11:04 PM
Thought of the week: What if I died today.
Attended the wake of an excolleague's FIIL, and was just thinking, what if that person was me. What would people be describing me?
Well the wake was pretty peaceful, and though it was sombre, it was a celebration of a life well lived.
What about mine? Perhaps it could be a sense of a wasted life, a life not well lived- after all, I've not gone through the rites of "adulthood". But at the very least, I have lived past my own goal of committing suicide at 21.
I'm trying to hold on, but sometimes I wonder what's to hold on either. I know letting go is not to drop dead, but at times I also feel that Im1 not enough to stand up for myself.
Ps Alvin always tells me that I need to stand up for myself, because the soul remembers the times when my mind did not stand up for the injustices that the soul receives and hence there is that hurt and defensive part that strives to protect the soul.
Hopefully able to see to that day when I can heal.
1:21 AM
爱一个人, 有时需要放手。不管是亲情,友情或爱情, 都一样。
记得要放手。不要想太多。Just do it.
In the name of keeping myself sane, and learning to manage my expectations of others, so that my emotions will not go haywire.
8:34 PM
there is never a good time to die. Since when there is a good time to die.
But a day delayed is a day gained, is it? perhaps not, when someone is having suicidal thoughts.
Indeed, it is a thorn in my flesh, with all that suicidal thoughts and having the fear of being oversensitive and reactive. Read the article from
DesiringGod.org and really wished I could say what Paul had said in 2 Cor 12:6- 10
So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, nI am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
But I'm not. I can't remember why I made certain decisions and ended up being more miserable than I was. But oh wells. I supposed it was done to "keep my sanity" but at the rate I'm going, I'm already questioning my sanity. Hur hur.
May it never end it that manner.
7:59 PM
Today, I asked myself, what's the difference between mental illness, spiritual warfare and hearing from God, cos I can't seem to differentiate the different voices in my head any more.
I asked myself, what use would it be to read the bible, when my mind is repelling every word that I'm reading, shutting off and practically resisting everything that is in it.
I asked myself, am I still a "good" christian when I am not "working out my faith in fear and trembling", or when I'm living my life like a "practical atheist"?
I asked myself, why can't I guard my heart properly, when it is the wellspring of life (proverbs 4:23)?
I asked myself, why are my thoughts trying to unsettle my emotions? Cos I get real suicidal when im not emotionally stable. Why are my thoughts luring me to suicide?
I asked myself, why am I not elated/ over the moon when Vic told me that she has been declared cancer free? Perhaps I'm too scared to feel. Perhaps I'm afraid of what my thoughts are telling me are true.
I asked myself, can I live life like everyone else, instead of suppressing all that thoughts so that I can live a "normal" life.
I asked myself, is it worth it to heal? To want to heal from the past yet going through this mental anguish.. Perhaps to want to change for a person, was never a right motive.
11:09 PM
Maybe I shouldn't have forced it. Keep calm and let it go.
Why would anyone want to be with someone who is emotionally unstable and unavailable at times?
Which is why, sometimes I just give up. It's too exhausting to try to know people, and more often than not, it is not reciprocal. The amount of effort to want to be around people is huge.
我寂寞寂寞就好 这时候谁都别来安慰拥抱
就让我一个人去 痛到 受不了 想到 快疯掉
死不了就还好
Argh. Gillian must keep my emotions in check. It's going overboard at times. Like my mind is betraying me; 想制我于死地。The cycle of emotions going overboard must end; or it will one day kill me.
Control, Gillian. You gotta stay in control.
2:45 PM
昨天，i did it.
gave him the Christmas card even tho I forgot the present. But at least, it's one big step for Gillian.
It's really tough overcoming the defence mechanism in myself, after all, having sexually harassed/ assaulted on different occasions growing up.
Anyway, could have done better, but I'm still proud of myself for not blanking out in front of him, or switching to another personality in front of him yesterday (which always happens before). Which is one big step for Gillian. So I'm not going to go too hard on myself for missing certain cues to get to know him better.
It is definitely a milestone for me, but I'm not sure if it is still going to go anywhere, since I won't be seeing him as frequent as before.
so far, 2019 is pretty ok. Please be awesome to me till 31 dec.
11:39 PM
有时候，就觉得这个世界挺奇怪的。或许在这个年纪了还真的不知道怎么作人，这世界的规矩。
人间的感情，或许对我说，可有可无。但是让我百得不解的是，为什么对别人好的时候， 有突然就不见了？当我终于肯相信你的时候，你就退后？是要我前进， 还是退后？
人生路的确有时候是要一个人静思，思考，但是， 哪里是局限？哪里是适合邀约他人和你走着条路呢？
因为我的惧怕，深怕我所信任的人会突然会离我而去， 就再也不相信人的话，也不想对感情抱有太大的期望。所谓的，希望得太大，失望的也深。
“There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket – safe, dark, motionless, airless – it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.” C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves
无论如何，两边的道路都不好走。But one leads to life, the other to death. But does it matter? I just feel like dying in either road anyway. there isn't much meaning and satisfaction in my relationships. perhaps in my own brokenness, I've been so wrapped up in my own definitions that I can't see anything else. then again, like I can't see any other way either. Like love is a thing so hard to grasp.
Someone said, Life is not life without pain. In this life, there will always be pain, and more pain. Life is synonymous with pain and suffering. So why should one be avoiding pain when this life is all about growing through pain?
I can be beaten down by pain at one point in time, but I cannot stay beaten by it.
Idk. I wished I could put all these philosophies into my daily conscious brains. But all my mind could focus on the pain, the could haves, whether I like it or not. Like the could haves I might have if I did certain things a certain way.
It's definitely not healthy, but these things bombard my brains daily, just how intense it is. and when it doesn't, the brains feels weird and start wishing for it to come. (Really very 欠扁, ikr)
I prayed for my pain to go away, and yet, when it's gone, I wished it back. Perhaps it's the fear of the unknown that often cripples that will to step out of the comfort zone.
3:52 AM
2018 走的好累，好累。
好想找个落脚之处，但是好像等不到那个人。
2019 就是想把他忘了吧。
2019 的到来，好像把我弄的措手不及。
就要 press in, press on 吧。路虽然不容易，还是要走的；不可以轻易放弃。
加油吧！