gillian feels that she's getting a nervous breakdown soon, even tho exams are over and they are like the last things on her mind right now.

ya sure, even tho i think i've done quite badly for my papers, but attachment's really killing me...

okayys, went to the place, talked to all of my superiors already and the big boss too, and they are all very nice ppl (both i and fang think so), and the working environment's great cos it's all green and relaxing but somehow i just can't get past the stress im mounting on myself

i know it's really because i have been dependant on my own strength. and not being able to trust God that this is indeed where He wants me to be.

argh. ye of little faith.

man. i totally feel so terrible. it's worse than going to the dentist when i was much younger (ok, i loved gg there, cos can get stickers and clean teeth :p)

im currently in a state of shock and i think i can cry any moment right now. really.

i think the thought of leaving fang, mabel and the lecturers, HLM, NP, really scares me ALOT.

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. -1Tim 1:7

gillian, take in a deep breath and everything's gonna be ok.


well, still thank God that i managed to get sth into my head for PNM, tho i dun think i'll do quite well. =\ (and it wasn't because i left after 1 hr.. cos i think i'll still write the same things even after the full 2 hrs..)

yups. left abori now! yay. =)


well. at least genetics paper's over. phew. not as bad as i thought, but still quite bad. like all the things i studied on fri with mabel all came out la!!! and i didn't really commit to memory tho. =p well, still thank God that i know that i know He gave me that wisdom to do the paper. (ya... this sentance is not a typo) and i was really was distracted by someone's constant fipping of pages and non-stop writing that made me super conscious of myself.

one down, 2 to go. supposed to be studying for my PNM paper.. but im like... whopper relaxed now, can? darn.

yup. im still in love with the song that vicky sent me like this morning, but i really cannot figure out the lyrics cos my stupid phone's speakers spoilt so i can only hear the song with one side of my ear. but i shall either wait to save for a ipod and a sumsung omnia HD or a iphone. so ya.



anyway, that's the video. =) *loves* can no need to watch the video actually. listen can le cos i think the video's funny. =p
can't find free lyrics for this... hmmm.. go figure it out urself. =)


add onns//

time check: 2:43am. 11hrs and 47mins to go before PNM paper. and im still struggling to study for it.

like nth much about it is in my brains now. gahh. and anyway, i have to stay awake so that i can shut down my com later when the sharing folder syncs finish with vicky's.

okay. i must learn to survive this week. and before i do that, i must get sth for my gastric... think cos im either lacking zzz or im too stressed already.


i think i finally understood what all that means. like all the visions over the past 8 months have all been linked together at evening service's altar call. yup, which also means that i must learn to embrace some things i've yet to really like... like kids/ children. hehe.

it's gonna be tough, but i guess, i will learn to not be dependant on my own strength but on God cos my life will be meaningless and purposeless without God.

my life's not my own anyway, cos He has redeemed it back for us.

In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct thy path. Trust therefore, in the Lord.

and really very glad for the song that vicky send me. (i seem to be mentionng her in everything im doing now. heh.) but anyway, that song's really good. cos it also sort of speaks what im gg thru right now at the moment. will find the lyrics/ video after my exams. oh. it's called broken into beautiful by Gwen Smith. go find it if u have the time.

6.5 hrs before genetics paper and im still blogging.


whee!! adrian and pauline's wedding was like so cool la... (even tho i overheard drips and drapes from hong ling..)

like they composed a song and a mtv for their wedding and all the funny things that friends of theirs did in a video delicating to them.. it was really quite funny. whee. but i dun think my wedding will be as happening as theirs. =p but it's okays. haha.

yup. studying today was alright, just that i was distracted by e-on's name while i was studying cos some ppl were talking abt how good he was and etc. well, i guess it really doesn't matter and i also dun want to be bothered by it also.

anyway, i realised that i forgot to thank God for yest!! thank Him that he gave me wisdom to study for PBG... ya man.

