YESTERDAY:

Titus: Hey Gillian! quite suprised to see you here!

Me: Yeah, hey hey!

Titus: So why are you here for Prayer and Praise?

Me (akwardly): er, cos Cindy invited me?

Titus: oh, can I then invite you to all our 1030 service?

haha. that was pretty funny. yeah, but anyway, thanks titus for that invite tho. *appreciates* at least i noe that i can always count on brothers and sisters-in- Christ like him. =)

anyway, i felt that God wasn't that pleased with me going back somehow. like He called me out of Zion and then i was like keep running back there. yeah i noe, Zion's really my comfort zone and i need to step out of it now if i want to see spiritual growth as God has planned.

and i guess that was like the main reason why now cell has been changed to sat, 5 pm. so that i'll have to go for youth service and then cell and not YF cos of timing reasons. hur hur.

it's just like being called to a mission field. u can't keep going back (or u cannot because of geographical distance) to ur comfort zone. u'll have to learn how to adapt and learn the ways of the people there and how to communicate effectively with the locals.


won't be online so often cos me has been sleeping once i reached home. haha. *pigg*

anyway, gillian has been observing ppl and thinking alot yesterday when she was waiting for crusade room to open. yeah.

i guess i really forgot that i cannot use my standards to measure him because we are ppl of different worlds. we have different ways of thinking and in the 1st place, our identities are different.

i know that im a child of God and i do not need to excel academically (but of course, i still need to try my utmost best to do well) nor to climb really high in the social rung when im not meant to be to gain the acceptance of anyone because i know that my Creator has already accepted me for who i am while maybe for him (and many others), acceptance only comes when you do well academically in the path that you choose and to climb the highest in whatever that u do.

im not saying that exceling academically or climbing the social ladder is bad. it is good, but at the end of the day, do u really feel the satisfaction of what ppl say? or will u feel tiredness, empty and full of regrets that u neglected the other aspects of life?

why are u rushing ur lives without stopping to take a closer look at the things around you? yes, u can say that 'i will be able to do so when i retire, cos that's when i'll have the time and money to do so', but as wad PM Lee says, singaporeans can forget about retiring because we are living longer due to better healthcare and food, and the standard of living here is high, and not forgetting that old ppl are more suceptible to diseases so u also have to set aside money for that.

so if u are not able to retire (provided that u dun really earn alot, or spent too much on luxury when u are still in ur prime or on ur kids or bankruptcy or whatsoever reasons), then when will u get to notice the things around you? even if u get to retire, isn't it abit too late because u have already missed out on the past at least for a good 60 years and u are trying to compensate it with the last 20, 30 years of ur life?

won't ur life then be a waste?

that ur life only consisted of studying, work, work, work (maybe date abit here and there) and more work, then getting married just to continue the human race, then u work somemore to provide for ur kids, then when they are old enough to earn their living, u'll still be working cos u dun want to be a financial burden to them. then u fall ill and u see ur life wasting away, day by day until u finally die or u decide to commit suicide because u see no meaning in life and anyway, u still have to die and the sad part is that alot of ppl do not know what will happen to them after they die.

or that ur life is cut short because u met with an accident and u die, or detoured because an accident took half of u. i.e. paralysed or ammesia and u never fully regained all ur memory or u lost some of the 5 senses then u would never feel the way that it was meant to be felt.

and then u will never get to really live a dynamic and purposeful life that God wanted u to live because u are too busy for anything else anyway and u think that what does God knows anyway; He's not me and i know myself better than He knows about me. (something to ponder: if u believe that there is a Creator, but that He doesn't know u better than u do, won't it be a joke? an eg: if u created a robot with 1000 functions, but the robot is being consistantly used for only 10 functions, will the robot/ the owner of the robot (not you) know that it has another 990 functions that it can work? well, maybe not all the 990 functions if the robot/ owner did not explore futher.)

too busy for ur spouse, ur children, ur family, ur friends, ur pet, ur enjoyment, urself and too busy for God.

when will you, in all ur busyiness, pause ur life and just say 'I will wait upon the Lord all the days of my life and Lord, direct my footsteps and wherever You place me, I will go. ' and 'I need to learn how to appreciate and enjoy the things/people that is surrounding me.'?

