10:46 PM

12:19 PM

been just in between waves... trying to figure out what is what, who is who. just trying to not do anything, but even then, not doing anything is still doing something. 

i know i sucked at being a person (and still does), perhaps my whole perception is just warped. Definitely a work in progress, but sometimes, why can't everything just remain as it is and be comfortable?

like that struggle is real. A good part just wants to settle for what is sucky and just continue to be sucky and a tiny part, like 0.0000001% knows that that is not meant to be. 

like the story of the black wolf vs the white wolf in us. we can only be who we are to the one that we feed more. 

i know i've been ignoring God and the things that I ought to look, as a defence mechanism to pain. "why can't everything be perfect at the first try?' 

"comparing is an insult to God that admits that we are not satisfied with how God made us, that we are not happy with where he has placed us, and that we don’t appreciate the life he has ordained for us."

it's tough, like how do you even look past all that and begin to look at goodness and faithfulness?

Only goodness and faithful love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD as long as I live. Psalm 23: 6

like, looking around and seeing people who are better... and then what about me? it's not that im not grateful, or dissatisfied with what i have.. maybe it's like, it would be awesome if i have a bit more, you know? if my finances are slightly better... like "comfortable" life... like to have my own apartment to call home, a better community around me...

like legit stuff of a singaporean. but that doesn't seem to tie in with what christianity is. not that advocates poverty either. perhaps a 知足常乐 thing.

yeah.  and it's not just monetary stuff. it's like character as well? perhaps i should be nicer, more this, less that...

so why is that an insult to God when i am comparing that i sucked as a person, cos my character sucked?

You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures. James 4:2-3

idk. im just going in my own rhetorical circle again and again.

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