like i could get the points while reading the notes/ studying with mabel yest and i felt so enlightened man. wheet. i never felt so good studying pbg. haha. but alot of things i haven't memorised... so wait till i memorised all that stuff i think i can get an A! haha. that is, when i memorised all that stuff in there.

if i can get b+ for biochem and a GPA of 2.1 even failing 2 mods, i think i can do it now too, with God's grace. not that i want to be on par with the better ones like hong yi or even edward and show off that i could do it, even with 2 extra mods than everyone else, but i really want to show the world that it is not i who can do it, but it's really that with God, all things are possible and i want to dream exelling for Him.

okayys, before i can excel for God, i need to revise and study and do LTS hw too. byes!


tough week. that's all i can say.

it's really very crazy... and i get so frustrated reading rama's notes till the point i feel like giving it up. which is quite out of the question. and so, with my limited brains for PBG and God's help, im gonna try it tml. this time with mabel too.

it's really not the question of me not liking the module, but it's really more of the not being able to connect the terms to the diagrams (because i dun understand the terms and the explainations dun really help) and all the diagrams that she taught and wad was inside her notes also dun really make sense either. so, i think im on ground zero. and i think the uni ppl (like j heng, zhili and june) or bear can't help much since they are so bz (bear's in army now. oh boy) and my paper's on mon. so i think im worse off than what was before.

and then there's PNM. PNM's ok, other than the fact that it's entirely memory work and it's on tues (PBG's on mon). so ya. so i have to clear my brains out of PBG before i can start on PNM.

and then arbori. which i think which might be my best mod this sem... cos i have abit more time to study and so far i think i can understand it.

gosh. i wish this nightmare would be over soon.


i noe i have beeen typing half written posts and then just leaving them as drafts... better hope that this doesn't end up as draft...

too many things and days has gone by in a twinkling of the eye and im fast approaching attachment. (countdown: 13 days! goodness. less than half a mth!!)

projects come and go and im already at the last round of LD II presentation. then comes our real study break. then exams come and go and then im on my way to attachment life. which i have to forgo my hols and ngee ann when the new sem comes. (which means... i'll say bye to fang, mabel, jian min, yi lin, hui lin, tze xin [my LD project mates cum not too bad friends], other hlm-ers + lecturers, crusaders [not likely, since im around the area, but i'll def miss the graduating ppl!] and i dunno hu else at the moment.

like im already whinning so much abt attachment and nth else sia... sigh.

dunno la. just feel like i wanna pause all this and take a breather. but then it's thru these times that i'll grow and be expanded in capacity.


CRUNCH TIME.

with all about LD II, PBG, PNM and arboriculture still swirling in my head, and not to forget attachment too.

but i know that without God, i would have died already, noe-ing what a worry wart i am, and also like i would have given up, not wanting to do anything anymore.

=p

yups. anyway, went out with fang yest to shop for mabel's pressie and also to spend time catching up also, esp cos like our days together in school as classmates are so limited... and only 15 more days before we move on to 3rd yrs and 17 more days before i start attachment.

alrighty, gtg print out my stuff for presentation later. rawr.


blog's been have alive now... cos of my complains and what not sia.

haha. yup. right now softscape's like 90 percent done. and so im left with LD II. yups. and i need to do my reports. blearghx.

and then study for my papers and revise my yr 1 and 2 stuff before my attachment. actually, things are quite simple one... dunno y i think until so complicated sia.

yup. im quite washed out actually. sigh. yups. but i noe that God has been good to me. always a last min chiong-er. lol. but it's something not pleasing unto God la.


okayys. got my attachment placement. (i kind of totally forgot about it until this morning because i lost track of the dates) lalalalala.

