This week, work bff kept pushing me to go after J.

It’s been 5 yrs since we first met at dinner when I joined YAYP service the first time, 3 yrs since he first asked me out, and 2.5yrs since we last talked. (And in between all those years, almost zero contact)

I don’t know if I should hold on to him. My mind tells me to let go. But I feel that something good is going to happen between us.

I don’t know if that is the effect of my depression. Like having alot of delusions/ being delusional. Yeah, and it’s making me more depressed, when I don’t know to let go or hold on.

It makes me scared of wanting responsibilities. Like what if I cannot function? I don’t want J to see me in that state. I know that a serious relationship will lead to marriage, and the marriage vows goes like “for better or worse; in sickness or in health...”

I want him to have a wife who can be there for him, to support him. I think I will flag out before hardships come, with that depression.

I like him, but I also don’t want to be always taken care by someone. I don’t know how I could reconcile that.

Dear J, 
I really liked you. Because I liked you so much, I kept pushing you away because I thought you would be happier with someone else.


Why would anyone hold on to a r/s which is their worst nightmare?


hahahahhahahaha. no new post is good news, actually.



While I lament at times about why I wasn't "proactive" with the person I like, but times like these, I realised that my subconscious mind knows better.

Days like these, makes me glad that someone else is not embroiled on the family mess.

Hates it when people "humblebrag" about their lives and then reality is a whole different story. Oh wells, isn't this much like everyone's #storyoftheirlives, just wanna look good on social media.

It's ok. Gillian needs to learn to discern what is real and not, accusatory and negative, truth vs lies. Hates it when things happen and a whole bunch of stuff just floods the brain.

No worries, just letting off steam.


I think I am good at shooting myself in the foot. the things that I secretly ask for most of the time when I'm younger- it's really like "seriously, Gillian?! What on earth were you thinking about?"


Feels like sleeping beauty. Forever tired these days.

If only fairy tales could be real life. Ok, maybe not without data/ wifi.


Needs to "relax, chill, breathe".

sometimes, I need to remember that I have the power to control what is going on in the grey matter.

Even the things that I dun understand or feel like I cannot control.

The days I dun feel myself, or the days when I just have the calmest, most absurd thoughts; it's just a passing phase. It will blow over, when I decide to face them squarely. At least for now I'm glad that I'm not acting out weird stuff against my sane mind.

I can do this. Sometimes I wish I can extend the amount of grace I give to my kids to myself. Like the stress that you give yourself when you see like legitly everyone's pay is higher than yours, or like the people around you seemingly know where to go/ have a more or less concrete plan for their lives.

Sometimes, in all my human-ess and all of the "unchristian" part of me, I ask God, was it a mistake that I want to do His will? and that I am ok following His plan, even if it means bringing pain into my life?

like why can't life be simple like everyone else? Pain is a difficult pill to swallow. Humility is a tough lesson to learn. Like Peter, I point at other people and ask God, why can't my life be more smooth sailing? or at least like what about the rest? why are they so chill? Are You playing favourites?

Peter turned and saw that the disciple whom Jesus loved was following them. (This was the one who had leaned back against Jesus at the supper and had said, “Lord, who is going to betray you?”) When Peter saw him, he asked, “Lord, what about him?”Jesus answered, “If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me.” Because of this, the rumour spread among the believers that this disciple would not die. But Jesus did not say that he would not die; he only said, “If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you?” John 21: 20-23

I need to come to the point that I should stop comparing. God knows how much we can bear/ how much He can push before our breaking point.

I need to trust God again. Not look at other people's lives and compare.


True love loves.

Then why don't I feel it? Why does it create more questions than answers?

Perhaps i was just smouldering all my questions with textbook answers when I don't want to face those questions squarely.

And then it overwhelms like a flood when being squared off.

Forcibly shutting down those thoughts- I don't know how long I can last.

Add onns//

They said you can't feel love if you don't even love yourself.

Perhaps.

The soul remembers all the hurts till the point when you cannot love yourself. You see all the crap of your life, and then, is there any point in believing in love?

"Greater love hath no man than this, that a man gave his life for a friend". John 15:13

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son Jesus, that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life." John 3:16

Sure, no doubt that God demonstrated His love for us, but then the age old question of "if God loves us so much, as stated in the Bible, then why can't God do sth about all that is being afflicted?"

Sure, "all things work together for the Good who loves Him", and "You meant it for evil, but God turned it onto good" , may sound comforting but to the afflicted, it sounds like 风凉话, like a plaster to an unseen wound.

Internalise, and believe in it. Read it, and regurgitate when all these things come back to haunt. At most, fake it till you believe it.

Nahs, that won't work.

Talk to somebody. Come on, they aren't your dustbins. At the end of the day, they are still human and with issues of their own. And you cannot be dependent on them. You will die if they, for any reason, fade out of your life. And besides, are you able to trust and account to them when real things/ crisis happen? 

Nope. Your preference is just lie low and be your own island and let the thoughts tirade until they die down.