He's waiting for you with wide, open arms, but are u willing to take a break from the rat race?

or taking time to notice and appreciate the ppl who have helped u with a few words of thanks and brighten up their day?


when ur heart was brimming with joy.

it was really somthing that i've not felt for a long long time. that joy and happiness that is so hard to be described and felt for those who have not felt it in their entire lives.

that joy when u feel that God is by ur side, and u can come unabashedly, despite of all the things that u have done, knowing that God has already forgiven u of ur sins. and u know that the God of the universe (and bigger) actually noticed you little earthing and He actually said that He loves you and made you in His image and made u this unworthy sinner His child, like this emotion can only be said in one word: OVERWHELMED.

yeah. im overwhelmed by His love, His grace, His mercy for me.

Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us, Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God. (Hebrew 12:1-2)

thank you Lord, for restoring me.


decided to change dress sense for a day from t-shirt and jeans to a dress and it was such a horror cos u have to be really lady like and to me it was kinda uncomfortable. yeah. shall not wear them any time soon, unless absolutely necessary, like prom night.

today caught insects for the first time in my entire life. yuck. okay, the moments of catching them is exhilerating (im serious! i guess it is the same feeling as hunting) but then, to actually see them trying to escape from the container that u encaged them in is just so...cruel.

not that any of us want, but for the sake of enthomology, we have to do it. sigh. for the development and understanding of science, lives and consciences have to be sacrificed.

took neoprints with fang without ed and mabel. cos ed wants to bring the stuff back to sch and work on the model while mabel needs to do pam project. yeah. 4 minus 2. sigh sigh. i was hoping that we could all go out and just unwind together cos i feel that we all need it.

ended up that it was me, fang, sebas, melanie and jamie who continued with window shopping but me fang and sebas got tired and we left the 2 of them to continue shopping at heeran.

oh ya, DG yesterday became personal time with ruth and abigail so i guess, dg will officially start next week, and cell was kinda cool. like the things shared was something close to my heart lars. yeah.


i guess, IS's not very tolerable, but thank God for yue fei and kenichi (yeah, a half jap in my class), if not i would have so totally fallen asleep in class.

haha. too sheltered for the last few semesters from boring and those who uses emphasis on the wrong words/ syllable lecturers.

anyway, i felt that i stepped into the wrong class cos the class is so full of engine and acct. ppl (i was the only lsct student there and then). and the terms that they used in today's class debate was like all economic terms that i could barely understand. and now i must learn those stuff so that i can understand what they say so that i can do my future assignments.

nvm. it was all good at the end of the class.

had SM training today and it was pretty good. =) yeah. and the DG's meeting tml. *nervous* and cell tomorrow. i will survive tomorrow.


anyway, decided to clear previous post by editing it .

oh ya!! forgot to mention in the last post that me and jas went to little india to take picts!! whee. the picts came out quite alright, i guess, but i need to have more confidence in taking people pictures. like im always afraid that ppl would scold me for taking picts, esp when im using a point and shoot camera (i.e. compact cameras) cos it doesn't look professional at all.

so im actually quite glad that jasmine took her SLR out, so that i feel that cos we are together, they will think that im taking professional (arty farty) picts too. (okay, truth is im lors.) haha.

so anyway, had quite a fair bit of blurred picts cos i moved too fast. haha. told u i need more self confidence.

and when jasmine went for annivesary dinner, mom brought me to the railway station to take more picts! cos i didn't feel like going shopping (again! *groans*). again, due to lack of confidence and bad agar-ation due to lcd screen being spoilt, alot of blurred picts.

yeah. so gillian was quite a happy girl on sat. =) now her aim is to try to save/ work / pray real hard for a DSLR camera so that she can gain more confidence in taking the desired photos properly.

work and sch's starting in a few more hours....in another 7 more hours. argh. actually, is just dunno what to expect for IS later, cos it is a new module, global cities. and i really dun have a good impression of the lecturer from the mails that he've been sending.

yikes. to more horrors of sch. =)


feeling that im at crossroads.

like to walk in His plan or to rebel against it.

my heart tells me that i have already rebelled since the day i did not stop it from growing.

to guard it jealously. how hard is that!

it's really a very tough choice.

i really wonder at times why did i like a guy that i shouldn't love? like really.

actually feeling lost for the past few months, cos i seem not to being able to differentiate the voices within me. like i think i messed up big time.

