it's really tiring.

but point is that i felt that i haven't really been doing much this week, other than going school for lessons, having DG and attendng SMAD and rushing genetics homework and project and tried studying for plant propagation and of course gg for cell, prayer meeting... ya! that was basically all i did.


i guess i totally felt like michele, but maybe cos i don't formulate my thoughts and feelings out, that's when im carrying my burdens alone and still think that i have the strength to function normally when im like in near total dysfunctionailty.

gillian needs to learn how not to lean not on her own understanding and trying to shoulder everything and then run away frm everything when she feels like she cannot take it anymore.

Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.- Proverbs 3:5,6


it's really a time for me to learn to grow up and learn.

When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things. -1 Corinthians 13:11


not by my own power, not by my own strength, not by my own might.


some things are just so hard to be explained. sigh.

like the things that you have to do but yet procrastinate, and then the to do list just gets longer.

rawr. feelings have been very inexplicable for the past few weeks and i think it's not getting any better.

like the 5th and 6th dec thing just seemed so far from me and i really cannot see anything coming near to me. visions now just seemed so far off from me, even tho i know that they will come true. sigh.

learning to wait upon God in and out of season.


The habit of rising up to the occasion

Remember what you are saved for- that the Son of God might be manifested in your mortal flesh. Bend the whole energy of your powers to realise your election as a child of God; rise to the occasion every time.

You cannot do anything for your salvation, but you must do something to manifest it, you must work out what God has worked in. Are you working it out with your tongue, and your brain and your nerves? If you are the same miserable crosspatch, set on your own way, then it is a lie to say that God has saved and sanctified you.

God is the Master Engineer, and He allows the difficuties to come in order to see if you can vault over them properly-"By my God I have leaped oevr a wall".God will never shield you from any of the requirements of a son or daughter of His. First Peter 4:12 says, "Think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you". Rise to the occasion; do the thing. It does not matter how much it hurts as long as it gives God the chance to manifest Himself in your mortal flesh.

May God not find whines in us anymore, but may he find us full of spiritual pluck and atheletism, ready to face anything He brings. We have to exercise ourselves so that the Son of God may be manifested in our mortal flesh. God never has muesuems. The only aim of life is that the Son of Godmay be manifested, and all dictation to God vanishes. Our Lord never dictated to His Father, and we are here not to dictate to His Father; we are here to submit to His will so that He may work through us what He wants. When we realize this, He will make us broken bread and poured-out wine with to feed and nourish others.

yup.

God, i know you are definitely working through in my life, but it's just so hard to surrender myself to You.

how many times did You see those slient tears- tears that almost made it out of the brims of my eyes, only to be swallowed into the stomach?

how many times when You were silent when I called out to You so that I could grow?

and the times when i pleaded that You take that cup away from me?

the moments deep into my anguish, You lifted me out and dried my tears.




gillian is exasperated. but before i start ranting, just some quick updates.

friday evening: met up with some primary sch classmates on fri, but couldn't stay for dinner tho cos of prayer meeting and gillian was late but anyways, went on a wild walk to the wrong bus stop trying to take bus 64 but anyways, good thing that she think she didn't miss the part where God wanted her to be there.

sat evening: had a great time fellowshipping with vicky over and just talking about some characteristics that the 89'ers in harvester has. haha. ok la. i think i kind of fit in the bill too, so yup. yay.

okay. as to why gillian's exasperated, it's due to some ppl who has irritated her really badly during lunch time and she hates ppl who can't make up their minds. and also been feeling that she's been attacked by satan. which is the most IRRITATING THING. rawRRRRRRR....


yes. and she was on the verge of giving everything up (again, within a month, which i really cannot fathom why..) God has graciously shown her a verse..

For ye know how that afterward, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected: for he found no place of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears.

Heb 12:17

sigh. yup. and gillian is having pre- monday blues.


some quick updates on this week...

met timmy for dinner on wed, and LM yesterday.

well, had too much time to spare cos dhanen was still sick and class and class was cancelled so went over to ikea just walk around and get some stuff. and then as it was still very early, so decided to just bus down to zion and just take some time to just reminiscence the good old times there for the last 4.5 years... yup.

i never knew taking bus 93 to church was such a happy thing (okay la, i've always appreciated taking the bus too) and just letting the breeze blow past me and letting the thoughts run thru my head.

as i walked around and discovering the changes over the last 5 months, i just felt that it was too peaceful. maybe too peaceful for comfort. like there's a lack of sth, lack of drive and that willingness to go deeper- being lukewarm.

sitting at the bell terrence and wondering, i find myself thrashing some things that was stirring in my heart; the issues that i felt that i couldn't think thru.

