yesterday at the altar, something beautiful happened. He told me that i was beautiful and i didn't have to take all my sorrows and all my hurts to 2009. That He would carry all of it- my unforgiveness, my shamfulness, my strivings, my desires, my hurts, my depression- anything that will prevent me from being who i really am. He would be my Lover and my Comforter. That i didn't have to strive for anything anymore because He sees me for who i am, my inner beauty that i have been hiding for so long, for fear that i would be hurt again.

that personal touch, that longing to be loved, that longing to be regconised- were met by Him there and then at the altar.

i never believed that i was so loved. i never believed that i could actually meet God that close. to hear Him beckoning me into His presence and say that He will wash away everything- and to actually do it for me.

He never said being a woman was easy. nor after being a christian, we wouldn't be hurting anymore. it's only when we surrender our hurts to Him that it becomes more bearable.

Come unto me, all ye who are heavy laden and weary, and I will give you rest.


started reading this book called Captivating- unveiling a woman's soul by john and stasi eldredge
well, i made a joke out of it cos jocelyn asked me out and i told her that i wanna stay home and read Captivating cos it captivated my heart to read it. LOL.

yup. it's really a good book. will recommend it to all who are female (guys: can read also, there's some parts for guys too. and it will give u a clearer glimsp of a woman's heart than what u really think- guy version of this book is called wild at heart) cos it's really something that is quite thought- provoking(?)

like altho it's a christian book, but i really highly recommend everyone (be it u are a christian or non- christian) to read it. not because it talks about God, but it talks about the state of ur soul, the hurts that has caught ur heart to be locked and so in the middle of nowhere. like there is so much more being a female than what we experience and think.

Fight of faith
Here i am
At your feet
Crying out to you
Draw me near
Hold me close
Lord i wait on you
For you're my greatest love
You're my comforter and strength
You're the first
You're the last
You're my guiding light

I will run
I will soar
On eagle's wings
As I wait
On You Lord
My strength is restored
Fix my eye on you Jesus
As i run this race
Help me fight this fight of faith


sometimes i just hate blogging, cos like it always seemed that no one cares at all.

how many times have i felt that my life was so screwed up this week? i have lost count and i dun even wanna think.

it doesn't matter how much God has been trying to get in touch with me- that sense of failure, worthlessness and hurt has never left me.

i know that unless i have been truly been touched by God, i can never recover. just like a tree, if the wound wood is not produced, pathogen attack is always at hand because the chemical barriers are not strong enough to resist such attacks in the long run.

when a tree is first wounded, it produces chemicals to clog up the growing areas, vascular bundles and then the parenchyma cells respectively in response to the injury. these are the 1st 3 zones of defence which is not very effective if the tree is not healthy or various pathogens attack together at the same time. however, the real deterrent towards an attack is only the physical barrier, which protects the core from being in touch with the pathogens.

when we are wounded by ppl, our 1st response would be numb ourselves/ be in a state of shock, then we wouldn't think about anything in relation to the wound and then go into a state of denial/stay away from the person or event/ hope that time would heal the wound.

but if there is no proper closure, the injury would open up when a similar event happens and then we'll feel worse each time it happens.

and that's what's happening right now.


MERRY CHRISTMAS!

well, too many events/ things going on... like writing cards/ wrap presents, CHRISTMAS RALLY, do I&E, project, thanksgiving piece during youth service tomorrow and the MAKAN EVENT tomorrow.

but i still don't feel that christmas-sy. like...oh wells, maybe im getting too sensitive about this whole thing about christmas. sigh.

add onns//

well, went over to ikea to make myself happier and also to get more stuff... only to realise that my deco was all sold out!!! like oh great. but anyway, bought stuff in a attempt to neaten up my things and also to get myself back on track for 2009(?)

sheesh. it's already like 26 dec lors.. =p and in another few more days, i can start counting down to new year, NP open house, CNY... all the hols and i can start counting to being 20 too. haha.