"My sheep hears My voice and they know Me..."

i seemed to have lost my way. or maybe my eyes are covered and ears being subjected to too many voices so that i think im lost.

"for where ur heart is, there ur treasure will be too."

where is my heart right now? i dunno. it seems that i have no impression of it at all.

hmmm. schizophrenia huh? lol. just joking.


gillian was so tired after dinner that she immediately fell asleep when she went home. yeah. that's what a day of model making can do to you.

yeah. thank God for jian min, for sacrificing his gym time to enlighten us on how to do the turf. and also ed, for cracking lame jokes while spray painting the coco peat. like omgoodness! all that thing about turning into Samanea saman at night and transforming back into human by day when there is a full moon. (no wonder he is so good with all the taxonomy stuff and also the top student because his secret identity is Samanea saman lors! no fight liaos la. hmmmmmmph! and i suddenly thought about inuyasha [kawaii!!!])

haha. yeah. and we had fun taking picts with our new photo frame. and fang, u owe me one, cos in the end we didn't take more picts with it!!! must think of new and fun pose also wor! haha.

yeah. i must say it was a great time yesterday with the clique even tho i missed 4K'06 class gathering. (anyway that chinling and pat also nv go. -.-)

can't wait till sch starts. muahahahahahaha. cos we can do more stuff together! yay.


i seriously think that my dear fang is super bent on pulling me and him together, even after i so think that we are only destined to be good friends (at least for now).

i dun want to be rushed into a relationship where i feel that right now what im experiencing is only lust/ infatuation. yeah, i openly admit that lust itself is wrong, and i noe that if i go into a relationship now, it is all for the wrong reasons.

im struggling to keep myself pure now and it would be even harder if im into it.

who knows the struggles? yeah, i might seem very happy on the outside, but anyone noes the thoughts running in my head when no one's around?

i guess that's why God replied no to me.

i so wished that he was there at dinner with me, cos i so wanted to let him have a peek into my world and that christians are just like anyone of the ppl on earth. like we dun talk about the gospel all the time, and we are cool ppl de lors. and also to eat the banana icecream that i was talking about so so long ago.

and i felt that if he dun even want to have just a dinner with my friends who "so happen" to be christians, then i think that next time we are going to have alot of disputes over religion next time even tho right now it is a taboo topic, but i believe it is something that i have to consider now because it may well be the root of all our future disputes. and i dun think this is somthing that can be 'bao rong-ed' by romantic love only because it is where we get our core values and how we view the world.


i officially deem that my ankle's okay. cos it didn't give me much problems when i was carrying buckets of water to clear the mess that the rain has brought about to the corridor. so i think im able to handle the chungkul and the sapling without hurting my ankle later during the wsq test. so yay. thank God for the healing.

maybe fang was right. i'll never know what's in store for me until i actually get myself into it. just like swimming, i'll never know that i can swim until i am willing to take that first step to actually get myself into that pool and learn how to swim.

but....

i don't noe if this is the right pool to jump in. and i fear i might get injured because the conditions of the pool is not right. or worst still, drown inside that pool.

how how??

argh. i dun want to learn how to swim for the wrong reasons, yet if i dun, and misses the opportunity, i might have missed the opportunity forever and regret later.


not twisted, but abit sprained. but i still thank God that it was a slight one and it's feeling better after guai guai staying at home to sleep.