quite really happy with where i am placed, even tho it's really not where i wanted initially, but right now im thinking that it's even better than where i had wanted. =D

see! God always have a better plan for me than i do for myself. like my working time are from mon to fri, 8:30am- 6:30pm (NO WEEKENDS!! whoot! i still can go for all my services.) and it's SUPER near vicky's place (now she can't complain that i dun have time to meet her, cos now we can meet for lunch or i can slp over at her place; it's only 5 mins away from her hse la!!!) and also mom can still send me to work! yay! =) haha. spoilt kid.

and i can get to do landscape design, landscape implementation and environmental research, horticulture standards and safety. whoot! all in one.

but then again, im so afraid that it just sounds nice on paper. *shudders*

add onns//

was reading joshua harris' boy meet girl and i found that it serves e-on and me no good if i keep on holding on. and so, i figured out that it would be better to let God be God lors. =p and i shall do my part as a good girl to serve Him, until He says move on.


i really feel like im on the verge of giving up.

like 'go on, be a coward and run away. go on pretending that nothing is wrong when everything's se-ri-ous-ly wrong.'

rawr. i noe im not made of steel and im not, but sometimes it's just so easy to not bother about everything and anything and just bottle everything up within you.


In Christ Alone
In Christ alone will I glory
Though I could pride myself in battles won
For I've been blessed beyond measure
And by His strength alone I overcome
Oh, I could stop and count successes
Like diamonds in my hand
But those trophies could not equal
To the grace by which I stand

In Christ alone I place my trust
And find my glory in the power of the cross
In every victory let it be said of me
My source of strength, my source of hope
Is Christ alone

In Christ alone will I glory
For only by His grace I am redeemed
Only His tender mercy
Could reach beyond my weakness to my need
Now I seek no greater honor
Than just to know Him more
And to count my things but losses
To the glory of the Lord


In Your Presence
In Your presence
That’s where I am strong
In Your presence
O Lord my God
In Your presence
That’s where I belong
Seeking Your face
Touching Your grace
In the cleft of the Rock
In Your presence O God

I want to go
Where the rivers
Cannot overflow me
Where my feet are
On the rock
I want to hide
Where the blazing
Fire cannot burn me
In Your presence O God

I want to hide
Where the flood of
Evil cannot reach me
Where I’m covered by the blood
I want to be where
The schemes of darkness
Cannot touch me
In Your presence O God

You are my firm foundation
I trust in You all day
am Your child
And Your servant
And You are my
Strength and my song
You’re my song
Seeking Your face
Touching Your grace
In the cleft of the Rock
In Your presence O God
In Your presence

The songs that really touched me during altar call. somehow God was preparing me yesterday at the altar during morning and evening service before that confrontation happened.

yes, im still reeling from it- who says the Christian is made of steel? but i thank God that i was still can be considered as calm and composed as compared to my usual reaction.

only because You said that it wasn't my fault that i was hurt. You said that in Your presence that I am strong and by Your stripes, i am healed- only if i really trust and put my faith in You. The peace of God that transcends all things will be with me at all times.

i don't know how im gg to survive this- but if i do, it's really by Your grace.



add onns//

gosh. i just remembered that it's CAD and PNM's test tomorrow. argh.

but i dun wanna go home just yet.


i feel like this blog is getting abandoned by me. like im not blogging or thinking of any blogging substances to type in. haha.

anyway, im just wearied by projects and sch work. deadlines and all. yup. like autoCAD/ softscape, LD II are major projects in each of the yr 2 semester, but im taking both tgt in a semester. yup. so i guess im like hurhur. and the best thing is that i havent handed in any f my arbori pract either.

then right now im also serving in crusade and also in cell as a birthday coordinator and unofficially in poly zone (ad-hog) not much i would say, but wish i can do more, but then im like whoo-hoo!! due to quite bad time mgt.

so i think im like half dead.

and the best thing is that before long (2 weeks), i'll be having my study break, exams and then ATTACHMENT!!! (the word 'attachment' doesn't sound really right...does it?)

argh. time passes super fast can?!

okays. i should stop procrastinating (it's a huge, long and bad word to use)