and i went to eat smelly beancurd for dinner!! whee!! had a craving for it quite some time back... haha. quite ironic cos i wanted to eat hk toast but ended up at a taiwanese restaurant eating smelly bean curd. and the worst thing was tat my hair reeked of it after that!! gosh. my hair can really retain smells. but at least the smelly beancurd was great! =) seems like i almost eat anything that has beancurd/tau-kua. haha... any one else wanna eat with me?

and my mom wanted to bring my grand-aunty there next time. haha. and maybe i can go eat the beancurd again. *whee!*


yup. gillian spent the day wrapping presents...but then she realised that she does not have the time to write cards!!! argh.

and gillian was so happy to see e-on today!!! haha. even tho her face didn't write anything when she saw him.. but ya. =) haha. im getting better with hiding that 'over-reaction' on my face. haha. (should i wish that he sees this?) and dear jocelyn (just realised that i've been spelling her name wrongly all this while) was like zzz, pls dun talk e-on to me. teeheeheee. im good that buzzing ppl off with that. lalalalala.

yups. saw them in their costumes today and all of them looked so funny!!haha. like noticed zhen yuan, jeremy heng and gareth in those... and i think i really wanna luff there and then... but then the cast were like praying and my objective there was to follow jocelyn and hui ping to pass faith the extra sushi to share the love to the drama team, so i was nice and i didn't luff at them at all, okayys.

yep. lalalalala. and yup. did i say i had a very strange dream? hmmm. but the funny thing was that i told myself to remember the contents in the dream but somehow i totally cannot remember anything abt it, other than the fact that i had a very strange dream. =\


Take me past the outer courts
Into the holy place
Past the brazen altar
Where I can see You face to face

Pass me by the crowds of people
And the priests who sing Your praise
I hunger and thirst for Your righteousness
but it's only found one place

yup. season of Christmas is just round the corner but still feeling as sian as ever, and ya, im like prorastinating about cards and presents too. (and u realise that im not in the mood for carols either)

this is the first yr that im still bz with sch and everything else and maybe that's why im like totally not in the mood for christmas...

like i dun wanna be in this bleary mood...AT ALL. I wanna enjoy the christmas trees, gift exchanges, and the beautiful decorations that everyone is talking about. (sounds familiar? that's from the skit in the christmas party)

okays, im feeling sara all of a sudden. (the character that i was portraying in the skit)

sigh. countdown: 3; 2 plus days

add onns//

it's just so hard not to think anything else other then *ahem*. i really dun wanna think about xyz and my future, but at the same time, i dun wanna lose my expectancy that God will see my visions thru. well, i don't even noe if that's the right thing to do. feeling just so insecure and faithless about them.

sigh. i feel that im losing my sanity at times.


tired. plus abit sick...

but glad that the party was great.

haha.

wished e-on was there. but it's all right. shalt not think of him. lalalalalala. cos i dun wanna think of him if it's not vice versa. LOL.

okays. i think im in delirium. zzz. the cold's getting to me.


gillian realised that her posts are getting skimpier.

well, shall elaborate on RAW, since it was the most recent thing and really, the presence of God was there.

it's really a camp that i have never experienced it before, like to be there on the mountain facing God but yet at the same time, getting s0 distracted by the flesh. it's like receiving, yet you are not. and at the same time, throwing you into trials so that you may learn. and then at the same time, revealing Himself only right at the end of the camp.

well, it's really different from YF camps i guess. like YF camps makes u super on for God, but then there's no depth and u die down soon. but RAW camp, for me, it took me into a deeper level with God and i guess to really count the cost of following Him, even to the ends of the earth and to pour out the oil in my alabaster jar and also my life for Him.

maybe this is the start of my tranformation. to be changed from a broken vessel into a broken but is being repaired vessel. to be shining for Him and really to be that mouthpiece of His to the nations.