yeah. been thinking alot on how we could bring our relationship to the next step and i found that there is indeed a barrier like what ppl have always said- a spiritual one. it's like a dead end, like there is only certain topics that we talk about and the rest seemed like a taboo. i can't explain clearly but in a way, it's like u want to tell the other person how ur walk with God has been, whether u are facing spiritual battles/ temptations or spiritual highs, yet u cannot tell them clearly because they do not understand (in a sense) why u even chose to stay on this path when ur life is filled with more trials and tribulations and also the struggles/ happiness that comes with following after Him and hence u cannot grow with the other person spiritually in a christian -non christian relationship because they are unable to experience the growth (or rather never experienced) as it was said in the Bible that we are all dead in sin, but because christians acknowledge that we are unable to save ourselves and Jesus is the only way who can save us and hence, we are given a new life.

i guess that comes the verse, 'Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?' (1 cor 4:16)

as for now, i guess, is to slow down and to rethink what do i really want and to seek His will and whether to do it anot.


wah!!! gillian never knew that spending half a day with u can make her so super happy for like one whole day. and she was pondering what that sentance meant.

haha. anyway, today was like a accident prone day for me cos i nearly twisted my right ankle like twice (once in sch and once as i was getting off the bus) and nearly flipped a bowl of curry onto myself after dinner. thank God man, if not i dunno how am i gg to go for the wsq test on thurs.

yeah. blearghx. the class's going johor for a project shopping trip which im not gg!!! anyway, if i had sprained my ankle just now, i also won't be able to go for it also. and i also need time to gather all the materials required for lcpn project while ed's gonna go to johor to see if things there are really value for money.

so far already spent $80 plus at art friend already (including signing up for membership for geting a 10% disc, which is abit cheaper than paying full price). so the rest really need to find from home.

i think me and ed spent more for lcpn project than the year 3s for their LD3 project already lors. oops.


did some tweaking on my kampung and my church camp journey trip photos.


haha.


gillian is happy cos she took some passable pictures. haha. an easily satisfied girl in a sense.


well. not an easy feat when u are on a fast moving bus travelling on the malaysian highway and all u have is just a camera phone. if only i had the front seats maybe i would have better snapshots.


yeah, that was the only regret.


and it's picture time!



Chinese temple beside the graveyard.





Sunset at everly hotel.




retro house near the kampung


for more pictures, go see http://www.flickr.com/photos/gillie/


very proud to say that i know exactly where is the last kampung now in singapore (main island). yeah cos i went out with the cell ppl.

so yeah. lemme introduce them (er no picts of them, but at least names.) so here they go: jeremy heng, yuen mun, teegan, edison, josiah, liangyi, yaojie, qiao zhen, and zhili. oops! and i think i still got ppl whom i haven't met officially in the cell. like...sharon, kang de, yi ming, moses, edwin, shu jun, jonathan and im not sure if there are sumore ppl.

like whoa! it's a huge and a male dominated group. actually, it doesn't matter to me cos it good to hear a different perspective from the opposite gender. and im that type of person who kind of like going against norms.

yeah. anyway, yesterday's service was like combined and honestly speaking, i dun like combined services cos it distracts me. yeah. with all that translation and esp so when i uderstand both languages pretty well. and anyway, i think i may go for evening services @ zion until i think im ready to move over 100% cos i kinda miss ps david's messages as i think im very used to his style of preaching and also i feel that so far i learnt alot from his messages.

yeah. 1 more week before hols end. i need to plan my time wisely.


back from the church camp. yeah.

it was good, i guess. made new friends and strengthened friendship bonds with others.

thank God for the last few days. thank God for that chat with sister dorleen and xinyan (altho it has been short). yeah, and thank God for new friendships with titus, geraldine (not my sister) and joanna. and also a better understanding of roomies.

knowing that it would be the last camp that im attending as a zion 'member' (cos im not officially a member), it made me feel anti social, cos i know that i do not have much time developing relatonships with ppl here and i hate to leave developing friendships dangling in the air.

