1. How do you feel of being tagged?
actually okay, but then i feel bombarded cos this is actually the second one that fang tagged in a row...hmmmmph.

2. How do you feel now?
normal + abit sick, at least i dun feel like killing people.

3. If you can fulfil one wish, what would it be?
that all my wishes will come true. lol.

4. Who are you thankful to?
God plus some people , i guess.

5 important wishes for now:
hmmmm...
- be close to God
- forget him if he's not the one that was planned by God
- more hols
- dun want to see some people
- be a millionaire so i can do alot of things (haha.)

6. If you can turn something in the past back, what would it be?
why raise hopes from things of the past?

7. What are your main priorities now?
idk. currently messed up, but it would preferably be God, family and friends and studies and maybe having someone special.

8. What makes you happy?
that's for u to find out. if i tell you, then there's no sincerity that u want to know me as a person yourself.

9. What do you wanna change in you?
alot. like stop falling for the wrong person and maybe to be a better christian.

10. What song can represent your feelings now?
hmmm...alot. and i dun know the title.

11. What type of person you hate most?
im in no position to hate anyone cos i am not perfect myself, but i really dislike ppl who dun take their promises/ words seriously and ppl who makes me pissed off.

12. Are there anything you wish to confess now?
nope. cos i've already done so.

13. What is your definition of your dream house?
heaven. go check out how cool it is to be in close proximity with your Creator and seeing Him face to face everyday for eternity after eternity.

14. Who will you go to when you are feeling low one day?
erm...depends why am i feeling low.

15. What you hope to achieve?
hmmm. to be called faithful by God and help whoever i can in my life.

16. What age do you wish to marry?
not too old. maybe 24? then again, i dun even know whether i'll have a steady at that time.

17. What do you regret most in your life?
hmmm...nothing. not as if regretting will help in any way if there is no follow up to salvage the situation.

18. Who made you angry for the pass few days?
er,i hope u noe who you are. but then again, now im not that angry le.

19. What are you afraid of?
fried insects and yucks.

20. Do you speak singlish to ang mohs?
yep. i think i will add all the la, lei, lors.

Instructions: Remove 1 question from above, and add in your personal question, make it a total of 20 questions, then tag your friends who had not done this. Whoever has the tag, will have blessings from all. ^_^

i shall be nice and not tag anyone.


shall not talk about him anymore. yeah. cos my life does not rotate about thinking of him only.

been faithfully working day and night on my scarf, and im quite glad it's about to finish soon! yay. then can start doing other things like knitting a sweater and a blanket for my darling niece or making sth for jen as a wedding prezzie.

yep. been hetic, and school's about to start in another 1 1/2 weeks time!! gosh. time reallie filies. and there's still quite alot of things not yet done. argh!!!

and i think there's a bug/ virus around the hse. my dad and i both fell ill. blearghx. down with fever. argh again. hope to be well enough to enjoy outing. yeah.

so many things to be done yet so little time. blearghx.


edits//

okayys. that was definitely a rant. nothing more and nothing less.

typed that post when i was feeling super miserable. yeah. i noe u all can see that.

anyways, feeling better after that post and really, i cannot figure out why im so (can i use the word 'obsessed' here?) with you.

surely there must be a reason for everything. well, almost.

i hope i haven't spoilt anything with my outpouring of emotions yesterday. if my lappie's was not down for repairs, i would have typed all that in my virtual diary and not here.

yeap. i'm really afraid of losing you as a friend.

anyway, no point crying over spilt milk. wad's done's done. if i could turn back time or have the ability to erase memories, i would have done so to myself long long ago and maybe i would not be facing this situation.

haha. im really negative in this post, especially when the outcome is still unknown. but then even when i've got what i've wished, but will the people around me be happy with my choice? idk. offhand, i noe some would and others wouldn't.

argh!!!!! this is really killing me...


im so so so so so tired.

as in emotionally. these past few days has been an emotional roller coaster ride.

sometimes i really think that i brought this upon myself. for not being able to let go of so many burdens in my heart and getting affected by ur words when i think through them when im all alone.

im always okay when u're around, never when u're not.

actually, i really dun understand why i persist on holding on to things when i noe that it's never going to happen, especially in the near future. it's really making me miserable. really miserable and it's starting to affect my relationship with God.

everything i do, i think about u, for u, what would u do, or how ur reaction would be like. it's killing me. like what i said sometime back, who are u to me that i should care so much?

