12:57 AM
dear gillie,
i feel terrible. i feel like crap. i don't really want to face up.
it's my bad for not talking to you. best friend, i don't even know myself anymore. many times when i talked myself into getting to write to Abba, i find myself walking out of that situation.
i don't want. but i know i can't stay there. blearghx.
sometimes, i wished i had nv appeared. yeah, i hope you know what im going thru. but it doesn't matter if u don't.
Love,
gillian
1:30 AM
maybe i have been selfish. too much.
every time when i watch humanitarian aid shows, it would simply remind me of how we are to bless the poor, to reach out to the ppl in unreachable areas, yet many times i dun see it happening.
even i feel so jaded. who are we to bless? like being in comfy singapore, we just tend to say that we are so poor, yet we do not realise that we are still categorised as the top 10% richest in the world.
we take our health care, education, transport system for granted. we grumble of ppl trying to take small advantages of us, yet we do not care for a world that is broken.
i dun deny that i fall into those above, that's why i am amazed. that You called us to be Your hands and feet.
i feel worthless that You called me worthy. i am guilty of condemning myself. when You told me my chains are gone, i was liberated. but after awhile, i can't help but falling into that pit again. it's a cycle. bad vicious, cycle.
bye
3:49 PM
things don't matter right?
it's time not to care, why care when no one appreciates it, takes it for granted?
it's okay not to want it back. i dun care anyways. so it dun matter anymore.
damn. heck to those who complain that this is emo.
back!
1:18 AM
well... it's so long a hiatus from blogger and i realised that i just can't seem to blog on livejournal.
well.. was feeling abit melancholy.. with a tinge of sentiments lowing through.. and just came back browsing this blog.
don't know why, i just want to type something in here. guess it has already in a sense, become my comfort zone. to being able to express wad i couldn't write in my journal book or even with God Himself.
i've tried hard to find myself a meaning in life, and every time i think i found it, it slips off running to a place that looks quite hazy. was all those wrong? maybe they were just stepping stones, or they were way off course.
i thought hlm would be something i could stick with, but i realised an interest could only remain as an interest when you are naturally not cut out for the job. i can't gauge lengths without an accurate guide most of the time (just that i dun verbalise them; but they go way of at times.) which is important in all aspects of horticulture. give me a plant; i can't tell u the height of the plant, which is impt for nursery sales, propagation, landscaping. which is like everything.
tried so hard, searched many times looking to satisfy this heart of mine.
i suppose having this irritating fracture helps me to force me to not move anywhere and to consider my ways ahead of me. which i have to learn to overcome my (bad) fear of God. to come before as who i am, unashamedly.
; a rumor, a whisper of things long ago
of a great and awesome thing
as I reach out to heaven
my heart wanting more
reveal to me
my life today