3:25 PM
been feeling dissatisfied. maybe it's because i feel that i dun measure up. maybe i've been taking things into my own hands.
or maybe i have too much head knowledge that can't seem to translate it into action. it's easy to start well, but harder with each and every passing step because it just gets harder and narrower. (im not trying to justify why i've failed, but it's a lament and a way of pushing myself forward)
it's easy to say 'i love God' yet time and again, that our actions don't justify that. how can it be that we say that want to follow God and then we choose to deliberately sin the most obvious sin and trying to justifying that by saying that you'll wrong the right by making it up in due time? i really cannot fathom that, really, God, but i know that everything is really permissible but it's not beneficial, to us.
dear gillian, you are also not spared of this sin as well.
Luke 6:37-38 Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you; a good measure-pressed down, shaken together, and running over-will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you."
'If anyone wants to follow Me, he must first deny himself, take up the cross and follow Me.'
here's a glimpse on how my grumbling would be if i haven't resolved in my heart to count the costs:
deny myself! oh God, haven't i done enough? God i've already given you time to attend all services, oikos-es, and just to fellowship with the brethren and i've sought You diligently, isn't it enough? i tithe, i pledged to missions, i gave until im in financial difficulty now, not denying myself enough?
and then taking up the cross! haven't i given alot; i don't even get to hang out and catch up with my buddies not enough?! haven't i learnt to face up to my past? im 'trying to take up responsibility' here. and i came to the point that my friends have forsaken me because im trying to be a testimony for Your sake, and still not enough?
and i still have to follow Your laws?! as in You mean that what i've just done is not enough?! @#$%^&* !
then i remembered Mat 7:21- 23:
"Not everyone who says to Me, 'Lord, Lord!' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but [only] the one who does the will of My Father in heaven. On that day many will say to Me, 'Lord, Lord, didn't we prophesy in Your name, drive out demons in Your name, and do many miracles in Your name? ' Then I will announce to them, 'I never knew you! Depart from Me, you lawbreakers!'
then by this time, some will come up and say, "why should we change? isn't God's grace sufficient for me? 2 Cor 19: 9 says that But He said to me,"My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may reside in me.
and furthermore, romans 5:20- 21 The law came along to multiply the trespass. But where sin multiplied, grace multiplied even more, so that, just as sin reigned in death, so also grace will reign through righteousness, resulting in eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.
it's really clear in Romans 6 that God's grace shouldn't be taken for granted. v 1-3 says that, What should we say then? Should we continue in sin in order that grace may multiply? Absolutely not! How can we who died to sin still live in it?
Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body, so that you obey its desires. And do not offer any parts of it to sin as weapons for unrighteousness. But as those who are alive from the dead, offer yourselves to God, and all the parts of yourselves to God as weapons for righteousness. For sin will not rule over you, because you are not under law but under grace.
(v 12-14)
i clearly understand that this is hard teaching, and it's also hard for me who is typing this, as my ipod's softly playing Via Dolorosa in my ears, reminding me of the Man who suffered for us to redeem us from our sins and encouraging me to walk way that deems right to Him, not my self- perceived right ways.
maybe you are thinking, 'why do you want to go through so much pain in your life, Gillian, why? why are u making life so difficult for yourself? isn't life hard enough? isn't being contented that God loves me, love the whole world and I love Him back enough? God says in the famous John 3:16 that For God loved the world in this way: He gave His One and Only Son, so that everyone who believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life. Right?'
WRONG. Look at the people who have always surrounded Jesus. the multitudes and the disciples. both groups have seen and heard the miracles of Jesus. Look at the two groups of them, even though i believe that in the multitudes, there are people who believe that Jesus is God, is the Messiah, but because they remained in the 'God loves me, love the whole world and I love Him back' and a passive attitude for God, that is why their lives remained unchanged, mundane, that they will NEVER live up to their destiny, the lofty dreams that God drew in the blueprint of life.
Look at the disciples. they sought God actively, refused to remain in the 'God loves me, love the whole world and I love Him back', refused to let their shortcomings/ sins be in the way of getting close to Jesus. Look how their lives been transformed. from mere fishermen, they became public speakers, despite never having any formal education (i believe), they stood before judges, governors, multitudes, sharing their testimony. this is their destiny, their purpose in life: to know Christ and make Him known. even though they suffered persecution, death by torture, but this is their high calling, that because of their faith that we today enjoy their fruits- to be saved by the grace of Jesus Christ.
today, this baton has been passed to us. are we willing to step forward and allow our hands to be dirty and say, God, take our lives and use it for the furtherance of Your Kingdom. I don't want to remain as a convert/ follower; i want to be a disciple of Christ. I want to be like the Apostles, to go into all the world and make disciples of all nations.
As we make this prayer, God, You help our hearts to choose what is good and pleasing in Your sight; help us to make the right choices and die to our flesh and our old nature.