now, you are the only person who can dramatically change my moods. please, i beg you, spare me from this misery. actually, i really dun want to just be ur close friend, but if u dun feel the same like i do, please tell that straight in my face so that at least i noe how u actually feel and that i dun have to keep on guessing and feeling so miserable not knowing how you feel.

the deadlock in my heart; only you can untangle it, be it for the better or for the worse.

the ball is now in your court; the longer you dun resolve, the longer i will feel miserable. becos i really cannot see how should i walk on from here.

add-onns//

anyway, i can almost guarentee that you noe who you are, so yeah, im going to add on more of my thoughts. for those who dunno, it's okayys. cos it's not for you either, because if possible, i would have made this post private and only for him to read it only.

today (yesterday) you asked me if i had anymore things to say and i really really wanted to say everything that is on my heart, but then as the story goes, i didn't.

i noe you loved us to XXXX, but then, i know that you would be more troubled if i said everything out. i noe you want to concentrate on work/ studies and i respect your decision for that matter. anyway, this add on is just to tell you that im willing to wait for you, if you tell me so.

gosh. i can't believe that i said such a thing!!! but yeah. i mean every word that i say. urgh.


took up knitting cos fang and mabel influenced me! like omgoodness. looked easy. but heh. it's a tough job. better appreciate when u buy knitted clothes/ apparels.

sigh. today was a emotional roller coaster.

tired physically and mentally.


piangs. i feel so so so dumb for 2 main reasons.

first of all, i tot the module ranking is at 0830 when it was supposed to be at 0800 so all the hot cakes were gone by the time i went there...but thank God at least i got at least one that i wanted. totally screwed up in the process for the ranking.

next, it just (lemme emphasize on that word again, just ) so occurred to me that all along u were talking about me. blearghx. like i so dun believe that im that dumb. but yeah. i guess i dun take too well to hints.

argh!!! if only i could have guessed it earlier. but then again, i dunno la. my mind's in a whirl now. yeah, but i guess, i didn't pass ur tests, did i? (yeah, i noe im a super negative person, but it's good not too have too much expectations at times cos it really hurts when ur hopes are dashed)

i so want to let the world noe how much i loved you, and yet, i can't. it's painful. yeah.

suddenly thought about God's love for us. like how does He feel when we don't acknowledge Him as our Creator God or even just acknowledging His love for us? hmmm. yeah. wad is agape love? how can our finite love be transformed into this kind of love- the love that held Him there on the cross for all our sins on that Friday?

So let me say how much i love You; oh my Saviour, my Lord and Friend.


felt quite upset (as in the sad type, not angry) with some people at yf yesterday. like i could feel God's heart breaking yesterday and i guess i was pretty much emo walking towards the mrt station. yep.

had a good time a the gathering yest, cos met up with the forum friends and got my Saintpaulia ionantha 'Gillian'!!!! yay-ness. muahahahahahaha.

yep. so far, that's all my brains could churn out.


The DIFFERENCE
--------------------------
Science and God

'Let me explain the problem science has with Jesus Christ.' The atheist professor of philosophy pauses before his class and then asks one of his new students to stand.

'You're a Christian, aren't you, son?'

'Yes sir,' the student says.

'So you believe in God?'

'Absolutely.'

'Is God good?'

'Sure! God's good.'

'Is God all-powerful? Can God do anything?'

'Yes.'

'Are you good or evil?'

'The Bible says I'm evil.'

The professor grins knowingly. 'Aha! The Bible!' He considers for amoment.

'Here's one for you. Let's say there's a sick person over here and you can cure him. You can do it. Would you help him? Would you try?'

'Yes sir, I would.''So you're good...!'

'I wouldn't say that.'

'But why not say that? You'd help a sick and maimed person if you could. Most of us would if we could. But God doesn't.'

The student does not answer, so the professor continues. 'He doesn't, does he? My brother was a Christian who died of cancer, even though he prayed to Jesus to heal him How is this Jesus good? Hmmm? Can you answer that one?'

The student remains silent.

'No, you can't, can you?' the professor says. He takes a sip of water from a glass on his desk to give the student time to relax.

'Let's start again, young fella. Is God good?'

'Er...yes,' the student says.

'Is Satan good?'

The student doesn't hesitate on this one. 'No.'

'Then where does Satan come from?'

The student : 'From...God...'

'That's right. God made Satan, didn't he? Tell me, son. Is there evil in this world?'

'Yes, sir.'

'Evil's everywhere, isn't it? And God did make everything,correct?'

'Yes.'

'So who created evil?' The professor continued, 'If God created everything, then God created evil, since evil exists, and according to the principle that our works define who we are, then God is evil.'