yeah. anyway, i was moved by titus today, cos jon quek confronted me as to y didn't i tell him i was leaving zion and he only knew thru prayer shift, when titus shared with the ppl in the room to pray for me cos i was leaving. haha. it's like he didn't have to share with the ppl in the prayer room cos it's like we barely knew each other, yet as a christian brother, he kept me in prayer as i prepare to make this move. i think, that is really the beauty of being in a christian community, where ppl pray for one another with a sincere heart and without expecting ppl to know. thanks titus, even tho i think you most prob will not see this post.

and also, we had a very 'memorable' after night games activity, which is finding kenneth fong. haha. senerio was that son was supposed to get wallet from friend's room. worried mom made a fuss when son was not to be seen for 1/2 hr. mom mobilised a youth search party and after 2 hours, relaxed son walked out 0f neighbour's room after watching 2 straight hours of disney channel with neighbour at 4 plus am in the morning.

okays. yeah. tired. think i shall be off soon!

add onns//


as requested by michele, the thing that really impresses on my heart was the line God will not do what you can do and He will do what you cannot do.

many a times, we always ask God to help us to do this and do that, and wonder why they are never answered, here is the reason why.

let's take a miracle that God did and see which is done by humans and which is done by God.

feeding of the 5 thousand.

When Jesus then lifted up his eyes, and saw a great company come unto him, he saith unto Philip, Whence shall we buy bread, that these may eat? And this he said to prove him: for he himself knew what he would do. Philip answered him, Two hundred pennyworth of bread is not sufficient for them, that every one of them may take a little. One of his disciples, Andrew, Simon Peter's brother, saith unto him, There is a lad here, which hath five barley loaves, and two small fishes: but what are they among so many? And Jesus said, Make the men sit down. Now there was much grass in the place. So the men sat down, in number about five thousand. And Jesus took the loaves; and when he had given thanks, he distributed to the disciples, and the disciples to them that were set down; and likewise of the fishes as much as they would. When they were filled, he said unto his disciples, Gather up the fragments that remain, that nothing be lost. Therefore they gathered them together, and filled twelve baskets with the fragments of the five barley loaves, which remained over and above unto them that had eaten. (John 6:5-13)

what did the people do?

• boy brought bread and fish
• andrew got the boy to give to Jesus
• disciples organised the ppl and gave them food
• disciples cleared up after the ppl finished eating

what Jesus did:

• mutiplied the food.

what God could have done:

• food automatically falling from heaven
• food automatically disappeared after eating

i.e disciples could have kiao ka while God provide for his ppl.

why then did He get the disciples to do the sai kang then?

• He wanted disciples to have a part in miracles.

God does not force his will on us because He love us and He want us to do things by our own will. He want us to be a part of His miracles and that's why He will not do what you can do and He will do what you cannot do.

think twice before u act.

okayys. swaying. haha.

nvm.

anyway, went over hcc (the new church im gg to, if u are confused.) for evening service and jeremy was like super nice. wahahahaa. then again, he's my cell leader even tho i cannot make it for cell. yeah. *there goes the doctors* lol. and he was happily joking that my new metal clip looked like foreceps!!! like hey hey! not only he uses that okay...i do too (in pathology class). so at least i noe wad he was talking abt. *hmmmmph*

okay. limit for kidding. anyway, thank God for jeremy cos he was like super duper nice to me cos it's to help smoothen the transition from zion to hcc and to build new relationships so that i dun feel odd around at hcc. thank him for taking time out to talk to me and also accompanying me to behind hcc to wait for my mom even tho it was pretty out of the way for him. okays. dun get jealous (i noe u are, dun lie to me cos i can see that in ur face, fang...haha) cos the behind is pretty quiet and to tell the truth, i also didn't really want to walk alone too after the door opened for me (by jeremy). =p

awww...anyway, it will be the last post of the week cos will be away to malacca for church camp. actually, i didn't wish it was tml....sigh, but i guess, all things must come to an end. i just wish that thru the camp, i will be able to put that nice full stop to this phase of my life. (BUT IT DOES NOT MEAN THAT FRIENDSHIPS WILL STOP HERE. i promise to try to meet up with u ppl as often as time permits)

as i was walking to the back of church (zion bp) just now, i suddenly became very melancholic, cos i just realised it's the last time today that i will actually pass by/walk through all these buildings or just sit at the kopitiams and have a nice lunch with the friends before yf (if i ever attend again) or after service. (like after church camp, it's just taking the car home. so not counted)

ahh....it has been a good 5 years already since i first stepped into zion as a pretty young believer. strangely, i stepped into zion as my 2nd church when i was sec 2, and i leaving there when im in poly yr 2 and after my 2nd church camp and attended 2 full time yf camps. (see the 2s?)