Well, guess some things gotta change. Like example, asserting my authority as a child of God, despite what I feel about it (or not feel about it.)

Like I may not necessary feel like I'm a child of God when I first said the sinners' prayer or not doing the things that I should be doing (vice versa). But the truth still stands, no matter what i feel about it.

Wish it was that simple. See, my brain knows exactly what to do (as someone once said), but the mind, oh the mind, have other plans. Like plans to stay in that state forever. Plans to rebel everything and just be in the state of doldrums.

Spirit over mind, Gillian. 

And then the cycle of unaddressed issues comes back into a full circle.

I hate this. It's not even my fault that all these things even happened in the first place.





Perhaps no post is a good sign.

Not sure who comes in here, but it sure isn't the most pleasant stuff to read here, so for this, I apologise. haha.

Been thinking about different things about life sanely, but i guess there isn't much i could right now also. and with that thought that perhaps I've just screwed my life upside down a few times with some of the major decisions I made in the last decade. (Not that I could change anything now.)

Like I think I'm still not getting the hang of adulting, so for that im pretty much glad that there isn't anyone hanging around me while im still trying to figure out this whole mess.

But what if, this whole thing was planned? For one, I'm a big believer that it is God who orchestrates our way and He is the one who planned our every minute detail of our lives, giving us the details of our lives as it comes. If so, as I always questioned, why can't God let me have more financially? Like God, at least a bank account that I could make the down payment and a salary that could pay off for a small hdb should I get married or when I hit 35, which is the minimum age to get a singles' flat.

Is that too hard to ask? Im sure God can easily bless me with that, given His infinite wisdom and power, or perhaps give me wisdom or rain money over me so that I can be the richest woman on planet earth or sth.

But no, Im not blessed with that kind of materialistic pleasures. Perhaps for my own good.

Sat down to a conversation recently where someone was sharing about a hike at Kent Ridge, and fell in love with the scenic views and was just raving about that condo which was built atop, and basically, most of that night's conversation was just on property: location and prices and where they would they want to purchase the next house, because they have the means to do so to support that kind of purchases.

The figures aren't small to start with, and with my meagre pay, it's simply astronomical and one that I can only dream in my wildest dreams of owning one on this side of eternity. Some people might say, why are they showing off? then again, these people have the earning capacities (or their parents are rich enough to finance some of it, if not all) and as for me, yes, I do feel left out in that conversation, but at least I don't have to feel pressurised with what I simply cannot afford. Like it is way out of my league and simply put, there is nothing that I can do to bridge that wide economic gap between myself and the participants of that conversation, unless I have a super rich spouse or I had a great windfall (which obviously I don't have either one).

On hindsight, or rather, knowing myself full well that if I had the means and the financial capacity (or at least somewhere in that range) to do so, I will be definitely be thinking hard on trying to acquire properties in said areas, and not be appreciative of what God has done for me in my life.

Been there done that, cos I bought a Pandora bracelet last Dec with the money that I was quite determined to save for my future, but because le fam bought so much cos of the ongoing sales at the Pandora shop that I caved in to the self- perceived thoughts that I must also own a pandora bracelet, which I was never really interested in before that, and was so guilt laden with that purchase after about an hour after I made that purchase. Well, I still need to live with that consequences of that self- perceived thought from somewhere within me. Haiz.

Gillian must still be grateful even though I'm pretty much living pay check to pay check and dependent on my parents for the household bills and food expenses so that Im not so cash strapped,  and Im surrounded by people who are financially so much better off than me.

So the thing is that I need more self control and just suck it in when the desires come. Or ask God for opportunities in which my bosses will decide to give me a better pay raise. Or a better job opportunity (though I am seriously loving where I am now). Or a part time job so that I don't have time to shop,  earn some cash, and and to make my mind tired so that I want to sleep when it is bed time. (Last option sounds the most enticing and workable in my head, but I'm not sure if that is what God wants for me.)

Sometimes, things just happened for the weirdest reason too. When I am weak, He is best seen working in my life.

2 For 12:9-10 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

It's tough battling with a mental condition, cos I never know for sure which is the real me, my real thoughts, my real desires. Everything seems to be the real "Gillian", except some outrageous thoughts as shared in the previous posts and more. But even so, been seeing some progress of some people around me taking interest in the Infinite God who has seen me through all these years.

Perhaps, like what the saints have all seemed to unanimously agreed, that God is able to turn evil for His good, turning our prideful hearts to humility, so that our hearts can hear others who are looking for answers as well.


needs to learn to ground myself.

that it is ok to step away to re-orientate myself, to take a breather when I just going on auto-pilot mode. like "being weird" is going to be the new norm (not that I wasn't weird in the first place), and it's for my own good.

it's better to look awkward, be awkward than to be scared of being paiseh, or fomo, in that sense. like being able to put a stop to my emotions, or to break that destructive thought pattern that is not going to benefit my mental wellbeing or my association to the person/ thing/event.

it's ok, G. You can do this. I can't stop myself from switching, but I can minimise the destruction going on in my head.