yup. anyway, enough of all the reminiscence of that...and yup, dinner with timmy's been great, like just having a great fellowship with a fellow brother-in- Christ and some catching up to be done. and yup, he's gonna be a daddy in march! yay! =)

haha. lappie's dying.. will update again. =)


so much to say/ blog, yet when i want to say/ blog it, nothing comes out.

it's so exasperating.

yup. like i feel that i can't express the whole idea out in words. and it's definitely getting very fishy, cos it's quite unnatural for me to be unable to express myself.

actually, i feel that my actions has been unnatural to me for quite a while already...


yay. had DG with chia yee, and i think it was good. haha. at least im not so tensed and i guess, the atmosphere was pretty light.

yup.

really felt that the last few days alot of things are happening... like felt that i was continually being spiritually attacked.

zzz.


854th post!! woah. this blog has been around for so long!!!

anyway, this weekend was pretty exciting, considering that the poly zone had games for oikos (wah, i tell u, it really felt like the old YF la!! *sighs*) and it was my grandma + aunt's birthday celebrations on sat and powerful servces on sunday.

but of course, alot of things happened in between and maybe won't update cos im v shag, (having headache) and it's pretty personal and some things cannot be explained here.


gillian is very very tired. and is on the verge of dying/ giving up HLM.

sigh. for a 35% project for a 1.5 credit unit module, that seemed not very wise.

sigh sigh. and the best part is that im like 3 days late in submission.

and the projects that im owing is starting to pile up. like a 1 pt perspective drawing for graphics and communication 2 due like yesterday, a 2 page report plus design yet to be done for aboriculture, 2 lab practs and a poster on meiosis for plant breeding and genetics yet to be done, a plot of land to be worked on for Landscape Design 2 yet to be found, X no.of pract homework for Plant Nursery Management yet to be done, SDPN and CAD project yet to be brainstormed for, common test for PNM yet to be studied for, arbori test yet to be studied, PBG yet to be revised... and i hope the list ends here.

great. and yeah, and maybe im glad that i only have 2 weeks and a term before i go for attachment. cos, all these stuff are killing me.

rawr. and i feel like im going on a strike soon. against landscape design. for making me draw so much, and my eyes are like so stressed.

yup. and the clique wanted to know more about e-on. yup. and ya, im too tired to think about him. hehe. but that doesn't mean i dun like him. but yeah, at least i noe i have the peace of God when i think of him. haha. true love doesn't bring you on a roller coaster ride, but rather, the feeling of it is sweet, yes, but also a sense of security and peace.

1Cor 13:4-7 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

yup. and back to work.

add onns//

now it's 0537 and i finished my project like 10-15 mins ago!!! yay. after all that torture. like i couldn't sit still to concentrate to do it... like i sort of facebook-ed, plus chatting with lynette, and slping for abt an hr.

rawr. one down, so many more to go...

SDPN project, 1 pt perspective drawing, 2 page report plus design, 2 lab practs and a poster on meiosis, find a plot of land to be worked on, X no.of pract homework, SDPN and CAD project, PNM common test, arbori test, revise PBG...


well, still tying up the last parts of the softscape. yep.

anyway, saw some of the younger ones from church in sch yesterday (tuesday) and was like a nice surprise. yup. but the funny thing was that it was in front of ed.

not that meeting angelia and the rest was weird, but being high and happy in front of him has been pretty weird for the last 5 weeks (whoa, i nv knew that i've not spoken to him for 5+1 weeks + 2 months hols = almost 4 months in total!)

well, felt that God wanted me to speak to him and at least get back to talking terms, but i guess i refused. because i felt that i'm always the one who takes initiative to talk about our feelings and stuff. but i guess God reminded me during QT that i should not be seeking just me myself and i and for my own justice.

...nv seek to find justice in this world but nv cease to give it to the
world...

- Oswald Chanmbers, My utmost for His highest

so ya. maybe i should just take the initiative to start the opportunity to let the process healing begin.

a song to share, cos it's a song that ministered to me during the 1st round of healing. In Your Presence

(Chorus)
In Your Presence
That’s where I am strong
In Your Presence, O Lord my God
In Your Presence
That’s where I belong
Seeking Your face
Touching Your grace
In the cleft of the rock
In Your Presence O God

I want to go
Where the rivers cannot
Overflow me
Where my feet
Are on the rock

I want to hide
Where the flood of evil
Cannot reach me
Where I’m covered
By the blood

I want to be
Where the schemes of darkness
Cannot touch me
In Your Presence, O God



add onns//
it's always strange how u wished to get something that u cannot get and not wish for it when u have it.