sigh sigh. thank you all for today. thanks to ben lim (if not for u, i would have never come to this church at all), the yd + yf (past and present) ppl, jasmine, julia, joy, timmy, serene lim, and all the rest (if i named every single one...it's gonna be like at least 1/4 of the church already)who were there with me for the last 5 years.


I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because you know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you


a lyrics that i fell in love when i first heard it (disclaimer: it's only some parts). yep, it's kelly clarkson's Because of you.

the words in italics is not meant for anyone who reads the blog. cos it's for other people whom i really hate to the core (last time) and even tho it happened so many years ago, and i seem to be okay, but deep down, im not.

yeah, just a little insight of my innermost core of my heart.


gillian must learn how to put ppl first before herself and learn that there is a time for everything else.

she must learn to stand in between the living and the dead; to interceed for the ppl that she loved so dearly and the not so too.

gillian must learn how to set aside her love for him for now and wait for the perfect timing. yes, it will be hard, but she does not want to shortchange her other half too. she wants to be equipped with all the knowledge and skills so that she will be a better person for him and she also firmly believes that God's using this time to prepare him for her too.

okays. yeah. that was thoughts after devotion this morning at 2 am. and please bang her head if she sidetracks.

P.S regarding the conclusion i was talking about in the last post, this shall be my conclusion for now and really, i need to remember and uphold the promise that i made to God. so the 2nd half of the conclusion will last till then.


don't know if im on the right track.

sighs.

i remembered so clearly that day when u left me walking back to brash besar to find my wallet with my aching feet and the words 'i will never fall for this kind of guy' echoes in my head.

and now this. wad a joke.

oh wells. 15 more days before i come to my final conclusion for now.

i need God's wisdom. i need a sane heart and mind. i need some determination to carry out my decision.

i noe what u think, fang. even tho alot of ppl may think we are meant to be tgt, but if God says no, i will still say no. like wad i said, no matter how painful it may be, i will still pull it out from my heart at the end of the day if we are not meant to be.

even with tears and maybe all the heartaches that i can bear, if there is a need, i will do it. 长痛不如短痛, really. i dun want to give the both of us false hopes. if there is a need, i will be the bad guy even if it goes against my desire.

never thought that this song will actually apply to me, but yeah. my fave band last time, 5566's song, 存在 (chun zai)

你說著 我听著
像海浪打著 沙灘燒著
你的憂傷大于快樂 連彩虹都只剩下一种顏色
我听著 你說著
像刀子划的 隱隱痛著
就因為愛沒有規則 所以心痛了死了回不去了

但是我存在著 我一直存在著
和你一起的照片仍在我的手机上貼著
愛會永遠永遠你說的
离開我的時候卻沒舍不得
我真的存在著 我一直存在著
不管是瘋的气的我受著我緊緊手握著
傻傻陪著守著證明你值得
但我會笑著因為一切都值得

你說著 我听著
像海浪打著 沙灘燒著
你的憂傷大于快樂 連彩虹都只剩下一种顏色
我听著 你說著
像刀子划的 隱隱痛著
就因為愛沒有規則 所以心痛了死了回不去了

但是我存在著 我一直存在著
和你一起的照片仍在我的手机上貼著
愛會永遠永遠你說的
离開我的時候卻沒舍不得
我真的存在著 我一直存在著
不管是瘋的气的我受著我緊緊手握著
傻傻的陪著守著證明你值得
但我會笑著因為一切都值得