Without allowing the student to answer, the professor continues:'Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things, do they exist in this world?'

The student: 'Yes.'

'So who created them?'

The student does not answer again, so the professor repeats his question. 'Who created them? There is still no answer. Suddenly the lecturer breaks away to pace in front of the classroom. The class is mesmerized.

'Tell me,' he continues onto another student. 'Do you believe in Jesus Christ, son?'

The student's voice is confident: 'Yes, professor, I do.'

The old man stops pacing. 'Science says you have five senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Have you ever seen Jesus?'

'No sir. I've never seen Him'

'Then tell us if you've ever heard your Jesus?'

'No, sir, I have not.'

'Have you ever actually felt your Jesus, tasted your Jesus or smelt your Jesus? Have you ever had any sensory perception of Jesus Christ, or God for that matter?'

'No, sir, I'm afraid I haven't.'

'Yet you still believe in him?'

'Yes.'

'According to the rules of empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says your God doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son?'

'Nothing,' the student replies. 'I only have my faith.'

'Yes, faith,' the professor repeats. 'And that is the problem science has with God. There is no evidence, only faith.'

The student stands quietly for a moment, before asking aquestion of his own. 'Professor, is there such thing as heat?'

'Yes,' the professor replies. 'There's heat.'

'And is there such a thing as cold?'

'Yes, son, there's cold too.'

'No sir, there isn't.'

The professor turns to face the student, obviously interested.

The room suddenly becomes very quiet.

The student begins to explain.'You can have lots of heat, even more heat, super-heat, mega-heat, unlimited heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat, but we don't have anything called 'cold'. We can hit up to 458 degrees below zero, which is no heat, but we can't go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold; otherwise we would be able to go colder than the lowest -458 degrees. Every body or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (-458 F) is the total absence of heat.You see, sir, cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat we can measure in thermal units because heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.'

Silence across the room. A pen drops somewhere in the classroom, sounding like a hammer.

'What about darkness, professor. Is there such a thing as darkness?'

'Yes,' the professor replies without hesitation. 'What is night if it isn't darkness?'

'You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is not something; it is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light, but if you have no light constantly you have nothing and it's called darkness, isn't it? That's the meaning we use to define the word. In reality, darkness isn't. If it were, you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn't you?'

The professor begins to smile at the student in front of him.This will be a good semester. 'So what point are you making, young man?'

'Yes, professor. My point is, your philosophical premise is flawed to start with, and so your conclusion must also be flawed.'

The professor's face cannot hide his surprise this time.'Flawed? Can you explain how?'

'You are working on the premise of duality,' the student explains. 'You argue that there is life and then there's death; a good God and a bad God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, science can't even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life, just the absence of it.'

'Now tell me, professor. Do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?'

'If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, young man, yes, of course I do'

'Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?'

The professor begins to shake his head, still smiling, as he realizes where the argument is going. A very good semester, indeed.

'Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you now not a scientist, but a preacher?'

The class is in uproar. The student remains silent until the commotion has subsided.

'To continue the point you were making earlier to the other student, let me give you an example of what I mean.'

The student looks around the room. 'Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the professor's brain?' The class breaks out into laughter.

'Is there anyone here who has ever heard the professor's brain, felt the professor's brain, touched or smelled the professor's brain? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established rules ofempirical, stable, demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no brain, with all due respect, sir. So if science says you have no brain,how can we trust your lectures, sir?'

Now the room is silent. The professor just stares at the student, his face unreadable.

Finally, after what seems an eternity, the old man answers. 'I guess you'll have to take them on faith.'

'Now, you accept that there is faith, and, in fact, faith exists with life,' the student continues. 'Now, sir, is there such a thing as evil?'

Now uncertain, the professor responds, 'Of course, there is. We see it everyday. It is in the daily example of man's inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil.'

To this the student replied, 'Evil does not exist sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God.It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God.

God did not create evil. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God's love present in his heart. It's like the cold that comes when there is no heat or the darkness that comes when there is no light.'