RAW camp was ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC!! whee. so too bad for those who didn't go. =p

okay la. it was fantastic cos God's presence was there all the time. yay! but it was 'bad' in a sense cos the spiritual battles were taking place la.. yup.

im learning to be broken so that i can shine for Him.


and so RAW camp is just round the corner.... whee!!!

haha. well, gillian haven't even packed yet. *shocks*

yups.

okay la.. shall not procrastinate le.. off to pack my things. tata! cya on thurs/ fri! (u may come visit me @ praisehaven-salvation army (bt timah) there. )


glad that those days of papers are over. so happy!!

well, nothing much to post for now and shall be off to meet vicky

add onns//

gillian needs to sort out her thoughts. like there are alot of rubble that needs to be cleared and she needs directions.


well, progress of studying is still slow but i guess, it's okay ba.

kinda distracted right now, like jasmine's coming back from chiangmai (finally!!!) and by some other random things like drumming and him. haha.

fingers itching for the drum sticks to play (well, still lousy but hey! practice makes perfect!) so ya.

might be joining gareth and nigel on fri to play drums. haha.

and then.... there is RAW CAMP!!! whoot. but actually not very excited right now cos i still have arbori. test later.

I need You more, more than yesterday
I need You more, more than the air I breathe
I need You more, than ever before
I need You Lord, I need You Lord


add onns//

okayys. arbori. test was quite alright, and was quite glad of my LD presentation marks... 23.5/ 30.. not that fantastic.. cos like wad dhanen said, could have done better. sigh...but it's okays. =)

oh ya! gillian also realised that she cannot use ball point pen...cos her handwritting got even worse than using her fountain pen. haha. =p oops. sorry mr saiful!

yup. felt pretty faint at the bus stop while waiting for 154, maybe cos i haven't been slping well and didn't really eat i guess. but at least i didn't pengsan there. haha.

and so gillian cooked her mushroom toufu soup! whee... and saw sean and yusri on the way home. haha. =)

yup. but the soup taste weird... maybe didn't control the fire well enough. =p

anyway, gillian shall not talk about him like anytime soon. it's really really bad. like im getting soooooo distracted by him. sigh.


somehow this song got about playing in my head this morning.. ya. =p

Take me past the outer courts
Into the holy place
Past the brazen altar
Lord I want to see Your face

Pass me by the crowds of people
And the priests who sing Your praise
I hunger and thirst for Your righteousness
But it's only found in one place

Take me into the holy of holies
Take me in by the blood of the lamb
Take me into the holy of holies
Take the coal, touch my lips, here I am

and ya. supposed to be good and start studying, but i realised i forgot to bring out my notes. haha. oh wells. study from the com then.


add onns//

after 2 hours plus, all i can say is that i finished only lecture one. when i think i could have finished like 2 or maybe 3 lectures. argh. progress is really very slow. darn. and gillian should have brought out a jacket. zzz.

maybe it's cos im fasting taht's why my brain is like not functioning.


Accquaintence with grief

We are not accquainted with grief in the way our Lord was accquainted with it; we endure it, we get through it, but we do not become intimate with it. At the beginnng of life we do not reconcile ourselves to the fact of sin. We take a rational view of life and say that a man is controlled by his instincts , and by educating himself, can produce a life which will slowly evolve into the life of God. But as we go on, we find the presence of something that we have not take into consideration, i.e., sin, and it upsets our calculations. Sin has made the basis of things wild and not rational.

We have to regconise that sin is a fact, not a defect; sin is a red-handed mutiny against God. Either God or sin must die in my life. The New Testament brings us right down to this one issue. If sin rules in me, God's life in me will be killed. If God rules in me, sin in me will be killed. There is no possible ultimate but that. The climax of sin is that it crucified Jesus Christ, and what was true in the history of God on earth will be true in your history and in mine. In our mental outlook we have to reconcile ourselves to the fact of sin as the only explaination as to why Jesus Christ came, and as the explaination of the grief and sorrow in life.



add onns//

okays. gillian needs to study, but she's uber distracted. by the lures of internet and e-on. darn, must have been because i talked too much about him yesterday. agrhhhh!!!!!

anyways, i just realised that im really like getting out of touch with ppl. like john foo's gg to be enlisted next week!!! like OMG! haha. well, it always seemed that he's only sec 3 (the period when i used to talk to him) and poof! when i read his blog after like 1 year since i last read, he's going to be enlisted. haha. sheesh.

