argh. today went on pretty well, i thought....of day one determination to uphold the promise....BUT I FAILED!!!

wah....tell u, i wanna cry la...like really. becos i really thot that we could go back to the days that we were, so happy and free...but then i realised i couldn't.

maybe i have been doing this by my strength after wad i have seen God doing. maybe it was my pride that have caused me to stumble; thinking it is ok for me to carry on with the task after round one was cleared by God.

i dunno whether to carry on anymore. my heart says no, and yet my mind says yes. feelings can be deceiving; i dun want to regret following my heart later, but i also feel that this time round it's impossible even tho God says all things are possible with Him.

am i losing my faith? no! dear God, pls dun let my heart grow cold, nor let it harden from hearing thy counsel.

anyway, today went for yep cambodia briefing today, only to realise that what i have all along could be wrong infomation and that wadever that's gg to happen could be sth that i would have never expected. tell u the truth, i feel like chickening out now, but then i can't cos tickets and all are booked and also i NEED TO GET OUT OF MY COMFORT ZONE. meaning that i have to try new things and also overcome my 'phobia' of kids. (i never liked babies since i was a toddler myself and so forth as i grew up and i still dun like them even tho im all right with them if they dun come and irritate me.) okay, at least there are still other people ard, but that still can't really get it off me.

anyway, i haven't even gotten my itinery yet...and maybe my involvement with kids would be minimal as compared with the rest, so ya, everything in God's hands.

dang, im feeling worse than sitting for Os now. at least Os have something to expect,; this doesn't.


really sorted out all my feelings. thanks to those who gave advice, that's God, fang and mabel and timmy.

yep. although he fits almost perfectly into my criteria, but a blemish is still a blemish. im not ready to compromise that blemish when it comes to bg-relationships. so yeah.

and the more important thing was that we both agreed to be good friends, if not 红颜知己. so it doesn't matter whether a third party is involved cos my 原哲is to uphold my promises to friends.

勉强是没有幸福的。just like an enzyme, bg-relationships need to have a lock and key model, i.e. needing a perfect fit for the relationship to work well and for the couple to work 天衣无缝 because the enzyme can only break down one and only one type of substrate. if relationships were to be an induced fit model, it's like one party has to change for the other party like how the active site of the site has to be changed in order to break down the substrate.

i believe that God has the one for each and everyone (okay almost, cos some are called to be celibrate for His glory) and that it is through much prayer and consideration that we are able to know if that person is indeed the one God has planned for you.

i noe it's going to be tough facing him, afterall, like i said, his character is almost perfect in wad i look in guys, but yeah, i will try my best to uphold my promise that i made with him.

like wad timmy reminded me: i have to bear the consequences of my decisions. and im not going to let a bad decision affect my walk with God and His work that He has planned for me to do.


tired, but im sure glad that exams are over. thank you.

experienced numbness in limbs, esp left arm but i thank God for His providence, cos it wasn't distracting me when i was doing my papers. but left arm feels weird when i use it, but i have to use it more frequently before it gets too retarded for anything. (btw, the numbness could be due to pressing of the nerves and also becos i hurt my back before and the slip disc could be pressing against my nerves or sth.)

yep. basically just wants more rest before i embark on the things i have to do during the hols. been burning midnight oil cos i couldn't study at night so when i actually start studying, it would be 1- 4 am and after that, i would wake up at 6 plus so that i can hitch a ride to go to school to meet up with friends to study.

yep. that's the reason for the huge eyebags. but the only good thing out of it is that im glad that during this period of time, i've sorted out quite alot of things and as for that weird thought, i deem that it is not of God and i shall be like nehimiah, to stay and continue to build the wall.


y am i thinking of weird stuff in the midst of my exam preparations?

actually, it doesn't matter when i thought about it, becos i noe that it was never meant to be mine at all.

so close and yet so far.

anyway, i really need to stardeey!!! it's killing me; turning my life topsey turvey and i hate it cos im feeling not at all okayy cos i get gastric pangs and bad headaches and im falling sick.

so totally not in the mood to study. like uh-huh.

i realised i need to talk to alot more ppl. distance is getting wider....blearghx.

