This week, work bff kept pushing me to go after J.

It’s been 5 yrs since we first met at dinner when I joined YAYP service the first time, 3 yrs since he first asked me out, and 2.5yrs since we last talked. (And in between all those years, almost zero contact)

I don’t know if I should hold on to him. My mind tells me to let go. But I feel that something good is going to happen between us.

I don’t know if that is the effect of my depression. Like having alot of delusions/ being delusional. Yeah, and it’s making me more depressed, when I don’t know to let go or hold on.

It makes me scared of wanting responsibilities. Like what if I cannot function? I don’t want J to see me in that state. I know that a serious relationship will lead to marriage, and the marriage vows goes like “for better or worse; in sickness or in health...”

I want him to have a wife who can be there for him, to support him. I think I will flag out before hardships come, with that depression.

I like him, but I also don’t want to be always taken care by someone. I don’t know how I could reconcile that.

Dear J, 
I really liked you. Because I liked you so much, I kept pushing you away because I thought you would be happier with someone else.