我真的存在著 我一直存在著
和你一起的照片仍在我的手机上貼著
愛會永遠永遠你說的离開我的時候卻沒舍不得


1. What do you think an ideal friend should be like?
Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. (john 15:13)

2. If you have a dream to come true, what would it be?
ermm....have all my drems come true. =)

3. Whose butt would you like to kick?
wah...so violent. me is peace loving de. but i'll tell you when that day comes

4. Wat wld u do with a billion dollars?
erm...i'll do alot of things. give some to God/ missions, some to build my ideal career, some to share the love with friends and family and if there is still somemore, er, some to bless the poor ppl in some ulu place and leave some in the bank to collect interest and then the interest use to bless the poor located in some ulu place.

5. Wat's ur ideal lover lyk?
all of him and MUST also love God more than me.

6. Which is more blessed, lovin sumone or bein loved by sumone?
none.

7. Hw long do u intend to wait for sumone you really luv?
is there a chance of us being together?

8. Is there anythin that has made you extremely happy?
duh, if not life would be uber sad. *awwww....*

9. Define the term "friends".
a friend is someone whom you can spend quality time with, and does not expect anything back in return.

10. if the person you secretly lyk is already attached, wat wld you do?
hmmm...slap myself for liking him in the first place and get over him asap.

11. Hw wld u see urself in 10 yrs tym?
wah....i'll be like 29? gosh. maybe happily married? or maybe already spending my eternity with God already. only Gd noes.

12. Who is currently the most important ppl to u?
♥God♥, him(?),friends, family

13. Wat kind of person do u tink the person who tagged u is?
errr...i did this myself.

14. Wld u rather be single and rich or married bt poor?
depends. but most prob i'll rather be married if he's the right one for me.

15. Wat's the first thing you do wen you wake up?
er...hols is to on the com, sch days is to go bathe.

16. Wld you give all in a relationship?
yes, unless if it's to compromise my values and religion, then i'd rather break off the relationship.

17. If you fall in love with 2 ppl at the same tym, who wld you pick?
none. cos that's not love anymore.

18. Wat type of ppl do you hate?
if u are hatable lors *giggles*


let me list down some things that make ppl say i love and hate you to the person they obviously love. (may not be applicable to individual cases; it's just general)

some reasons why 'i love you':

-you brighten up the day with that sparkle in your eyes and that cheery smile of yours

- you make me laugh with every word that you say and it invokes giggles that ppl do not understand when i think back

-you make me feel special and loved with words and actions.

-you go the extra mile to surprise me during the mundaness of life

-you make me feel secure when you are by my side

some reasons why 'i hate you'

-you do not consider about my feelings

-you try ways and means to test my reaction towards you

-you expect me to say yes to you about the same things when your body language says no to me.

-you do not make a clear stand over the grey areas

-you do not even try to assure me that you are not dating someone else; hence the inner turmoil of 'am i snatching someone else's bf?' and 'i dun want to be the third party, but i love him too much to leave him'

-you expect me to take initiative over every single emotional- related issue.

okays. that's so much i can think. after listing down all the reasons, i find that the reasons why i hate you is good enough to overrule almost every single reason why i love you. haha.

maybe that's only for me.

okayys. im supposed to find my txp stuff for ruth. and here i am blogging and doing knitting (just now, but finally, after wad seemed like eternity). oops. haha.


exhausted.

think more of phsically than emotionally, but they are pretty much interlinked.

napped just now...but i think i going to sleep again. i noe im a pigg, but hey! i haven't slept much during the term.

yeah. okay. ermm.... didn't feel like blogging and my thoughts are all over the place also.


tired and going to sleep.

but before i do that, shall update abit.

went out with fang today and we went past david's restaurant today and i was hit by a realllyyyy nice smell!!! like wah... wanted to go in to say hi to david and lincoln, but didn't see them (presumely busy in the kitchen also) so didn't go in to say hi.

then went shopping with mom and got 3 pairs of footwear and a top. haha. yeah. but i wan't in the mood to shop also and was having a bad headache too.