and oh ya. my lappie decided to commit suicide and now it has this really HUGE crack across the screen. and i think the hardware's affected too, cos cannot start up at all. so either no com, or using my mom's com. yep.


somehow reading a particular friend's blog just seems to invoke tears even tho nth sentimental nor anything close to anything would make u cry was written in it.

can't seem to pinpoint the reason (even if i did, i think i can't post here too, before he hounds me down.)

bascially, to me it's the saddest blog i've ever read. yeah, maybe that's why i feel such a sense of strong sadness whenever i read his blog.

anyway, he's not in my links but u can ask me tho and i shall decide if i should tell u.




food for thought.


it shouldn't matter whether today's V-day or not. cos u dun only show love to ur loved ones on V-day wad. but nevertheless, ppl are still so fasinated with V-day.

anyway...my heart flew away from me today... but it's not wad u think. anyway, I LOVE JESUS A LITTLE MORE THIS WEEK! yay. not that i dun on other days, but God's been good. like a lover, He tries to bring me closer to Him each day. yay. i can't wait to marry Him. haha. figuratively la.

yep. heehee. anyway, spent my day going back for soil science revision and also on a date with my plants...wanted to have a date with my books, but i wasn't in the mood, so yep.

haha. so much for V-day. nvm. if God willing, maybe next yr's will have someone to spend with. then again, maybe i'll be pia-ing for exams too. =)

anyway, listening to those old old hymns for a change, and they give me another sense of peace. soothing and beautiful lyrics. haha.

wanted to add sth else, but decided against it. anyway, it would be suicidal if i post it. haha.


always procrastinating to blog, but yep, finally did it today.

made something pretty today for extra floristry class today, but im not happy with it cos i redo 3 times hence didn't have the time to enhance it further. sigh. but if i have the vase and the place to put the vase, i'll definitely do it again.

today's mabel's birthday and decided to kope the fleurs from class and make it into a bouquet for her cos i didn't noe. haha. anyway, it's the thought that counts. wahahaha.

went fef with fang and mabel and got my spaggie moss for my orchids and also bring them ard fef and the cold room. but cold room not cold today, so sad.

and in returned accopanied them to bugis and haji lane to just do some window shopping, and we took loads of picts there at haji lane! JASMINE!!! let's go there take picts during ur march hols!! yay. so happy!

cos was wearing heels and it hurt alot so we went over to muji to get flops. wanted to get pink instead of green cos daniel lee has green ones, but fang and mabel said green was nicer and said it was more 'me' so 2 against 1...so i got my green flops! haha. then after that we went home. like -.- cos i could just went home achingly with my heels. but then i guess u'll see more action from those green flops in time to come....

in the meanwhile...doom and dread of the EXAMS looms over us, getting closer and closer while we were happily frolicking in the city.

haha. i shall be off to study...if not zhenyuan will complain that someone shen zai fu zhong bu zhi fu. hahaha. love this brother-in- Christ of mine to bits. =) been listening to all my complaints and random musings about my sister all the time. haha.


oh wells. some ppl just think that 'poof' they are so needed in my life.

blearghx. it's okayys de. im not angry nor do i so badly want to go back.

darn. why are some people like thats one?

cny's just getting on my nerves. dunno why but i just not like cny. siao one. oh wells. gillian's weird, i forgot.

argh. i hate everything now. and maybe my life's kinda in a mess right now.

my life just have the tendency to be messed up after i get things straightened out. wadever. i just hate it.


when u feel all so insecure and lost.

saw a video yesterday at crusade and it really invoked tears naturally (okay most videos shown there makes me cry. dun ask me why.)

talks about how we had a close relationship with Him and we were all so happy and all. and then came bad bgr, friends, partyings, and lonlieness sucked and tore us away from Him. and when we try to reach for Him, we are often being pushed/ held back from meeting Him. and finally we get to be close to Him when He decided to take the rap for us and shielded us from those things that tore us apart from Him.

haha. typing this makes me all teary again. blearghx. oh wells. but yeah. becos we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. (eph 6:4)

a tough battle ahead and it's gonna be long. be strong and of good courage that was wad God told joshua when he took over moses' position to lead the israelites. yep.
anyway, will post more soon. cos im knocking off from work!