coming to a point of realisation that im actually getting old. haha. =)

and dear steffi, i so totally understand what u mean. *grrr to my back*

like my back is hurting me (at least it got better i think) cos i forgot my back cannot be massaged even when aching and now it's irritating me. oh why oh why did i forget that?!

ya, if u read my posts 2 years back, you would know that i injured my back when i did sit-ups last time. and that time when i went for a full body massage in batam, i came out yowling in pain, when ppl came out super shiok. zzz.


gillian sometimes wonder if all that she is going thru is normal...

like she's happy again cos God comforted her just now and quelled her despair... after He stripped all her masks away...

sounds crazy? ya. i think it's crazy too. but then God moves in ways we cannot fathom.

haha. had a very good and long chat with joycelyn at the bus stop because gillian talks ALOT and we dun really wanna go home. haha. naughty girls. and we were giggling and luffing about our experiences in church and at alter calls all the way until the ppl there think we all are mad. haha. yups.


feeling super crap now. like crap and crap and crap.

didn't get to go on board doulos and was really, like totally pissed off (not because i didn't go on board doulos).

pissed off cos i felt that i waited like an idiot for almost a full hour and i hated it when that person didn't even tell me at all that that person will be late and told me that she would pick me up in 25 mins.

anyway, ppl break their promises all the time, don't they?

it makes me wonder why then do ppl trust others then? when all they get is hurt when the promise is broken.






sigh, forgot to take pict of my model!!! argh. and it's like 3/4 gone? oh wells.

yup. gillie's happie cos she finished her LD II presentation and alo cos she finally felt that she's in God's presence in prayer meeting since XXX date ago, and then also cos of e-on. not that he did anything, but then seeing him makes me feel recharged (may not last an extra day tho) and happie!!! haha.

but i felt really terrible that i didn't talk to him much just now, cos was talking to zhen yuan abt our (but mainly mine) future prospects then i thought he wanted to say sth to me..then i had to leave cos mom was waiting rather impatiently downstairs and he was..bz. and so i didn't say bye to him!!! argh. just realised...nvm. will see him in another 12 hours. haha. =)

haha. anyway, melvin's been bugging me to go for christmas party (which i really cannot/ don't want to go cos of camp) and well, i'll tell u the second half of the story if u ask me.

yup. that was basically my day.

some other thoughts running thru my head now...but i think i shall not post them up cos it's a sensitive issue


sth that struck me during devotions yesterday...











argh!!!!! i just realised that jasmine's (and the rest) stuck in chiangmai!!! *sob sob*

rawr. well, i guess that it's a really an eye opener for them. like to see that there are dangers frauded around hidden in the real world. well, pray that they will be safe and that they might be able to see that God is real and protecting them at all times.

well. other than that, gillian's really appreciating autocad le! yay.

yup. *missing jasmine*

it's like strange to see all the prom picts on their blogs; like it wasn't too long that they were sec 2s and 3s, and now they are all ready to step into a new phase of life.


didn't have DG with jia qi in the end. but at least i had a good lunch with cass and had some retail therapy @ taka while getting stuff from art friend.

yup. and gillian's happier today, well, not totally because of above reasons but she felt that she was in God's presence and also she realised/felt that she did not like e-on for the wrong reasons. yay. as in like him as a friend. hahaa. nothing more, nothing less.

and 2 weeks more to HOLS!!! yay! but it means that datelines are here and exams too.

haha. okays. now rushing LD, and ya lors, gillian can draw better at this kind of crap hr. BUT she drak coffee like this afternoon and she's abit groggy now. argh.

and oh ya! gillian's learning another rhythm on drums! 2 rhythm in 2 weeks!!! haha. *surprise surprise* never expected myself to learn drums cos i nv liked noise in the past. well. master drums then i shall go on to master driving. cos drums teach me how to master hand- leg coordination.

and it was cass' and luke yan's birthday!! yay. HAPPIE BIRTHDAY!!

okays. end of update. back to work.