yeah. wanted to zoom off to lala land just now, but had promised fang just now to be online, so yeah, here i am lors. yeah. and now she's in lala land already. haha. okays. shall be off to meet her in lala land.


feeling like crap. not becos of common tests cos i've just ended them.

oh wells. i really dunno why u are avoiding me and maybe till the point of being enemies already.
i really dun know why have things become like that. i missed the days where we would take the bus home together, the days where we would just talk, even it's about work and that sparkle in ur eyes when u are talking about ur passion towards the work that you are doing.

now, we have stopped short from becoming estranged, save for the few projects that we are working on and that sparkle seems to have disappear and your tone seems to change when im around.

alas, gone were the days where we were so comfortable with each other. instead, what came to take it's steed is an estranged relationship.

sigh sigh. why have things come to this stage?

add onns//

did u know that my heart breaks whenever i thought/speaks about you? it has never occured to me that u are the one who has changed. never in that past year had i thought about that.

it seemed like yesterday how we went about in sch as freshies and being around together since day one. i thought we could be best friends even if age has caught up with us, yet, it had to turn out this way.

never had i grieved so much for a loss of a friend so much. you led me had my first of everything- from being the first friend whom i've found in 1G01 2007, the first who had let me through a rollercoaster ride of emotions to being the first whom im pissed at the longest, to the first special friend whom i loved so much- only 2nd to the One i love the most, to the first friend i respected the most.

now, it seems like you are gone. the good old days of fun and laughter are gone.

a song that speaks my heart now. Westlife's seasons in the sun.

goodbye to you my trusted friend
we´ve known each other since
we were nine or ten
together we´ve climbed hills and trees
learned of love and abc´s
skinned our hearts and
skinned our knees

goodbye my friend it´s hard to die
when all the birds are singing
in the sky
now that spring is in the air
pretty girls are everywhere
think of me and i´ll be there

we had joy we had fun we had
seasons in the sun
but the hills that we climbed were
just seasons out of time

goodbye papa please pray for me
i was the black sheep of the family
you tried to teach me right from wrong
too much wine and too much song
wonder how i got along

goodbye papa it´s hard to die
when all the birds are singing in the sky
now that the spring is in the air
little children everywhere
when you see them i´ll be there

we had joy we had fun we had
seasons in the sun
but the wine and the songs like the
seasons have all gone
we had joy we had fun we had
seasons in the sun
but the wine and the song likethe seasons have all gone

goodbye michelle my little one
you gave me love and helped
me find the sun
and every time that i was down
you would always come around
and get my feet back on
the ground

goodbye michelle it´s hard to die
when all the birds are singing in
the sky
now that the spring is in the air
with the flowers everywhere
i wish that we could both be there

we had joy we had fun we had
seasons in the sun
but the hills that we climbed were
just seasons out of time
we had joy we had fun we had
seasons in the sun
but the wine and the song like the
seasons have all gone
we had joy we had fun we had
seasons in the sunbut the wine and the song like the
seasons have all gone
we had joy we had fun we had
seasons in the sun
but the wine and the song like the
seasons have all gone


have i said the wrong thing that you are avoiding me all these while?

i really don't know. maybe i didn't explictly spelt out what i was thinking that day on the bus, or maybe u didn't understand.

sigh. i hate that awkwardness when the rest are not around.

i wish that u can talk to me like we did last time. can't you just see that im waiting for you to make that first move? i wished that u knew all the emotions that you have put me thru.

anyway, i need to study for PPE. yucks yucks yucks.


add onns//

sometimes i really dun know wad u want. i just hope that u would really tell me how u really feel so that i can move on emotionally and unlike now, hanging on to a hope that i cannot see far.


yeah. i noe i should stop talking too much about him.

okays. no more about him. at least for now.

haven't touched ppe and biochem's not getting into my head. and lcpn's not done.

argh!!!

and so why am i here? i've got no idea.

haha. it's becoming an addiction. sigh. like i cannot do anything else if i've not blogged.

yeah.

can't wait for hols to start!!