The professor sat down.


argh. feeling like crap now cos i think im jet lagging. then again, it's only 2 weeks and just an hour time difference. okay, maybe cos im exhaused from the trip too.

hmm. finally attended service after 2 weeks! yay! it's always so nice and safe to be in God's house with His people. dunno, i love going there. =)

went for scones with hot chocolate dips and ice-cream with jas after service today. oohlala!!!! it's so so good man! but i kind of regretted ordering chocolate ice-cream cos i forgot i have a hot chocolate dip. and jas's banana ice-cream was totally awesome. shall go back for more next time. no picts, but i offer to bring anyone who's interested!

yeah man. and im so glad to catch up with some ppl today. =) still deciding if i should go for the gathering tomorrow cos im still groggy from cambodia.


swasday (hellos!)! haha. yep, im back from CAMBODIA!!!!

reached cambodia only to realise that the 'dear' lercturer didn't apply for free wifi so no internet...and the internet cafes i went were pretty lagging. but wad do u expect? USD 1 for an hour, cheap but lagging. good to kill off any itchiness for the internet.

anyway, during the 2 weeks there, i found the reason why singaporean guys would like to marry foreign brides already. gosh, the cambodian girls are so pretty!! and our tour guide, ms vichara (okayy, i dunno how to spell her name) is one very good example. *shall upload when i get the picts...* okay la...the guys are not bad looking too... cos most of the girls in the trip all liked one of the male tour guides too...haha. and ended up taking photos with him before we left for siem reap from phnom penh.(me also no execption cos must jump onto the bandwagon ma..)

the reasons why i love cambodia cos i love their weather (now is the hottest month, so im like tanned! yay.) not becos it is hot, but it is less humid, and their meat is no or very little fats! cos all their chickens all run about in the kampongs and no injections one, so all pretty much scawny, but very nice to eat. and life's there is simple and nice, and easy going, which is so different from singapore. and the people there are nice too. okay, at least the most of the people that i've met there. and other reasons too.

going there is super shiok, cos shopping's good (can bargain like siao, so better show of ur bargaining skills) and the food that they arranged for us is really fit for a king...almost every meal is 10 course-ed (or at least 6 to 7 course)!!! piang...imagine the amount we have to pay if it's in sg!! shiok right??

yeap. and anyway, going to the home is not as scary as i thought to be. managed to mingle with the some of youths there and they are all so sweet okayys. missing them already... yep. and the people there really showed their love and faith in God and really, i feel so inadequate at times when i see the love for Christ being potrayed through them there. really felt that i want to do something for them, yet i do not have the means to help them improve their lives. when i was there, i felt it's very ironic as to why do people get more and more complicated when their lives get more and more comfortable with material goods and money?

had my many firsts in cambodia, like eating so shiok-ly and many spicy dishes in a row, sitting on a motorbike as a pillion rider (and without any saftey helmet!!), first time being around with so many kids and actually enjoying a wee bit of their company, first time away from home for so long and with friends only, first time doing serious bargaining, first time enjoying the beauty of kampong life, first time getting seasick and motion sickness together and first time seeing ppl eating spiders and crickets (oh, ed ate a cricket! blearghx.)and many more.

would love to go back again....dang. i dun mind just going there with money and shop till i drop there. yeah and also helping to boost economy there too.

okay, think that's about all? for more information, please contact gillian @ 8100XXXX. okayys. till next post! leihi! (bye!)


feeling very emo this morning and didn't really feel like talking. yeap. it's always like dat, having all those mood swings and being very emo.

but yeah, im glad that u guys are all around when im feeling strangely stressed up for tomorrow's trip (like OMGoodness! it's tomorrow!!) and all that weird thoughts in my head. like i tot someone was angry with me when the person's not angry with me (thank God for showing me that.)

u noe wad? it doesn't mater whether wad we talk about, but i just feel weird not talking to u. like it's so so so so weird. okayys. that's a very very very bad sign that im getting very comfortable to the point of depending on people.

feeling more 'gillian' now, i.e. more normal.... yeah. and sleepy too....but i still need to pack my luggage!!! wth. *procrastination mood*

add onns//

still haven't finished packing....heh. now only left deciding to take my really HUGE purple back pack or my blue school back pack (and dumping the things in...). yeah.

still not ready to meet the kids there. like still have that sick feeling when i think about it. well, i still have to face them sooner of later...


nv felt more vexed this year. so IRRITATED. darn. too many things' bugging me real bad. argh.

so much for keeping my temper in check.

edit//

i feel like im losing my sanity. it really seems to be affecting me.

where's self control when i need it???

okays. im really really trying, but everytime i try, it seems to get worse and worse. im afraid that im losing wad i treasure more than my life at the end of the day.

okayys, God, see me throught at least after the end of cambodia trip my life.


so weird that im still at home rotting when im supposed to be in sch, taking the qtvr stuff from mr pang or doing someting constructive like packing my luggage or finding out information.

but anyways, still did something a wee bit constructive: clearing out my sd cards for picture taking in cambodia. hopefully able to take some really nice people/ building/ scenary picts there even tho may not have the time to do so in the first few days.

