments deep into my anguish, You lifted me out and dried my tears.

teach me how i could grow;

that i may be like a tree, letting ppl take a rest through me

2008-11-23T22:02:00.009+08:00

gillian is exasperated. but before i start ranting, just some quick updates.

friday evening: met up with some primary sch classmates on fri, but couldn't stay for dinner tho cos of prayer meeting and gillian was late but anyways, went on a wild walk to the wrong bus stop trying to take bus 64 but anyways, good thing that she think she didn't miss the part where God wanted her to be there.

sat evening: had a great time fellowshipping with vicky over and just talking about some characteristics that the 89'ers in harvester has. haha. ok la. i think i kind of fit in the bill too, so yup. yay.

okay. as to why gillian's exasperated, it's due to some ppl who has irritated her really badly during lunch time and she hates ppl who can't make up their minds. and also been feeling that she's been attacked by satan. which is the most IRRITATING THING. rawRRRRRRR....

yes. and she was on the verge of giving everything up (again, within a month, which i really cannot fathom why..) God has graciously shown her a verse..

For ye know how that afterward, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected: for he found no place of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears.
Heb 12:17

sigh. yup. and gillian is having pre- monday blues.