and i guess, im really skeptical abut this whole thing but im gonna trust God. yup.

isn't strange when u always thought that u dun like him then the feeling comes back again? but this time it's different cos i sense the peace of God within me. =) and to know more, ask me. haha.


in the midst of rushing for softscape project. but just wanna thank God at how much i've done for at least the past few hrs. =p

and my mind off e-on. =)

gaahh... i feel that im spiritually attacked that was manifested in the physical world. *will only elaborate if u ask me*

yups.

i will rush back to work or start talking to michele before i start tinking of e-on. haha.


feeling very nua today, and cos it was raining too.

rain, rain, go away, come again another day

had a sudden urge to go ikea with jasmine or, myself/ go cut my hair. but then im lazy to step out of house and considering the fact that i ponned class today too doesn't really help, either.

God, i feel like im ruining my semester. gaaahhhh.

and...i hope wad im wishing for is real.

add onns//

went to ikea to get some stuff today and gillian was a happy girl cos she went ikea!! haha. see, an easily satisfied gurl here.

and she was thinking about e-on and she just felt that she was overly slow again. sigh. but it's okays.

haha. shall not think of e-on anymore.


RAW-VEMBER!!! yay!!
presents: (watch in sequence!)

The LAUNCH!

PURE?

Whole?

THE REVEAL!

ya, forgot about the dinner talk on thurs with justin and kelvin fong, which was very funnie and also helped cleared some of the lies i've been telling myself (no more condemnation!) too (wad it was, i really cannot say.). =) thanks bros!

yay. and so gillian was once again a happy girl over the weekend.

so happy that the friends [our dear nisa and hongyi] could easily believe that i have a boyfriend if i told them that i have a boyfriend. lol. (well, Jesus claimed me [okay, the church] as His bride.) =)

haha. ya. and i believe the clique would too, if they came to sch yesterday.


thank you God, for the things that u spoke to me thru crusade. cos i'll nv be able to see light at the end of the tunnel.

well, finally. i felt the sense of liberty as dillion was sharing in LM about having no condemnation. =)

God speaks in various places! yay!

anyway, haven't been in sch much this whole week cos i had v bad headaches and blurred vision. so finally went to the polyclinic to see the doc about it and was referred to the eye center only to hear that the diagnosis was due to stress!!! zzz. wad a waste of my time.

yup. and the doc who attended to me looked, sounded and talked like.... LINCOLN!!! *faints* and before i had time to recover from the shock, he was like bombarding me with questions. yup. but at least my eyes ain't that bad to tell that it's not him. haha. no la. this prof. is the older, taller and leaner version of lincoln.

yup. so i need to learn how to destress if not im not only getting blurry vision and very bad headaches, im also gonna feel real nausea too. and then i feel like it's the end of me.



yup. the one of the passages for my devotions just now.

feeling not so downcast already, and i guess, like what Oswald Chambers said, we are not tempted to do wrong, but to be tempted to be doing something that is against the nature of God, i.e. to devalue ourselves (okay, i paraphrased here, cos i cannot rmb wad was the exact words used.)

yup, and the challenge here is to whether i will be like the many disciples who turned their backs on Him when troubles came...

Joh 6:66 From that time many of his disciples went back, and walked no more with him.


i just dun understand things.

well. i dun even noe what i should be feeling.

feeling lost and tired. but can i stop running?

with great power comes great responsibility. how can i not know that?

to run away from all this is cowardice; but, if i cannot even see the light at the end of the tunnel, how can i walk on?

sigh.






feeling pretty screwed up.

like i don't even know what im doing anymore. like im here trying to be obedient (okay, plus minus-ing of any of my inputs), and then having this feeling that i screwed up big time.

man. what's wrong?

okay. maybe i fear having my own feelings mixed into this. and u think that i like you.

but the thing is, i know that i don't like you. ya. i don't.

okay. ya, the next part i cannot say cos i dunno if u noe anot and im not going to destroy the plan with my big mouth.

and then u might go, "what plan?" and if i say that it's God's plan, u might think im bonkers.

cos i myself think im turning into one soon. and then before i type this, i get admonished by the Holy Spirit.

then u think, this girl is really crazy! all the talk about God's plan, Holy Spirit, and destroying the plan... wad's next?

and i tell you, i dunno.







my soul is in anguish....

for what reason, i can't tell because it's really very serious and i cannot divulge for fear of making a mistake.

but God reminded me that why should i fear man, if His for me? yet, i fear, because they are my authorities and after all, they are much wiser than me.

as i type this, God reminded me that i should let no man (including myself) despise my youth (1 tim 4:12)

im really at a loss of what to do.