im still preparing my heart to spend time with children there; it's really like one of the last things i would ever be willing to do for the last 18 odd years of my life. like im already almost at a total loss of wad i would say to them even in singapore, and to make things worse, the children there only speak khmer language. errrr....ya. that's something i must try to overcome, i guess.

anyway, thank God im not seeing them for all 8 days of interaction with them...if not i think i would really faint and die. (then again, in the first place, i wouldn't even be on a yep trip if not of the unique-ness of this trip cos we are not building nor painting; we doing up a proposal for land development there.)

yep. wanted to add some picts into this post, but too bad, the com hanged. maybe next time round.

edit//

here are the picts!!

the long pathway outside the lsct staff room...and im actually very surprised that my handphone camera could do this kind of thing...





the younger me. haha. go make a guess how old i was then! all except those who noes are allowed to guess.



yj and me after youth camp. =p so glad my unglam hair is tied up!




edward happily eating breakfast. wahahaha. may u always be this happy and dun let trival things get the better of ur mood. yep.


P.S just realised that all the above picts are taken with my handphone camera!! yay. not bad right? haha. dun even need to photoshop liaos...except my own pict, cos before cropping can see important infomation. wahahaha.

to whom it may concern, thank you so so much for being there for me even after all these. thank you for respecting my decision and helping me draw that boundary and for all the things that you've done. i really really treasure the times spent with you because i noe that we are learning from each other and helping to build each other up. i believe that even when the world misunderstands me, you would be there to encourage me and to fend for me if necessary.


haha, everything seems so easy to say here. blearghx.

it's so tough seeing him, and yet maintaining that invisible boundary. even tho i noe there are really alot of differences in our characters that doesn't fit, but in the realm of feelings, it just seemed to be unfazed by it.

yeap, was praying and fasting about it and God, by His grace, gave me the example of abraham and serai, like how they took things into their hands by giving abraham hagar, who bore ishmael, and caused unecessary trouble when issac was born.

yeah. waiting for God's promised one to come. maybe he may come within a week, a month or even years later, but i guess, it's better to skip all the unecessary pain.

okayy, enough ravings about the matters of the heart. yeah, it's been too many posts delicated to it.

went window shopping with fang, mabel, and edward yesterday and i must say it was quite a fruitful trip, even tho we didn't really buy anything, cos all the things that we saw were like super expensive (for us) because we were just going into isetan, mark and spencer, g2000 and other middle ranged apparel labels to let edward try out wad kind of outfit he would fit best. and i must say he really really looked very good in smart casual (long sleeves and jeans)

yar lors. next time noe wad to buy already. teehee. and im happy that i managed to get edward to look at his best (as far as i noe him) yesterday. haha. it's really a sense of sastisfaction lors to see his image instantaneously change with the help of clothes. lol. maybe i should part time be a fashion consultant. haha. just joking, but i admit i was looking going into this field seriously for a very short period of time before deciding that i should be in hlm instead.

yeah. leaving for cambodia soon, but somehow not feeling very excited about it.


是呼迷失了方向感。

对于他的感觉，我也忘怎么形容了。它就像是水，平平静静，但也有时起上小波浪。不想把一段友谊就这样破坏，也怕踏出这一步， 因为不想伤害到对方。

也不知他就是真命天子，也不知是否爱上了一个不该爱的人。心很乱，很乱。

好想一走了之，但是这是个不可能的选择。就算能够逃得了一时，却逃不了一世。

接下来的日子，也许会有一个答案吧。

edit//

i should really stop deluding myself that he could be the one.

should have known better to nip it at the bud then to let it grow and then regret letting it grow and blossom.

it's not just the fact that we believe in different religions, but the reality of it is that how are we to develop the relationship further is going to be tough, and how are we to connect spiritually if we believe in different things.

if u think im picky, that's because i want to see my mr right in heaven next time (not that i dun want to see my other friends in heaven too), but to know that they will be enjoying the same privileges as a child of God, it really comforts me and that whatever i face in my walk with God, he will be there supporting me and vice versa.

and of course, i wouldn't want him to convert because of my 'pickiness'; i want him to explore and find out for himself wad it really means to be a christian and why do we need the Gospel and not 'cos my gf's a christian then im doing it to please her.'

so yep, with all these reasons, i hereby announce that unless he meets all these requirements and the ones that i expect of a guy, i shall not consider anyone (yes, i mean it) to be of bf material for myself.

*im doing this not because i dun like you, but because i dun want to hurt you futher and i also dun want to give both of us any false hopes.*